A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My BF of a year and a half is away for a month. Visiting family in South America. I am not going because I have no $$. He knows this and still went for a month without me. I am hurt and jealous and annoyed. It comes after several rocky months of him avoiding further commitment and saying he feels pressure when I bring things up. What shoul I do? I am making sure I'm away at the beach every weekend and that he knows about it. But I still feel like now I need to take a vacation without him to even the score. Stupid , right? Please help
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): There's no "threat" to Americans, tourists get mugged it all the time.
So if all is well, what were you complaining about?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@WiseOwl - I'm actually European living in America and I've been where he is 3 times and there is no threat to Americans.
He called and messaged me last night. Says he really misses me and he shouldn't have gone for a month! :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): I have friends from Brazil who are married. They take turns going home to visit with their families. One parent remains home with their kids. It is a very expensive airfare. It is a long trip for their families to meet them at the airport; or they have to travel a long way to the family-home from the airport.
You are American, and you just may not be safe where he has to go. Aside from the fact that he's just not that into you.
One reason for my friends traveling alone, is they're families live in different parts of the country; and getting from one place to another is a long bus-ride. Another is that they are recognized by locals to be Americanized; and it just may not be safe even for them. They travel very light carrying only necessities. Muggings are very common against tourists; and those visiting home, who may have valuables or cell phones. Americans don't like traveling light.
The same is also true for a friend who is Colombian, and has an American/Puerto Rican girlfriend. He is concerned for her safety.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 June 2014):
 It's not even a matter of him going for a month..
what the issue for you OP is that he won't commit to you the way YOU want. YOU are not as important to him as he is to you.
It's a one sided relationship that you are trying to make be what you want. You love the man you want him to be, not the man he is. He does NOT want a commitment with you or to move in with you... his actions are saying that.
and on that note: GO USA! yes I'm betting he went home for World Cup.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt is not a matter of him going. It's for a month at a time when he told
Me HE doesn't have money and needs to save before we can
Move in together. Btw he was last there - for a month - just 4 months ago. He has no $$$ and it just felt like the future he promised isn't in the cars and this is the evidence. His actions
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reader, Staceily +, writes (26 June 2014):
 If you want to stay with him and you want a better chance for him to commit, you need to back off of him. Give him space. don't pressure him. Let him have a vacation. Be nice and fun to talk to. Be a girlfriend he wants to commit to, get it? I do understand the anger, I understand most of it is coming from his lack of commitment and this vacation feels like another slap in the face. So either you make a conscious decision to be a great girlfriend and turn things around ASAP, or it will end one way or another. If you feel he is not worth your effort in being a better/bigger person for any reason then that is your answer right there and you should end it yourself.
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reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (26 June 2014):
 Speaking of even up the score… Isn’t the FIFA Soccer being played in South America – Brazil?
At home the match is between Boyfriend vs. Girlfriend and the score is 1 – NIL
If you wish to play this game (to even the score) on an already rocky foundation, I’d be prepared for a few penalty points… if he’s avoiding further commitment it may be a sign that he needs to get away from the pressure.
If you play to even up the score won’t that just make him run off the field? Go and enjoy yourself, keep busy and relax a little in the summer sun and save up next time, if there is a next time to be had.
Take Care – CAA
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 June 2014):
OP, I had to go back and check your age you sound like one of those 18-21 yr old girls that posts.
THERE IS NO SCORE IN LOVE and relationships. Sometimes you row, sometimes he rows. It’s not about who did what and are we EVEN… there is no EVEN… it’s real adult life and sometimes one person needs/wants/gets something the other does not. As mature adults we accept this as part of life and we choose our partners accordingly.
I disagree with Mark totally that at 18 months it’s too soon to know if you are going to be a couple or not. I can tell you now that you won’t. He is just with you till the right one comes along. MEN who know what and who they want do not dilly-dally around and wait.. they don’t want to risk losing their woman so they make that commitment to her as soon as they are sure.
I have NEVER met a man who was not sure within 3 or 4 months of dating whether or not he was staying with the woman he was with. And age is not a factor in this.
Anyway, you are pressuring him to make a commitment he does not want to make. You letting him know you are out and about and at the beach every weekend doesn’t even matter to him. He’s probably very happy that you are enjoying your alone time.
If you want to take a vacation because you need a vacation then do it. IF you want to take a vacation to “even the score” that’s a lousy reason to take a vacation.
You say you are hurt and jealous and annoyed… are you hurt because he did not pay for you? Did he even invite you? What are you jealous?
I can’t help you till I know why you are hurt and jealous and annoyed.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (25 June 2014):
The best suggestion I can give is to start thinking of things from his point of view. Because you can't afford to go with him he shouldn't be able to visit his family? If you don't think that's okay then it's time to learn to be less selfish.
Enjoy your freedom while he's gone but don't get revenge as it's not necessary. You can make sure he sees you going to the beach because you want to tell him what you've been up to not because you're trying to hurt him.
