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He won't give me oral, but I give it to him, am I being unreasonable in wanting it?

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Question - (13 November 2007) 44 Answers - (Newest, 11 March 2013)
A female United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

Hi everyone. Iam experiencing sexual troubles with my boyfriend. Iam 21, hes 22 and we have been going out for almost a year. We started having sex pretty recently and its pretty decent, except for one thing. I love recieving oral sex more than anything and he will not do it to me. His reason is that he does not like to do it. I would never make him but I have asked him and every time he absolutely refuses. Things is, is he always getting me to give him oral. I hate giving oral sex too but i do it to him because it gives him pleasure. No matter how many times i do it, he will not reciprocate. I am kind of upset that he doesnt care much about pleasing me. Am I being petty or reasonable? Is he being selfish or am I overreacting? What can I do about this? Please help me.

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A female reader, LA1976 United States +, writes (11 March 2013):

I love pleasing my men. I have been with this man for 2 years and he wont make sure i am "taken care of" sexually or financially. What the heck, I am about to explode! I let him have it every damn morning and he will NOT make sure I am satisfied. I have not had an orgasm in over 3 or 4 months and refuse to "have" to give myself one (its just not the same). I know i am clean and taste good and am pretty darn sexy, plus I totally take care of him, his finances, his farm, animals, keep him fed (and am an awsome cook), FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I go above and beyond and receive NOTHING in return, except a roof over my head! THAT IS IT! I love the selfish prick but now what?!?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (19 March 2012):

So_Very_Confused agony auntSex is NOT tit for tat.

YOU don't GIVE oral to GET oral.

YOU give oral because you WANT to give oral

YOU receive oral because you want to receive it.

IF you are with a partner who does not like to give oral then you have two options... OPTION one is to accept that you are with a person that will not/can not give oral

My fiance has said over and over if I did not give him blow jobs it would be a deal breaker for him... and I understand that...

bottom line... you don't want to give him blow jobs... don't give them. if he doesn't like it, he can find a woman like me who likes to give them.

OPTION TWO is to leave that person.

I know folks think I'm crazy but I give my fiance blow jobs as often as he will allow it because I LIKE TO GIVE blow jobs.

HE does not give oral to me. HE TOLD ME THIS before we even started our relationship so I Knew going in that it was not an option for me. HE knows i miss it and he feels bad that he can't pleasure me or please me but it's a limitation of our relationship... I get many many many other things from him.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2012):

K lady's and gents, listen up.. Iv been with my guy for 3 years, sex life has always been average. He has went down on me a few times our whole relationship, and most of those times were in 69 i position. I LOVE giving him oral , love pleasuring my man , and i do it bcuz i want to make him happy and bcuz I love him him to death. Why doesnt he feel the same way ? Its hard for me to understand . I have talked to him about how much this frustrates me but he just says he'll try do it more and shrugs it Gcgggggoff. like my needs don't matter:( I just want him to give me the same amount of attention in bed that I give him. I'm a really sexual person and it doesn't m as important to him

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012):

Ok, I am married to my husband for 6 months and been with him for 6 yrs all together. 1st we met, i made him wait for 8 months till we had to sex and i gave my vrginity to him, and he was really wanted to have sex till he did it once and then after 1 yr he had sex wit me again but i found out that hes not a person like to lick u out and i have to give him bjs. Well he can be selfish but i punish him doin this..... U wont give me it, then u wont have it and i give him blue balls LOL so it punishes him. so we do it every 6 months for the 69 but he is a pain in the ass. I love him dearly but he has to stop of wat he wants and start thinking of wat other people wants. i sometimes do it only to him but we do less the 69. But dont worry and hey im even married to him and never had sex after our wedding on our honeymoon so i am so used to it LMAO

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A male reader, IssacStevens United Kingdom +, writes (20 July 2011):

Hi, I dont know why your bf is being such a dick? I mean, i would gladly go down on my girlfriend and give her oral. most of the guys mentioned in the thread seem to not like the idea? not sure why, but perhaps hes not too...enthusiastic, about the stereotyped "Taste" ? has he ever given you oral before? ever? if not, maybe you just have to pin him down and make him lol, or do the oh so classic 69 style.

