A
female
age
41-50,
*ydestinyz37
writes:So I found out that my boyfriend of 9 months still received pictures from his ex. He knew that it bothers me everytime she send texts, call or send selfie pictures. However, I do understand that my bf has no control of what his ex is sending him. When he received selfie pics of his ex, he would delete it so I wont get upset. Not until tonight, I found out he was saving them and sent as an attachment to his personal email. I was so upset and broke up with him. He argued and did not want to end our relationship because of pic. He said they are friends, and the pics were nice. He said, there's no difference when friends on facebook post pics. I told him, it is absolutely odd because she was her ex. Am I so immature to act like this? Please help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): Stop and think. Think about why you feel uncomfortable about the pictures. Then go back and review the amount of activity flowing between your now "ex-boyfriend" and his ex. If she's still single, she's still seeking his attention; and he allows her to draw his attention away from you. So much so, that you got upset and sought advice about it.
You shouldn't have to compete for your boyfriend's attention. How much contact are you keeping with your exes? Do they send you pics, or message you all hours of the day? Do you think he'd like it if they did?
Like I mentioned in my previous response; it's fine if your boyfriend wants to keep his ex as a friend. Friends know their place. If she dominates his attention, constantly calls during your time together, and he leaves the room when they talk. That is disrespectful to you and it is not the way to treat your current girlfriend.
When you commit to someone new, you have to regulate (if not cease) your contact with your exes. Exes are not the same as platonic friends. They are more intimate.
She stepped-up the frequency of her contact; because she wanted to pull his attention to herself, and away from you.
The fact he was saving her pictures and not telling her how it bothered you is an indication he placed her feelings above yours. He can't have two girlfriends at the same time. He has to choose one.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 September 2017):
 Off course you are not being shallow their is more to this than just a picture, if he is saving them then he is still thinking about her, and if she is sending pictures like that asking him questions then she is still in to him and wants to keep reminding him off what he is missing. You totally did the right thing.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (23 September 2017):
 I am going to buck the trend here and risk getting lots of negatives for it (ha ha!). They are just pictures. He chose to be with YOU.
I have to ask how you found out he was sending the pictures on to his email? Sounds like you have been snooping. Are you usually this insecure and untrusting?
You are in your late 30s according to your profile so you should really be more secure in yourself by now. If you don't trust him generally, then breaking up was the right thing to do and, of course, he WAS being deceitful in saying one thing but doing another. However, I feel he was being deceitful because YOU were trying to tell him who he could be friends with. I don't feel anybody has a right to do that to someone.
I speak from experience as my long term partner is good friends with both his long term ex's. In fact, this week-end, we have one of his ex's dog staying with us. We were guests at his other ex's wedding. If one of them sent him selfies, I might roll my eyes but I certainly wouldn't kick off about it and I know he would know I am secure enough in our relationship for him to be open about it and show me what he had received. He chooses to be with ME but has friends of both sexes, as do I. I openly exchange emails and texts with male as well as female friends all the time and tell my partner about some of the messages. I have a very close relationship with my male boss who I sometimes go out drinking with (just the two of us). My partner has no problem with this because he knows it is out chance to catch up on non-work stuff and unwind together. In fact, he usually drops me off and picks me up afterwards. Sometimes the three of us go out together.
So, bottom line is, if these pictures made you feel so insecure, your relationship wasn't built on solid foundations in the first place. You were not blameless in snooping and he was not blameless is being deceitful. However, I can sort of understand WHY he was deceitful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): He has no control over what she does but he definitely has control over what he does.
He should have stopped all contact with her, knowing fully well she was trying to sink her claws into him again.
But instead of telling her to buzz off and then blocking contact with her, he openly encouraged her by texting back and forth and actually saving her pics to a folder? Really???
Tell him it's over.
He is the one who decided your relationship is over by his behaviour.
You did the right thing the first time. Don't let him sweet talk you into staying. Sweetie, he's just going to break your heart.
Walk away now.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2017): Don't second guess yourself, you did the right thing. He should of told her to stop knowing that this was upsetting to you.
I have men who I've remained on friendly terms with but never ever would I send them pics (that is so strange) especially knowing they were in a new relationship. And then to find out he was actually saving them. Find someone who is respectful of your feelings and makes you a priority.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): You are not acting immature in any way;he is while being sly and deceitful as well. If the pics mean nothing,why is he saving them as attachments on email? And if an ex sending selfies is just like FB,then why isn't he limiting himself to visiting her FB? In addition,there is nothing like he has no control over what he is sent to him: he very well does but choosing not to exert any control. The number can be blocked, not just on messaging apps but on text service, phone calls et al.
The point here is not even the pictures but his behavior. On the face of it, he deletes the pics while secretly sending them to his email. How is this action showing trustworthiness? You cannot trust this man.
My advice would be to move on and let them enjoy their pictorial.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (22 September 2017):
 OH I call BULLSHIT on his lame ass excuse.
STAY broken up. Get your stuff back from him (if you have stuff at his place and give him back any, he might have at yours).
