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He wants sex but won't tell me where we stand. How do I make him understand that this is important to me?

Tagged as: Dating, Friends, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (7 April 2011) 16 Answers - (Newest, 11 April 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

There is this friend of mine that i study with at my uni. we have know each other for roughly 2 and a half years and a lot of nights we study until really late (between 2am and 3am). The problem is we are attracted to each other and sometimes after studying i go over to his place to cuddle. I really just want to cuddle but for him it is hard to just keep it at that and usually he tries to have sex with me and i tell him no.

The reason i say no is because he is not putting enough on the table so that i can feel secure to sleep with him. He wants to have sex on a regular basis with no relationship and on top on that he doesn't really tell me how he feels about me...do i run into the risk of falling for him and him just using me for sex. I have tried explaining this to him but either he doesn't understand of he is refusing to understand.

When i ask him i need to know your intentions or where is this leading he always says who can predict the future. I feel that he could at least tell me what he plans to do if and after we have sex because i will need some emotional support afterward. i have asked him if we can get to know each other better like talk on the phone and go out places first but he gets frustrated with me...because we have known each other for a longtime but i need some kind of emotional intimacy from him before we do what he wants to do.

i need advice on what to do how to communicate with him better so that he understands me better and is more sensitive to my feelings. please do not tell me to stay away from him as it is impossible we have a lot of classes together and my grades at school are better when we study together.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all for your advice....i am going to try and cut out the cuddling sessions because it is getting me frustrated.i havent been with a man for a year and a half ...stupidly I told him this...so it will be a struggle.the fact that I keep getting the same replies helps me out of my denial.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2011):

Are you treating sex like a commodity?

I will put out if there is something to gain for me.

How about sex for the sake of having sex.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (8 April 2011):

Cerberus agony auntActions speak louder than words. If the words don't match the actions then they're bullshit.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011):

Wow thanks for that! inside the mind of a player girls..

so really if a guy isnt asking you out on a date after a reasonable time or canceling dates,or in routine contact with you, regardless of how much he says he likes you or how amazing you are, he's just after one thing, and he has his mind set on that. simple as.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (8 April 2011):

Cerberus agony auntThat's easy female anon, because the cuddle sessions satisfy some of our sexual urges, those women are convenient, easy, it feels nice and we can wait.

You see the difference between men and women is that women get approached a lot more than we do. When we like a girl we usually have to do the pursuing, we have to do all the work and well if we have an easy piece of ass willing to go "cuddle" with us then it's a lot less hassle making her sleep with us than it is to go out and date and all the other stuff. Plus it's a hell of a lot cheaper too (dating costs money).

Cuddle buddy's are cheap and easy, they don't demand we spend money on them to play with their tits. They just want to be held and we get to fool around with them without making any commitment because they've already given in and "sleep" with us. In my experience the only thing cuddle buddies don't do is full on sex, oral, manual or penetration. But anything else goes. That'll do for a while, we can keep trying to have sex and they'll either get pissed off and just let you to shut you up or their feelings will grow so strong that they'll let down their wall and hope that sex will make you realize you have feelings for them too. What's even better from the guys perspective is that they start seeing all the mundane normal things you do,the things you'd do for anyone as signs of romantic interest. Their feelings do all the work for you because they get themselves so physically intimate with you that they can't control them.

What made me commit to my girlfriend? I had feelings for her it's that simple. I never had any feelings for my cuddle buddies, none. Otherwise I would have invested in them emotionally. I would have committed to them I would have spent time and effort proving to them that I deserved their love and their bodies. But with you (female anon) and OP there's no need to do any of that because you just don't get that they have no respect for you because they keep trying it on. Respect means taking no for an answer but if the girl keeps getting in bed with you after all that then, she's just waiting for you to say the right things before she opens her legs. You see while you're wondering why he keeps trying it on when you told him you need more commitment he's there thinking "if that's what she wants then why the hell is she in bed with me grinding my erection and letting me kiss her neck?"

Now I've also had female friend cuddle buddies that were strictly platonic too and I would never in a million years cross any sexual boundaries with them. Even cuddling I would ensure my erection didn't touch off them I would never kiss them or touch them inappropriately because I actually cared about those girls. You see when I cuddled with these other girls that were my "friends" girls like you and OP, I had no respect for them, I wanted pussy and I was perfectly prepared to keep trying and keep going to bed with them because they weren't stopping me and eventually they all did sleep with me, some even decided to make it regular and most of them got hurt when they realized what was going on. I really felt no guilt about it all and still don't if I'm honest, I was very wrong to do that but I wanted what I wanted and I never lied to them once, I mean come on what did they think I wanted when I kept trying to unclothe them and would never give them a guarantee of feelings. I never told them that I would love them or that feelings were possible I just said nothing and I said "let's see what happens in the future". But my actions were exceptionally obvious just their feelings made them want to believe that it was possible and who was I to tell them it's not when I wouldn't have gotten sex?

I really hate to say this, and really hate to offend but I would never date one of my cuddle buddies. For the simple fact that I never needed to, they gave me what I wanted despite all their demands because they got a big surprise when they realized they couldn't control their feelings like they thought they could and it only took one "special" night for all the pieces to fall together and their worlds to fall apart.

My attitude back then was it was their own fault because the only thing that hurt them was their own assumptions. I mean trying it on with them all the time, it was just so obvious what I was after, they knew what the story was and it wasn't my fault that they refused to listen to their instincts because they hoped they were wrong. I just wasn't nice enough to confirm that to them. Here's the killer you see, those girls wanted to have sex with me, they just wanted their minds put at ease first but instead of lying to them and feeling bad about it all I had to do was wait and persevere then they'd let me shag them and I wouldn't have to feel bad about it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011):

Hi totally understand how you feel. I was in this situation before, but I was strong and ditched the guy and our "cuddle" sessions.