Whatever reason he wont, just keep persisting, talk dirty to him? use words such as pussy, cunt, etc etc. Most guys (such as myself) like dirty talk and become alot more willing when we're talked dirty too?

Just thought id share some advice :-)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011):

hey, i'm sorry to hear about your troubles and no, i dont think you're being unreasonable or overreacting. i've been having the same issues with my boyfriend... we've been going out for 9 months now and just recently started having sex. i gave him my virginity and he gave me his, but before i was really comfortable having sex for the first time, we kept it really basic... but that also had to do with the fact that we dont get to spend alot of time together. anyway, we did 69 and he fingered a few times until i was ready and then we did it. and now all he wants is the sex! i go down on him without asking anything in return, but now it's starting to tick me off that he wont voluntarily go down on me!! and i dont wanna ask him cuz i dont wanna seem like i'm pestering, but he lets me go down on him and then wen i let go he just rolls on top of me and starts fucking me!!! i wish i knew wat to do...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2011):

I had a boyfriend for 2 years and we were really close and we had lots of oral sex and it was really pleasurable but we split up and I have a new boyfriend, sex is ok but I don't orgasm from it and the problem is not him its me! He really wants to give me oral sex but I'm too embarrassed and although I want it I'm just too scared? I don't know why because I really like him and we have been together for 8 months now but he really wants to but I have to stop him! Help me? How do I overcome the embarassment?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2011):

Your man is being selfish!!! 100%

It seem like ALOT of women in here are missing out on amazing sex and are underestimating themself.

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and a couple of month. At the begining in our relationship I was the only one givng oral. I was frustrated and unhappy, so I told him the problem. He said that he didn't know if he should give me oral, because I havn't said anything to him. After talking to him, we are having the best sex ever!

He always goes down on (and the other way around). I can see that he enjoys giving me oral, and I also love giving him. We always take a shower together and have a laugh before. I just love him for it.

I think you have to have a serious talk with your man, because good sex is very important in a relationship. It's not fair that your the only one who has to give.

A relationship has to be equal

Good luck to all you ladies out there! don't settle for less.

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A female reader, native92 United States +, writes (14 May 2011):

native92 agony auntGirl he is being SELFISH!!!!!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2011):

If he won't do it for you, then you shouldn't do it for him, unless doing it without reciprocation doesn't make you feel bad. In my case, when I found out my partner would not reciprocate, I refused to give him oral any more. I only did it because it made him feel good, not because it got me off, so when he refused to do the same, I drew the line. That was almost 5 years ago, and granted, our relationship is probably ending soon, but then again, the thought of being with someone "forever" who doesn't want to pleasure me seems a little masochistic lol. I'm hoping to find a partner who is more into give an take the next time around.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2011):

okay i have the same problem, i have been with my guy for 3 years now. I am 20 and he is 24. I have only had 2 sexual relationships and the first loved oral i never had to even ask he just did it, and not bragging but i'am what you would consider a very attractive girl and i feel as though he has taken away from me as a woman, god made my body and he made it perfect as did he everyone. It makes me feel bad about myself that he will not do this like i am gross or some thing and makes me feel less sexy that my man doesn't want to take every inch of me like i do him. i love every thing about sex i would try anything at least 1 with just a few exceptions i love him with all my heart and i will spend the rest of my life with him, he's the air i breathe but this is a void for me i have always felt this hole in our relationship but it is not enough to leave him for at all. i just wish he wanted to do it not that he would just do it because i wanted him too. i don't find anything about him gross i think everything about him is beautiful and it makes me wonder if he thinks the same of me really. if there is anyone who can comfort me about this please feel free.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2011):

I guess I've been lucky, my last two boyfriends gave me oral sex frequently and I was very satisfied sexually in those relationships. My newest partner gave me oral in the beginning but now has given me oral only once in the last four months. It's not meant to be :/

