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He wont have any more sex with me because he is a Christian!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Forbidden love, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 February 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 4 February 2017)
A female Viet Nam age 30-35, *uckycloud writes:

Hi there,

I'm a normal girl, 26, and I'm in a relationship with a transguy, 29 (not yet done any surgery to transform) who happened to be a Christian since he was born (with girl name of course).

I'm not religious at all.

We've already been together for more than 1 year.

This has been the longest relationship I've ever been with. We love each other very much. And he's been treating me better than all the guys before.

We fight a lot and he is always the one to set peace first. We talk through things afterwards. We discuss about everything in life or in keeping this relationship last.

Now I got stuck at this thing: SEX.

We've been having it since early days of this relationship. Although he said he doesn't have as much desire as I do, and sometimes when I didn't feel right, we discussed through it all, we were fine until recently.

I mentioned it once but he avoided me (like sometimes before when he said he's tired ...)

Then, he said he didn't know this rule/law in Christianity before: not having sex before marriage. Therefore, now he's already known it, he doesn't want to violate this rule again; so that means he can never "satisfy" me again.

I was crying so hard that day, and I thought I would be fine.

However, these days it comes back again when I want sex and have to do it myself, I just don't like that at all. Right then, he texted me he missed me (as he usually does). I replied to him I missed him to, but I am feeling uncomfortable at that sex thing. He tried to calm me down over the messages, (again) promised to love me till the end, to always take care of me.

He even said that he can make it up for me tomorrow when we see each other. He even said that we should only do it twice a month.

But I just don't feel right at all.

I wanted to respect his religion. If he goes against the rule, he absolutely won't feel happy, and I won't feel happy, too. I even feel like he's hesitate and he just doesn't feel anything towards me. Do you get me? The feeling of not being wanted?

I cried so much today and I don't know where to turn to. Not any LGBT community to actually talk through about sex, and this is also about the religion that I also don't know where to get consultation.

As if it wasn't enough, there is one more "rule" in Christianity I guess: not accept LGBT? or say: anybody is born by Christ and HE is never wrong so people are exactly the way they were born. No exception. That means if you were born a girl then you should never feel wrong about that, which means my bf who thinks he's a guy, is never accepted by Christ.

Then, it leads to another thing: MARRIAGE of LGBT is also never accepted by Christ, which means we can never get married (even when the law could change, the rule in Christianity never does).

And that finally means: we could not have sex before marriage, also the marriage could never happen = no sex till I die.

We fought again today, and we came down to saying goodbye although none of us wants to. I don't think sex should be a reason to break-up since we still love each other very much, but in longterm I'm so worried I would be mentally sick and my mood swing could harm this relationship.

*If I truly love him, why can't I get over this sex thing? But if he truly loves me, why can't he set aside this damn rule of his religion and just enjoys the sex with me?

*Why do I have to bear this? I didn't cause harm to anyone though ..

Okay, so I have 2 questions:

- could you live with your partner with no sex till the end of your lives?

- how could I ever get over this sex thing rule in Christianity?

Please please somebody out there had some experience please!!!

View related questions: christian, text

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2017):

Hi there. Try not to stress out on this.....harder said right.. I know where you are. I was at a similar place with my ex gf. I am female. She was/is Christian. I became Christian. You're relationship will end. Right now your partner is trying to discover who/what whoms she is. You guys are at an impasse. Truthfully it can no longer work. Love will be lost if your partner has sex with you. You will be resented bc sex is not desired by your partner. Then the breakup will be bitter. Breakup now, amicably because theres no getting past this impasse without one of you compromising what you would not.

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A male reader, Been there Now over it United States +, writes (3 February 2017):

Anyone who is 29 and a serious Christian since birth knows his or her religious laws regarding sex. It sounds as though he sexually satisfied you early in the relationship just to placate you, and when he felt the relationship was solid he decided you would stay in the relationship without sex. So he stopped.

To answer your two questions: 1) Anyone with a normal libido cannot live without sex for the rest of their lives and still be happy...NO WAY! It is difficult to go without sex for a month or even a week! A life time? 2) It's he who must get over Christian sex rules (not you), and it sounds like he is just using that as an excuse to avoid sex.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (2 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntI have to agree that he is using this as an excuse not to have sex with you. At the end off the day he would have already knowing that rule. My guess is that he is uncomfortable in the wrong body and that sex makes him uncomfortable, he probably thought that it would make him look selfish if he told you the truth. If he is transgender that is already going against his religion, so is having sex every two weeks. You need to talk to him. This needs to be solved.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (2 February 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntAlso, you shouldn't be fighting a lot - that doesn't happen in healthy relationships.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (2 February 2017):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntNot all, but most transgender people experience dysphoria (extreme self-loathing) and that can put them off sex completely. Some force themselves or feel okay with it sometimes, but others just can't do it any more. It sounds like your boyfriend is struggling with that and trying to make excuses to avoid telling you the truth. Being trans isn't easy, so he's probably finding it hard to come to terms with.

Love isn't enough - you need to be compatible in other ways too, like sexual needs. His libido may be much lower than yours and/or he may be experiencing dysphoria, which doesn't often go away before they get therapy and medically transition as far as they want to (not all transgender people want to transition medically and that's okay too).

I think you need to sit down and ask him if he doesn't want sex because he doesn't have a very high libido or if he's unhappy with himself because he's trans. If he still says the religion thing, you need to break up because you won't be happy without intimacy and he's not at a stage in his life where he can give it to you.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (2 February 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntSweetheart, he is using the Christianity "rule" as an excuse not to have sex with you. There is no way he was brought up a Christian and didn't know about the "no sex outside of marriage" rule before he started having sex with you, then suddenly found out about it. That is just bulls**t. I think the real reason is much more likely to lie in his mixed up feelings about his sexuality.

And I have NEVER seen anything in the bible against trans-genders. In the days when the bible was written, nobody had even heard of this condition. That is another excuse.

This guy, lovely as he may be, is very mixed up and using his religion as an excuse for a lot of things. What you need to decide is how long you are going to put up with being manipulated by him in the name of religion.

You are young and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Do you want children? Do you want a sex life? Or do you want to spend the next 20, 30, 40 plus years frustrated and being told you cannot have something because Christianity does not allow it?

This guy may be lovely, and he may treat you well, but you are ALREADY unhappy. Do you want to stay with him and stay unhappy, or do you want to search for the happiness you deserve? I think you know the answer. It will just take you a little time to realize that this guy is probably not for you.

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