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He wants to keep things casual and now I'm pregnant!

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 January 2011) 16 Answers - (Newest, 5 January 2011)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am a hormonal emotional wreck. The man I hv been with for many years just informed me he wants to keep things the way they are at the moment. We live in separate homes . The twist in this I am 3 months pregnant . He wants things to

remain causal with him coming and going as he pleases. He says I love you why mess things up .

I tried in vane to explain there will be a child involved. I hv the oppurtunty to move closer to family before the child is born.

Do I do this ? Do I wait to see if he will change his mind. I don't need his money . In fact I make 3 times what he makes.

I am so upset and scared :(

View related questions: I love you, money

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011):

It seems like he may be panicking now at the thought of all of this. I too wonder what he means about being there only for you. Does he mean won't be there for his child?

I do think another more serious talk with him might be a good idea as someone else suggested. I'm not sure how old he is but he needs to grow up and take some responsibility here.

If he is coming and going as he pleases is he monogamous with you?

I'm really sorry that you have to deal with all of this as well as the surprise of the pregnancy.

Please take care.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (4 January 2011):

Honeypie agony auntI'm sorry, his behavior seems all together immature. Did he say he would be there for you, but not that baby or did I misunderstand that part of your post?

If so.... He can go fly a kite.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

We have been together for almost 4 yrs. He does not plan on moving in at all. This will be his first child , my 3rd my youngest is 18 . He has said " I will be there for you and only you "

Up until my pregnancy we had discussed living together now that seems to be off the table .

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

So he was keen on the idea of a baby, but the reality is too much for him apparently. Other than saying he doesn't want to move in with you or to get married/have a commitment- I'm not sure what you discussed between the two of you prior to all of this, what does he say about the child to be? Has he said whether he intends to be an active father at all?

Or does he just intend to keep living separately and not be there? Does he have other children? How long have you two been a involved?

It's hard to comment much without knowing more about the overall relationship. It seems odd to have been discussing a child in the near future if he wants to keep things casual.

I would move near to your family, give him contact information, tell him he will have to be financially responsible even if he does not want to be there for you and the baby during the pregnancy and afterward and hope that he will turn around if you think he can be a good father. He is going to be missing out on a lot if he runs away from all of this.

Please take good care of yourself and seek the support of friends and family, I'm sure they will be there for you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

There is no one else . I didn't do this to myself . It was a huge shock so much so I took 5 home pregnancy tests to confirm .

He will not get off easy in my state they make the fathers pay all the prenatal visits and hospital bill . He will not get off easy

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A female reader, Fabulosa United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

Fabulosa agony auntIt doesn't matter if its planned or not. Sex is sex and we all know there's a risk of preganacy and by agreeig to sex you agree to the "what ifs".

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A female reader, smileyface. United States +, writes (4 January 2011):

smileyface. agony aunthe doesnt want to grow up yet and he doesnt want to take responsability,

do you think maybe there is another person ?

and maybe thats why he wants things to stay the way they are?

put your foot down and tell him, he helped make the baby so now he has to help support and care for the baby. dont let him get the easy way out.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011):

Was this a planned pregnancy? Did he agree to becoming a father? If not, then it might be a bit presumptuous to ask him to change the rules of the relationship when he wasn't given any choice in it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011):

(((hugs)))

I would move closer to your family and don't count on him for support. He doesn't sound reliable as a father although he may turn around once the baby is born. Make sure he is named as the father and that he contributes financially at least.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The child was a surprise . But we had talked about children in the very near future . He was the one whonwas keen on the idea.

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A female reader, Chickita South Africa +, writes (3 January 2011):

Hi anonymous

There are many things at play here...the most important factors being (firstly) the baby's wellbeing and then yours.

May I highlight that men arent like women. We (women) want commitment, men seldomly volunteer it. Generally something drastic pushes them to consider giving up the bachelor lifestyle. When he says "I love you why mess things up" he is simply saying, why fix it if it aint broken...guess what, it is now broken and he wont consider fixing it if he doesnt know it needs fixing.

Its important to tell him, clearly and assertively (not in vane) that he is going to be a father and that it is up to him to decide whether he'll be an active parent to the baby or not. Its important to voice your concerns and your terms, should he opt to be an active parent.

You see, its not about the money you make. Its about giving your child an opportunity to experience the full love of a mother and a father, preferably within a family unit where both mother and father are inlove. the money cant buy your baby a fathers genuine love nor will moving closer to your family.

First prize is to tell him that he will be a father, and give him the opportunity to express his desires and plans going forward.

I dont get the feeling that this man doesnt love you...I get the feeling that you've allowed him to come and go as he pleases, he likes that (who wouldnt) and he doesnt see why all that must now change, you have to be the one to tell him why its all of a sudden changing.

If he wants nothing to do with the baby or if he refuses to address your concerns and abide by your terms/meet you halfway - then you have to consider Plan B, moving closer to family and the possiblity of being a single parent.

You have nothing to fear, you come across (in a state of hormonial emotinal wreck) as strong, independent, assertive and loving. Pregancy hasnt taken that from you... You'll be able to cope - no matter the outcome. You have the support of family, a healthy bank balance and lots of love to give to your baby - you'll be fine with or without him.

Dont frsutrate yourself, your wellbeing is important. Take care of yourself first by doing what needs to be done to get the clarity and certainty you need to plan ahead, and to enable you to make the decisions that need to be made.

Please tell him you are pregnant ASAP, give him a week to decide if he wants in or not, then you can take it from there...

All the best

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (3 January 2011):

eyeswideopen agony auntDo what you think will be in the baby's best interest. Being closer to family, who will get involved in his/her life, may take up the slack for having a disinterested father figure. If your job allows you to move then maybe you should consider it. But the baby should be your main concern here and your rather irresponsible boyfriend should be your least.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011):

You clearly want to change the nature of your relationship. If he is not up for that, I would consider a move nearer to your family. You will need support when the baby is born and you are more likely to get that from family if he is keen to keep your relationship casual. Tell him the rules of the game have changed with a child in the equation. He will need to decide his view on this and you should have your plan b in place should he look like he wants something different to you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (3 January 2011):

Honeypie agony auntI think you need to prepare yourself on being a single mom. Doesn't seem like he is willing to put forth the effort of a dad.

Was the child planned?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011):

when a man truly loves you,he will be committed to you,will value you and be willing to make sacrifices to make you happy. This guy,obviously is just using you. Dont expect much from him, be strong for yourself and for your unborn child. Wish you the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2011):

i think you should be around your family i am sure they will support you but leave him a contact number so he can contact you about this child he clearly doesn't love you otherwise he would support you

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