My only suggestion to the women in the column is, don't waste your time on a guy that refuses to reciprocate at least. There are plenty of men out there that love to give oral and pleasure a woman. That kind of behavior is selfish and inconsiderate-- don't tolerate it. You get what you settle for.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2011):

tell him your gonna get it from someone else, if he doesn't man up! (it worked lol reverse phsychology never fails)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011):

I have the same problem. We've been together for a year and a half and I'm sooooo in love with him. And I show it! I worked so hard learning to give a blowjob! I remember my mouth bleeding the first time because I was so bad at it and so determined not to stop until he came. I looked up all those stupid tips online and everything, too. Just because I wanted to please him! He's never thought to do that for me and when I asked he said that it would be gross. He's only given me an orgasm once in our entire relationship.

And I get it. We're young. He doesn't know what he's doing. But hello! There isn't a rotten sandwich down there or a toad or something!

What? Does he think I enjoy the taste of cum?

Whatever. I'm just glad I came on here and found out that so many other

people have the same problem.

My plan? If I don't get oral, neither does he.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010):

The first guy I did it with was awful - he was very sweet at first but then got violent. I hated it whenever we had intercourse and he always pushed at giving me oral. I hate him for what he's done. But I'm with a different guy now, who's really nice, always puts me first and treats me with respect. Now we're getting intimate, and I made it clear that I had a very bad experience first time. He said he wouldn't push anything and only when I'm comfortable would he give me oral. The other night I felt really comfortable and told him, but as soon as he started he stopped. I asked what was wrong and he said he didn't like it.

I just thought after everything, and after his persistance in trying to make me comfortable, that he should have just left it... I don't really know what to do. I just feel totally rejected.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010):

Ughh!! I have the same problem.. He says he doesn't like the "taste." So what? Man up. Ughh I never gave oral before him, and I didn't even want to at first. In the beginning I didn't like it, I just did it for him. So why can't he for me?! I hate it, then he gets mad when I tell him Im not giving until I'm recieving. We've been together for 4 1/2 years. I'm sick of his excuses- Frustrated. If you love him, you'll deal with it, but it's annoying and very frustrating.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2010):

My guy gave me oral sex all the time at first, but now he will not. He says I have to ask, and give him a couple days notice. I wash and keep very clean. He gets oral from me all the time, an does not have to ask. The last two times I've asked he has not responded. It's been almost 2 months since I've gotten it. I'm not sure where this relationship will go long term, I love to receive oral sex, it's almost the only way I can have an orgasm.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2010):

I've been dating this guy for almost 3 years. I remember when he would actually try to give me an orgasm. just about 5 months ago he stopped trying. Just today I asked him if he could give me an orgasm. No I didn't even ask him to give me oral sex, I was just thinking fingering. He told me, "No, your vibrator will do that." I was crushed . I hate lazy men. They all make me want to be a lesbian.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010):

You are not being petty or unreasonable. He is selfish and disappointing. While, no, you probably don't want him to do anything under protest, you want him to want to please you and he obviously does not want to do that. I have a similar issue right now, one which I have never encountered before. He also will not give me oral, although I give him whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. I do think he is selfish but not in a bad way, I think he is generally unaware and a bit immature. It makes me sad because it certainly feels like rejection, sort of like he's not accepting of the whole package.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2010):

I have the same problem too with my boyfriend.

At the beginning of the relationship,he did it because I wasn't ready for sex. And now from 3 to 4 times a year turning to once maybe 6 months.

I never thought it would be a problem, but it is.

Especially when other problems in the relationship shows up, you really just can't stand it anymore.

Usually I have a high sex drive, but now I can't believe my sex drive is decreasing. Just don't want to be touched now. I don't know how long i can stay in this relationship.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010):

My boyfriend doesn't like giving oral sex to me either. When I asked him why he started laughing saying that we smell like fish. He say's a lot of guys don't like it. I have never encounter a guy who doesn't like it and I can't even remember how many men I've been with. Im allways giving him head for like 30-hour and he wont even touch me sometimes. It got so bad that I cheeted on him with my ex-boyfriend and it was the best sex ever, oral and all. I feel selfish for doing this but I'm going to leave him when the time is right. I can't be with a man that doesn't appreciate or admire a womans body.