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reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (25 June 2014):
 Op you have left yourself wide open for the comments that are coming in. Is it stupid? I'll try to be kinder...its childish. Why on earth do you feel you need to even the score? You are two adults supposedly from your age range. I'll be honest, you are sounding like a small spoiled brat who didn't get her own way! Do you not trust your boyfriend? Isn't he allowed to see his family? I understand that you will miss him, but you are seriously going to make him feel badly about going home? Thats not the actions of a loving caring girlfriend. Are you going to make his entire vacation a nightmare because you're going to be angry the whole time?? Please don't do that. He would be much happier if you would accept that he's going and wish him a good time. The way you sound he may not come back to you. Have you considered that? You should.
My guy goes home 2 times a year to Japan. One week in the spring, 2 weeks in the summer. His parents are in their 80's and he takes them to a summer home where they spend a week and 1/2 together every July or August. I'm not angry..I'm happy for him. He loves his family and he misses them. It would be nice sometime for me to go with him but it is very expensive and I have obligations and his parents home is very small. Staying in a hotel in Osaka or Tokyo for 2 weeks would be so expensive for the 2 of us. I don't begrudge him seeing his family and friends! I trust him. I know he has alot of business to attend to while there too. Someday I'd love to go, but it would be when it truly can be a vacation for just the 2 of us. Right now he feels he should spend time with his family. I understand that. I give him blessing. My father passed away unexpectedly 6 months ago and I'd give anything to be able to see him again so I'm certainly not going to give my guy static for spending time with his parents!
step back and rethink things ok? Don't make this all about you. you're not 5 years old. If you don't like this and don't trust him, then end things. If he isn't giving you what you want..get out. Its that simple.
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reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (25 June 2014):
 Yes, it's stupid. Right.
Remember that old saying "... and eye for an eye?" Over the long run, all that results is that many people won't have eyes to see.....
Good luck...
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 June 2014):
 I too agree with Mark and Cindy...
SERIOUSLY?
You NEED to even the score?
My husband is away visiting his father, I don't trust my nieces to feed/water our cats + the kids have things planned, so I stayed behind. I would DEARLY love to fly home and visit MY dad too, but for now that isn't in the finances. HIM driving 5 hours each way to see HIS dad is doable.
How about you start saving up for a trip to South America NEXT year? Instead of sitting and sulking...
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 June 2014):
 Oops and agree with my pal Cindy, who slipped in while I was responding.
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reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (25 June 2014):
Sure hope you clicked the wrong age bracket. But anyway I totally agree with the owl and Mark, you are acting immature, needy, and are obviously annoying your boyfriend. Sooner than later I think you will be going on a very, very, very long vacation without him.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 But he is visiting his family ! It's not his fault if his family lives in South America. If they lived in Columbus, Ohio, he'd go see them in Columbus, Ohio. But , they happen to live in South America, and , if, once in a Blue moon ( I don't think he is going there every weekend ,right ?) he wants to hang out with his family, you should be happy for him , and not even think of being so petty.
Unless this is just the fall out of your commitment issues, and what you are really mad about is that you can't convince him to commit, not that he is ahead of you of one vacation.
Which would be all another issue, and one that you have to basically solve by yourself, since you can't MAKE people commit when they are not ready :
- either by trusting that the love is there, it's only a matter of waiting and in his own time , he'll get there
- or by giving yourself an expiration date ( say,one year's time ? ) and if you don't see progress by then, you'll leave him because you can't waste years and oears waiting for him
- or, by dumping him here and now, because you want two different things ( You want committment right now, he wants .... ? ) , and this difference ceates strife and tension.
But whatever you do, please don't spoil his vacation by bitching about it or planning silly revenges !
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): You are being unreasonable and smothering your boyfriend.
It's not his fault you didn't have the money to go on the trip. He is going home to see his family. They happen to live in South America!!! Did you expect him to pay for your trip? Perhaps he would if he could afford it. Maybe he just needed some time away from you and your complaining.
Now you're being vindictive and punishing him for going home to see his family? Go ahead, give him some more good reasons to just dump you as a girlfriend. You've done a pretty good job at that already.
If you want to take a lone-vacation; you have a right to.
Not to get even; but to go do some thinking and growing-up!
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reader, Mark1978  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 Your being childish. As a couple in your 30s, you should have outgrown "evening the score" long ago. your not teenagers.
He is going away to see family he doesn't see very often and misses. Its not like its a lads week away in Ibiza! You cant afford to go so he went alone as he wishes to stay in touch with his family. He did the right thing IMO. If you feel the need to even the score and go away without him to prove a point, maybe you are not cut out for commitment or an adult relationship right now.
You say you have both had several rocky months due to you pushing for commitment, which his avoiding, but less than a year and a half together is not long enough to be sure of long term commitment. Long term commitment is something not to be taken lightly, and at your age you should have the experience to know that a year or so with someone is not that long. It seems a long time when your younger, but 36-40 eighteen months is nothing.
Mark
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