Don't fall for this crap. The pictures are nice? SO WHAT?
It's NOT like "friends on Facebook" she is sending them to his PHONE for HIS EYES only. Otherwise, she would POST them on Facebook for all the World to see.
He isn't over his ex-GF and no they aren't just "friends".
I'd walk away now before you get WAY more invested in this. HE knows what he is doing is shady - that is why he USED to delete them but now keep them in a "secret squirrel folder"...
Come on, OP you know this is not OK - HE knows it's not really OK either. He is just trying his best to manipulate you into thinking you are overreacting. YOU are not.
He isn't going to stop this. He will just get better at hiding it.
And no, he can't stop his ex-GF from doing this but he COULD have told her hey, "friend" it's probably the best that you don't continue sending me selfies as my GF finds it disrespectful.
You two are in your 30's... you can't tell me he would be OK with YOU doing the same... Getting the "odd" look at my 6-pack shots or whatnot from an ex-GF...
Yeah, I'd let him go on his merry way. This kind of insensitive, selfish and immature behavior is just not OK. No matter how much he is trying to make it seem like this is what EVERYONE does... bullshit.
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A
female
reader, mydestinyz37 +, writes (22 September 2017):
mydestinyz37 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all for all your advise. I dumped him last night, but making me feel such a shallow of doing it for a pic.
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A
female
reader, mydestinyz37 +, writes (22 September 2017):
mydestinyz37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis argument was, they don't hate each other and realized that they can be friends but not lovers. I still think it is weird for her to send a picture to my bf saying " I bought this new dress, do you like it"?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): He shouldn't keep the pictures; and apparently hasn't notified his ex that your relationship is official.
Her communications should be limited, if not blocked altogether. He should delete pictures, not save them.
She's a woman too; and she wouldn't like some ex sending selfies and constantly texting or calling her boyfriend like they're still dating either. She's pissing on him to show territory; and he's encouraging it by saving everything she sends on file.
To me this sends the message that he isn't totally sure of, or fully-committed to, the certainty of our relationship.
You're number-one. It's up to him to establish that with all the ladies of his past; immediately upon establishing a commitment with you. Get all the past out of the way.
My advice and personal-rule is not to date people too chummy with their exes. I don't have time for drama, jealousy; or trying to figure-out what's still going on between them.
Exes belong in the past, silent, and not interfering in my current relationship. I shouldn't have to tell my current romantic-partner what to do about his "exes." They shouldn't be an issue.
For me friendship with exes is a deal-breaker. No ex is going to show me my place or position of importance; nor remind me that I'm taking their sloppy-seconds. I have wonderful friends (we've never had sex); and they respect my boyfriend, me, and our relationship. Without having to be told to do so. My responsibility to choose friends wisely.
Same goes from the other-side of our relationship. There are no wedges. His friends did try to imply I was only after his money. Jealous we grew close very quickly. I make my own money. Plenty of it! Without me having to defend myself, he put all the "bitchery" on stop! I would have dumped him without a word otherwise. We are over 40; and long past the foolishness of our 20's. His friends are now our friends; and mine are also his. All certified platonic-friends! With one exception he kicked to the curb; who couldn't control the bitchiness and snobbery.
Put boyfriend on notice. Make a choice! If the calls and pics continue, dump him. He's still emotionally-attached to her. You're wasting your time being jealous and competing with someone obviously sabotaging your relationship.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (22 September 2017):
 "My bf has no control of what his ex is sending him" soooo his phone can't block a number from contacting him? He has no absolutely no way of telling NOT to send her pictures to his phone? Interesting. I have male friends and I have female friends, when they send me pictures, they are pictures of all of us hanging out together or different snippets from their lives. There's something wrong here. He's hiding and saving these pictures for a reason so no, you are not being immature. Your gut is telling you that something is off. Would he like it if you were in constant contact with your ex? Saving his pictures? Accepting constant texts? Not likely. There's a lack of respect and consideration here that I do not like. I think you did the right thing. His actions tell me he's the type who thinks "If she doesn't know, this cannot hurt her." Find yourself a worthy man.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2017): Don't be fooled by him trying to dupe you into thinking this is ok. It totally isn't. What a deceitful action. Utterly untrustworthy, you did the right thing dumping his sorry ass. Don't look back- he is trying to minimize by saying it's not right to break up over a picture. You haven't done. You've dumped him because he has happily recieved and kept secret, lying to you, pictures he is still sent from his ex. Both of them are ripping it out of you with their actions. Now he can look at his pics as much as he wants, and she.can send them to her hearts content. Well done you for saying no way!! I'm not putting up with that I'm worth more! I'll lay money he's contacting her too. What a dick!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (22 September 2017):
No you are not acting immature at all. I would be devastated if my husband was receiving pictures from an ex and saving them on to his email, why does he feel the need to keep then, obviously he still thinks off her and looks at them. You have every right to be upset, if she kept sending him messages and pictures he should have blocked her number from sending them.
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