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A female reader, sprogg United Kingdom +, writes (26 August 2010):

My boyfriend doesn't like giving oral, infact in the 4 months we've been together I've recieved once.

We're both first time parnters, and the idea is still really weird for him. He has considered it more recently, but I've told him not to do anything he's not happy with. I'll give him oral, but thats because I enjoy it.

Some of my friends think I'm mad putting up with it, but for me our relationship is more than that. I'd go without than force him to do something he doesn't want to do. Plus he is VERY good with his hands.

You need to decide if you love him more than oral, if you do, then you need to accept you may not get oral, but if oral is more important, you shouldn't be together imo, someone else may make you more happy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2010):

I have the same problem with my husband. We have been married 7 years, I have been giving him oral everytime he asked, but I never got anything in return, never, I can't even orgasm just throught regular sex. Just recently I put a stop to it, I told him that he needs to please me also, otherwise he is not getting anything anymore. And you know whats worse, everytime I ask him to do something for me he want oral sex in return and if I refuse he gets mad at me and stays mad at me the whole night and the next day. I think some guys are just that way, selfish and rude.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2009):

I am in the same situation as you, i am in a long distance relationship and i love giving oral to my boyfriend every single time we make love, but it makes me feel so disappointed that i dont get it back as much as i give.We dont see each other a lot and i expect a good sex everytime we do it. He does oral to me but but seldom and i feel bad about it, he said he doesnt like the smell. I am asian and he is European and i have problem on having orgasm from vaginal penetration. Sometimes we end up discussing in the middle of our sex. He would do it to me once in a while but i can see he doesnt like what he is doing. I have been divorce and i think good sex is important in marriage, but the dilemma is that I can feel he is the one for me. He is a good man on the other hand and we are compatible in many other things. We are now engaged but i am doubtful if this new relationship would end up again because of that thing... Help!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009):

I am 31 yrs old, and in my first relationship ever. I come from a very conservative asian family where sex was never talked about, dating was taboo. I discovered the pleasures of sex only 4 months ago when I started dating him.

He gave me oral the first few times because penetration was nearly impossible and I was having a hard time getting him in.

Eventually we are able to have vaginal sex and he stopped giving me oral. I never orgasm with penetration but do like oral sex. But he never does give me oral any more. I am too embarrassed to ask.. I can not get myself to tell him I want him going down on me. I find it very frustrating that I learnt to give him a Blow Job though I hated it.Now I have begun to enjoy it even though it is tiring. I dont see him making an effort in bed any more. He does not even ask what I like in bed (Not sure if he is reading my physical responses to what he does, but it does not seem like it)

I also like it when he plays with my breasts , but he has stopped doing any of that now a days. I find it agonizing that he leaves me feeling dissatisfied.

At the same time I cannot imagine leaving him for this reason. He is 13 years older to me. I already know I have a short sex life ahead of me in this marriage.I am willing to live with that. But now it seems like even this will not be all that great... Otherwise he would make a great husband and father. I will not leave him for a discontented sex life. Neither can I stomach this frustration any more.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2009):

It seems to me there are a lot of ladies getting sold short or getting a raw deal?

Girls why keep giving guys oral if your not getting any back?!!

Both parties should be getting satisfaction? There are two people in any relationship!!!! Not one......

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A male reader, tommivercetti United Kingdom +, writes (17 December 2009):

I can only say speaking from my personal experience and my own opinion, he is being selfish? If you are prepared to give oral then it is only fair to return the favour?! If only now and again regardless of him not liking it! He should make the effort.

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A male reader, Frank_Jr United States +, writes (14 October 2008):

Im in the opposite boat - I enjoy giving oral, actually if I cant get it up I give her oral and then Im rock hard by the time she climaxes.

