New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

He was sexting and then had an affair, I cant decide whether to forgive and work on it, or leave!

Tagged as: Cheating, Faded love, Forbidden love, Sex, Three is a crowd, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (27 July 2014) 2 Answers - (Newest, 27 July 2014)
A female United Kingdom age , *encat writes:

I recently asked for help over my partner sexting another woman and I have now spoken to her and she was very willing to tell me that they had know each other for about a year and that they were only friends and although she wanted more, he said that he love me, so she broke it off. She said they still text but only 'how are you' etc. I have now confronted him and found out that he did have sex with her on about 4 occasions but it was over because he wanted me, as she said, he said he had a very comfortable life here. I am 15 years older than him, she was 8 years younger, and he says he doesn't know why it happened, just one of those things. I had an affair when I was married and I know it was because the physical side of our relationship had died and I felt very lonely and in the end didn't leave my partner for the person I had the affair with, and I have asked him to at least explain why he needed someone else but he can't come up with an explanation. I don't know why either I have not screamed and shouted at him as I find that hard to do, but do I forgive him for this, or just wipe my wounds, and move on after 9 years.

View related questions: affair, move on, text

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Dionee' South Africa +, writes (27 July 2014):

Dionee' agony auntIf it was me in your shoes, I'd dump him because that type of stuff for me is a no-no. However, you have a cheating past of your own so I guess it would be hypocritical of you if you didn't take him back. Now I'm not saying you should, I'm just giving facts. You do know that if you take him back it won't be easy? In fact, it will be a bit harder than before you knew as thoughts of it may provoke nasty actions and words to escape you from time to time. It means that insecurities may arise on your part because of it, among many other things such as you always being aware of what he's now capable of. Stuff like this ruins relationships to the point where they may never be what they were before. If you take him back just bare all of this in mind. IT WON'T BE EASY. I won't decide for you what it is that you should do because in your case you've done the same thing in the past so you may come off as a hypocrite with a double standard while if you go the other route, you may end up being who you never though you'd turn into and I say MAY as we'd never truly know as we as aunts do not know you as a person, we've only got what we read to go on. You know what type of a person you are and you know who you can be. Decide based on whether you will get over it, never to bring it up again as hurtful words during an argument while working through it and bettering your relationship as a couple OR whether you will grow resentful, abusive, possessive, insecure and angry. This is something only you can have the final say in so I say take into consideration what everyone has said and will say, then continue to decide from there. Good luck OP.

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014):

If you chose to forgive him for one mistake, you also bear the responsibility of moving forward and starting from a clean slate. You can't slip back and allow insecurities or anger to bring-up the past. The question is, can you really do that?

Well, you've met your karma as far as cheating goes. It is a reminder and a life-lesson, at the pain such behavior causes your mate. It also serves to reinforce in your subconscious; that all people are capable of making mistakes, and there are times we must forgive to move forward. Not to be misconstrued that all behavior is excusable.

If you have full-confidence and trust that he is sincere; you will have no problem forgiving him, and working to sustain and heal your relationship. If you find it difficult on your own, don't hesitate to seek couples-counseling just as a safety-net; when you feel emotions getting out of hand. You are human, and you have some healing to do. There is a long and strenuous recovery-period after betrayal.

My personal-reaction would be to dump him; and move on with my healing to get a fresh start. I don't allow for drama. I have forgiven a partner for cheating. In fact, I caught him in the act. We had been together many years before that. I am a tough and resilient person; and I also know when to cut free of the bullsh*t. Our relationship lasted another trouble-free 18 years, until he passed away. We had the normal troubles couples have; but cheating didn't occur again. He went out of his way to earn my trust back, and he succeeded. He loved me to the end, and vice versa.

In theory we feel we can get-over things, but in fact; it will linger in the back of your mind and create insecurity and suspicion. We tend to forgive 98%; but hold back 2% in-case we get burned again. We rebuild trust by allowing the offender to earn their way back; but we have to be fair and open-minded enough to allow them to. That takes faith, strength, and belief that what you have between you is real. If you can do this, by all means do so.

If you will hold a grudge and always relapse; you cannot truly forgive him. Under such circumstances and conditions, the relationship will suffer. You will want him to account for all his time and whereabouts. You will spy on him and question his motives toward other women. You will sense he's up to things, when he isn't consistent in his behavior; and you will spontaneously get aggravated at the least little provocation. There will be frequent arguments over petty issues. You have to realize, that forgiveness is both conscious and subconscious.

I think you should give him a chance, but with conditions.

That he be honest and straight-forward with you. That he realize there will be no future chances; and this is it.

You have to convince your own mind that this is really what you want and deserve. If ending the relationship isn't the healthier alternative.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "He was sexting and then had an affair, I cant decide whether to forgive and work on it, or leave!"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0312565000022005!