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He wants to swing, does he not love me anymore?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (22 July 2007) 7 Answers - (Newest, 7 May 2012)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My husband said he wants to start swinging, does that mean he does not love me anymore, or is just not satisfied with our sex life.

Am i not making him happy anymore?

View related questions: sex life, swinging

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A female reader, sexystar United States +, writes (7 May 2012):

sexystar agony aunti found myself in the same situation 8 months ago, i agreed cause i didnt want to break my relationship or just refused without even giving it a try, WELL i was wrong, when your heart tells you is not ok, means is not ok and never will be ok…i have been forced, he says he never put a gun to my head but we all know is the real world that usually dont happen, there is a lot of ways of forcing, there is manipulation, black mailing and preasure…

i been through all of them…and was weak to say No. now we are still done, we are together but we are done is just a matter of days before i pack my stuff and leave, i cant live like this each time we did it was more painful than the last, because it evolves, they start saying is fun for both, but the truth is that is fun for them…i feel disgusted by men touching me without any feelings of any kind like of i was a doll, you need to be strong put your foot down and say NOOO!

if he leaves because of it , so be it..he never loved you. but of you go down that route you will still loose your relationship and will get hurt badly, i would have had more chances of staying together with my husband if i would have said no, now there is really no chance we can make it, i hate what he did to us, i hate i agreed and was a coward, just be strong…best wishes hun! kisses to you!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2009):

Hi. I'm 21 and I'll be coming from the completely opposite end of the field.

I have recently been dealing with the fact that my girlfriend wants an open relationship. Whether she can go see other men/women on her own or if we can try swinging together. The key thing here is that she asked me if I was okay with this, and if I wasn't that she would be monogamous. She has been open and honest with me, and she has explained that she has her own set of rules and limitations with them. She has also explained that it would never work unless we kept up on our communication. At first this was way past my boundaries and I immediatly rejected it, but in truth I don't think she stopped loving me or is unsatisfied.

The fact is that a relationship can be a very limiting commitment. As little desire as I have to sleep with anyone else but her, I know I love her, and I want her to be happy. Sexual growth doesn't cease as soon as we find a comfortable partner. I've decided to let her be with another man. They are going slow, but it has been tough on me. I have found jelousy and despair in myself. At the same time I believe in my choice and I want to push my boundaries. Not just for her, but for myself. I want to get married someday to someone I love, and whoever that maybe I do not want under any circumstance to drown either of us in a miserable and hateful jail of forced monogamy. We can have an open relationship, and I could be monogamous too. Who knows maybe I'll open up to swinging one day too.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009):

Eve gave good advice... here's a bit more...

Some guys get caught up in the fantasy of group sex and swinging and forget that their wife is part of the deal. They focus on their pleasure and ASSUME that the wife will be sharing equal pleasure and that they'll reconnect after the fact and share even more pleasure together... that may work for a couple in a VERY TIGHT, very open minded relationship, but not in one where the guy forgets about his wife's feelings!

he either has gotten lost in fantasy, or doesn't care- either way you don't need to be swinging. if the two of you ahve been fantasing about it for a while, and had multiple long talks, read alot about it...etc, then sure go for it, but he's lost...

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007):

I know this maybe isn't very helpful but I simply would not tolerate this. At least he is being honest with you I suppose - I discovered my exboyfriend was doing this sort of thing behind my back and left him the same day. Dump him would be my advice, sorry!!!!

Good luck to you, Hannah

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A female reader, DIE-romantic. United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2007):

DIE-romantic. agony auntIt might not be because of those reasons, maybe he just wants to explore? And try something new? I can see your concern and worries though, i wouldnt agree to this though, because like AskEve said it will only cause you more pain, and this could very well end badly and ruin your relationship.

Good luck xxxxx

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A male reader, DJ8433 United States +, writes (22 July 2007):

DJ8433 agony auntEve has some really good ideas if swinging is not an option for you. It sounds like your husband is not happy and wants to F--k around. If he loves you, he couldn't possibly imagine you being with another man without being sick to his stomach. You're very young, I would suggest finding a more mature man if you're wanting to settle down. If you do breakup though, give yourself some time. It's not a bad thing to be by yourself to decide just what it is that you want for your future. Be in control of you and don't do anything unless you want to do it. Decide what you want, and do it.

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2007):

AskEve agony auntMen want to swing for lots of reasons. It could well be that he finds sex a bit boring and just wants to spice things up a bit. I would NOT go down this road though (just my opinion) as it will only lead to heartbreak. Only certain types of people like to do this and you don't sound strong enough for it. It will only cause you MORE hurt and heartbreak. Set boundaries with him and tell him there is NO WAY you would even think of going down that road.

Instead, try to spice up your marriage a bit. Talk to him and ask him what he thinks is missing from your sex life. Ask him what his fantasies are and try to act them out for him. If it involves more than the 2 of you then you can make up scenarios together in bed. "Imagine this was happening to you etc" Turn him on by setting a scene but keep it as fantasy. Reality is very different and is NEVER the same as the fantasy.


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