I give her oral all the way every single time we make love, but I only get a BJ maybe 3-4 times a year. I dont go around begging her for it though.

I married my wife for other reasons, its not that big of a deal. It would be hot if my wife was all into it, but whatever.

Personally I think most of this boils down to the fact that women are always picking the wrong guys to date/marry. When a guy feels lucky to be with his girl, pleasing her is a very pleasurable experience. When he isnt 100% into her, he can be selfish sexually and not really care about it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2008):

I've been with my boyfriend for a little more than two years, I have to admitt I love him more than life itself he's everything I could wish for but with sex, I'm not sure if its that he's selfish... but when we do; when he's over, its over. I perform oral on him more than we have sex, but never have I gotten off, which is probably because it doesnt last more than fifteen minutes but nor has he given me oral more than twice which lasted... seconds.

But what really bothers me is when I talk about it with him he gets defensive and it ends up in a fight. He blames me for not "helping him". I dont know how to help him with oral, I've tried the different lotions, everything but still nothing.

I couldn't live without this man but when it comes down to that... I end up in pain.

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A female reader, Nobody21 United States +, writes (24 September 2008):

My husband doesn't like giving it to me either, and like most men, wants oral done to them ALWAYS as if sex isn't sex without it. I do it when I want, and tell him no when I don't. If he complains i tell him "u never do it to me!"

so yeah. But there are plenty other ways to get pleasure from the man you love. Breaking up over one sex position, is the worst advice given.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008):

hi everyone,

i have been married for 10mths now but due to education i have stayed with my husband on and off. but whenever we meet i try to do things for him which wil make him happy.

he wants oral from me which i give to him but when it ws his turn he said that he didnt like the smell . this always creates problem between us . ( my boyfriend used to love giving me oral and never wanted one from me)

same thing for my orgasms. i can count on my fingers hw many times i have recieved orgasm and being a typical indian male my husband says its not necessary that females shd get orgasm at every sexual act

plz help me.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2008):

I've been married for 20 years...my husband does not "like" giving, but loves receiving. In the early years I thought he might come around, but to no avail. It's starting to feel a little like I've been handed a "life sentence" Since I won't divorce, I will most likely never receive oral sex again. So when you're thinking about the consequences of staying in this relationship and possibly marrying him...think hard...the reality is that he will probably NEVER do this.

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A female reader, gothicgirl2033 United States +, writes (18 August 2008):

I know exactly what your going through. I have been with my boyfriend almost a year now, and I give him oral every single day and I only got oral from him on my 20th birthday which was March of this year. I dont really like giving oral either, but I do it just to please him. Sometimes I ask myself, am I in this relationship just to please him and not to get pleasure back? Is he just so selfish that he just wants all the pleasure and not to give it to the one he says he loves? well that your going through is exactly what I am going through. I also dont know how to deal or react to this situation. Some say if you love the guy so much and can't see yourself with anyone else, well just deal with it and eccept the fact that he doesnt like it. thats what I am trying to do now because I dont want to lose a great guy. The one that I have now is really hard to find these days...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2008):

I know exactly how you feel except I love giving my boyfriend oral. He has gave me oral 3 times at the very beginning and just stopped. He says he doesn't like giving anyone oral and never has. But there is nothing you can do to make him give you oral. Maybe one day he'll surprise you or change his mind. But if you love him thats a stupid reason to leave him.

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A male reader, intp United States +, writes (22 November 2007):

Simply decide which you cherish more: Your relationship or oral. If he wins out then you forfeit the oral. If oral wins out then dump him. You can't change him. But you can change who you are with. If your love for him is greater than your need for oral, then you must be willing to give him up. This is a simple case of not being able to have both. It is either/or. But for goodness sake... make this decision BEFORE you get married!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007):

Hi Friend,

Please talk to your boy. What you told us, tell him. An open talk can make a big change than you expect. You can make him doing it for you. Dont spilt your relation only because of this.

loving friend.

