A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I were in the most loving, respectful and caring relationship for over 3 years. I found he was watching tranny porn and I confronted him on it and said that it didn't bother me (and it didn't - I used to manage an adult movie store) and he lied saying that he had never watched tranny porn.A lot of business I do is in another province 3 days/week. I had just gotten dismissed from my previous job and took up this gig 4 days per week to make ends meet while he studied full time in University. I called him one night and was so concerned about our well being and the lack of money we had that I was crying. During this time, he was on MSN, picking up a guy met met off the casual encounters section of Craigslist. I'm home 2 days later. I found out because I had to use his computer (his is the one with the printer attached to it) and saw his "most recently viewed documents" list and there were pictures of this guy he was chatting it up with.I confronted my boyfriend on this. He said he had failed a mid term that day and that I had upset him about something, had a beer and just wasn't thinking right, so he went online to find a guy.I've asked him over and over again if he's bi, gay or whatever, but just to be honest with me. My question is this:My heart is shattered and I haven't been able to function in 3 days. I leave on another business trip in less than a week - will the pain stop? I still live with him and he says he feels terrible about it - so much in fact he cried, I've never seen him cry and he's not the crying type.I just don't know what to do and am in seek of guidance. This really isn't the thing I can discuss with a friend.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, cuts +, writes (29 October 2009):
... No. I have the same fantasy. But in purely rational states, just being around slightly girly guys makes me uncomfortable. He could just be sexually attracted to change. And the obvious off shoot is simple, change in sex. Yummy? Ya, to some extent. I like anthropomorphism too, but I still rock my girlfriend's world and love her dearly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): My ex-boyfriend was doing the same thing. He told me that he has never actually met up with anyone that he talked to on craigs list, but to be quite honest i think he's bisexual. If a guy fantasizes about being with a man then there's a very strong possibility that he could be gay. I left him and I don't have any regrets.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): You're boyfriend is gay. I don't mean to upset you but if he weren't gay and was just doing it because he was upset he would have looked up a girl. I know this because my husband is a tg. Leave before it is too late. I married my husband thinking it would change and it didn't. I am miserable. Leave now!!!!! Save yourself!!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2007): Also, please bear in mind there is a chance (no matter how slim it might be) that he has acted on this. You should take steps to get yourselves checked for STIs and if you guys are going to stay sexually active you should use protection from here on. It's the nasty reality of the situation, but regardless of the outcome you don't want to make it more difficult with some more unwelcome factors.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (14 November 2007):
 Don't go for revenge sex. That isn't good for anyone. Keep your cool and think carefully what you will do.
Remember that this site is here to help people.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2007): DON'T GET REVENGE SEX YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S CHEATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
just calm the hell down. so your mans a little confused about his sexual feelings. trust me on this, all guys go through a period of bein confused if their bi straight or gay. going out and getting revenge sex will tear him apart! thats the last thing you should be doing!
give him time. he'll have to work out his feelings by himself. the best way to help him is to stay loyal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI leave tomorrow morning.
Not much has developed over the past few days - it was my birthday and I had a friend over for the weekend and yesterday was a holiday.
I am thinking I might go out and get revenge sex....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2007): My husband is a porn addict (especially BDSM stuff) and he sometimes fantasizes about "she-males" and transvestites. It is a more common fantasy than most people are willing to admit, I think, and I don't think it automatically means that someone is predominantly gay.
However, if your boyfriend is actually contacting people and meeting up with them, he is probably more keen to act on his desires. In any case, it is definitely cheating in my book, and if I were you I sit down and discuss it (calmly, with no alcohol or drugs). You need to sort out whether he truly wants to be faithful more so than his sexual orientation.
A lot of guys look at porn more frequently when they are under stress, but it's not acceptable for him to turn it around and try to make it your fault. He was probably upset because you caught him, and said the first excuse that came into his mind as a defense, but he needs to know that it's not acceptable.
In my humble opinion, of course! I hope it works out for you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (8 November 2007):
Maybe your boyfriend is a) a gay using you as cover, or b) a bisexual. He seems to find a gender change attractive. I don't think a straight man would look at tranny porn (I didn't even know it existed; I had to look the word up to know what you meant). I don't believe, either, that a straight man would find himself another man just because he had a beer and was angry at you (and apparently he didn't give a reason). A straight man would try to be with a woman, no matter how drunk he were.
I believe that the reason for your pain is that you're afraid of what your boyfriend will do when you're away again. Possibly he will find another guy. Maybe he has been doing this for some time, but you will never know IF he did it, or when it started, or whether it will continue.
Also, finding out that you've been living with someone who hasn't really showed who he is makes it worse.
If you choose to stay with him, you'll have to accept that perhaps he is gay or bisexual, and that he might continue to "find" other men. You have to accept that perhaps he will actually meet those guys (in case he hasn't already).
Your decision has to be whether you can accept this or not.
If you need more guidance, please come back.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Wildlife dude  +, writes (8 November 2007):
 Cheating is cheating regardless if he's scamming another woman, or worse yet a man. I think you're b/f is mixed up and doesn't really know his true orientation. Trust is also a major factor in any relationship and he has violated yours. I believe he may be bi-sexual and is experimenting behind your back. You'd be wise to end this relationship and allow him to find himself. I don't think he knows who he is right now, much less who he wants to be with. It may hurt, but give him his freedom, otherwise it'll hurt much more later.
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