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A male reader, SamuraiRick United States +, writes (16 November 2007):

SamuraiRick agony auntYou and your boy friend are in what some circles is known as incompatible. If you love oral sex so much why are you still with him? If you decide to marry him and you still have these feeling about needing oral it will inevitably lead to you getting it someplace else, and that would lead to divorce. So instead of going through all that trouble you need to nip this in the bud right now.

One thing you need to know…if he doesn’t like it, there’s no way you are EVER going to make him give it to you. It’s a matter of taste and you just can’t change that, even with whip cream.

I personally am choosy about the women I perform oral to. Some women are sweet like strawberries and some are sour like lemons. Not all women taste the same. (My best relationships have been with the strawberry girls) This is not to imply that you have a bad tasting taco, you are just not to his taste. SO yeah oral is a huge thing and if its not satisfied, is grounds for splitting up.

And that’s exactly what I’m saying you should do. Get out girl. Get out now. Run, Run, Run! There are any number of guys out there that love doing oral. Don’t settle for less.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007):

The male anon near the bottom said that he doesn't know many men who don't like it. My wife says that her experience was the opposite when she was dating after her divorce from her 1st husband 30 years ago. Of her 10 partners, she only remembers a few that ever did it and only 1 or 2 that liked it. I remember that I didn't really like it until I started doing it to her and the other women that I dated after my divorce in my mid 30s. Since then I do it almost every time we have sex and sometimes do it for her without going any farther. I started liking it after I realized how great of a feeling it was for me when the woman had a really great orgasm. One of my other partners also seemed to think that I was unusual in liking it. If you could just get him to do it a few times, he might discover how much he likes it. Of course, my wife didn't really like giving oral sex until she was in her 30s either. Perhaps it's an acquired taste :)

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A male reader, eddie Canada +, writes (13 November 2007):

eddie agony auntThe boyfriend is not being selfish, he's being honest. If she's giving oral and hates it, she's being foolish. Or you could say at least she's trying. It's not a tit for tat game.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007):

Stop giving him head then if he won't pleasure you if I was you I wouldn't pleasure him and maybe he will learn and the next time you two have sex don't give a blow job and when he asked can you do it say no that you don't like doing it and maybe he would have a dum look on his face and if he say please say no again

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A female reader, sexi South Africa +, writes (13 November 2007):

sexi agony auntHi

You say that you dont like it either but you do it b/c you kno0w it pleasures him - Stop doing it. If he cant do it for you then why should you do it for him? I think that your bf should return the favour and if he cant do it then you should let him know what you are missing out on by not doing it for him. He only wants to be pleasured but doesnt want to give any pleasure. Your bf needs to know that a relationship is give and a take situation and if he isnt prepared to give then i dont think he should be taking either.

Regards,mail me if you wanna talk

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A female reader, TasteofIndia United States + , writes (13 November 2007):

TasteofIndia agony auntIf you don't like giving oral and yet you're doing it anyways to please him, you are being unselfish. That means that your boyfriend is being selfish, and I think it's only fair that you quit giving him blow jobs.

Tell him that it's simply not fair that you do something that you don't enjoy for HIM and he doesn't return the favor.

I'll bet after awhile he'll learn and change him ways.

Good luck, sweetness!

xxIndia

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007):

I don't know too many men who don't like going down on a woman. I absolutely love it!! And Iagree with the last poster who said stop giving him blowjobs. I personally love performing oral sex on my girlfriend, but I have always loved doing this for women.

If your BF doesn't like to do oral on you, try putting some edible flavored creams or lotions on your vagina to make it taste sweet. That would make performing oral sex on you more enjoyable for him. If that doesn't work, ask him what would make it more enjoyable for him to perform oral sex on you.

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A male reader, Collaroy Australia +, writes (13 November 2007):

Collaroy agony auntHi,

well you already know the answer to this don't you?

Stop giving him blowjobs. That's it. Don't fall for any of his shit about it either. As long as you continue to blow him then the relationship is all about servicing his needs not yours.

And yes, he is being a selfish.

Stick to your guns, and don't let him control the action in the bedroom!

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