But I found im in this situation yet again! with a different guy. I have a question for "Cerberus" as he seems to have been one of these guys... if its just about the sex why if they are not getting it, time and time again do they keep trying, can they not just move on? and if you were once an "asshole" as you put it, what made you commit to your girlfriend?

Im vry curious about all this, us girls need to be wise for these players.

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A female reader, Denise32 United States + , writes (8 April 2011):

Denise32 agony auntGiving you his homework to copy (should he even be DOING that??) and staying up late to explain what you've studied? That's a very small matter. The main issue here is that we, as outsiders, can have a fair idea as to what's in his mind, and for you it's not so easy because you've known him a long time.

Look: he's not going to come out and say he just wants no strings sex, now is he? That would be self-defeating. I will give him credit for at least being honest enough not to spin you a line about being his gf, and "you're the one for me" stuff - even though as Cerberus has pointed out, there are men out there who will do this.

No, he's being evasive about his intentions by seemingly not understanding what you're asking, and is being intentionally vague.

You want to believe he wants a commitment. This is why you don't like our responses, and find it hard to accept.....

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A female reader, Trinklett Canada +, writes (8 April 2011):

Trinklett agony auntLeave him now and study on your own please. Any guy who doesn't want to be straight with you is just trying to use you. 2 1/2 years you say? That's a really long time.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (8 April 2011):

Cerberus agony auntYou're looking at signs of romance and caring, when all he's doing is being a study buddy, plus he knows he gets the chance at having sex with you each time because you go to his place and "cuddle".

OP we guys will play a long patient game to get a woman into the sack, it's a lot easier when she already goes to be with us regularly. It doesn't mean we can't care about the girl, but when a girl keeps going to bed with us even though we keep pestering her for sex we know eventually she will give us that. Otherwise why would she keep letting herself be fondled, touched and pestered for sex regularly? OP the only women that let us do that to them over and over again are women that really like us or women with absolutely no self esteem. You're the former. He knows you really like him, he knows he's going to keep getting chances to convince you to sleep with him so why should he change that situation by telling you he's not going to give you what you want?

OP I'm in college at the moment, I give everyone my notes and I have no problem meeting anyone and spending the night studying with them male or female, now when it's a female offering herself on a plate to me but she just needs more convincing, then you can bet your ass I'd keep trying and if all it took was giving her notes and having "study sessions" which often end up with us in bed together "cuddling" then that deal is even sweeter. I don't do that though because I have a girlfriend.

OP why would you commit to someone emotionally when you already get all the perks? Why would he emotionally commit when all it will take is persistence and a moment of weakness on your part? Why would he commit when he knows that you like him and the more you cuddle in bed with him the more you will like him and the more likely you won't be able to stop your feelings and you'll eventually just start having sex with him in the hopes that will make him love you. Again it's easiest way, he just has make sure that door never closes by telling you the truth that he doesn't see you that way.

OP I've gotten into that situation lots of times as I said. Even the most virginal girls with the strongest willpower will give in to their feelings eventually if they let you physically close enough to them.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

i keep on hearing this from everyone that i should limit his access to me.I dont like the answers i am getting partly because i am in denial but when i dicussed this with someone else he told me that he is trying to get something for nothing because really there is nothing in it for me if we run the situation the way he wants it to be run. I guess it is hard for me to believe what is going on because we are genuinely friends he has done alot for me for example giving me his homework to copy eventhough he has worked on it for hours the night before...staying up to explain schoolwork to me soo the message he is sending is really confusing me

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2011):

if he wont tell you where he stands, then its probably because its something he knows you dont want to hear..

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A female reader, Denise32 United States + , writes (7 April 2011):

Denise32 agony auntYou say he won't tell you where you stand with him and what his intentions are. Unfortunately, from what you have told us, it's crystal clear.

He has absolutely no intention of having any connection with you beyond sex. None.

You ask how you can communicate your needs/expectations to him. The short answer is that he knows very well how you feel and what you want. His "agenda" is not the same as yours; consequently it is simply not possible for you to get through to him. His refusal to respond is deliberate.

The only choice you have is to give up on this man entirely.

If you must be in the same class, then don't sit with him. Go home afterwards, on your own, and do your late-nght studying there. If you remember that all he is after is a "friends with benefits" affair - the benefits of free sex being all on his side; no benefits to you - it might make it easier. He wants what he wants, and doesn't care in the slightest what you might want.

You can do a lot better than this man.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (7 April 2011):

Cerberus agony auntOh just to make it clear to you OP as I've done this myself (yeah I've been an asshole) but when he said "who knows what will happen in the future" he's basically saying "I don't feel that way about you but I'm not going to tell you that because I still want to get you to fuck me and if I keep pestering you, you will eventually let me". And you will OP, you can't say no forever when you're that close to someone physically, one of those nights when you're cuddling he'll say the right things and you'll let him.

I've done that a few times, if you're patient enough with a woman who lets you get that physically close to them, so close that you're in bed cuddling to them, there's only so long they can hold out before your persistence pays off.

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A male reader, Cerberus Ireland + , writes (7 April 2011):

Cerberus agony auntIt's easy really, he knows what you want and he's not going to give that to you. There's no way of being clearer about this to him OP you've already said everything and he understands fully but only wants you as a fuck buddy.

It is a massive red flag. This is exactly the kind of brush off we give to girls when we want to fuck them but nothing more.

You see he's not saying no directly because he doesn't want you to close that door to him, the door to sex with you would be completely closed if he told you he's not interested in you in that way. You see if he wanted more with you emotionally then the choice would be easy OP, 2 1/2 years you know this guy and you're cuddling with him for ages now. He would know by now if he wanted more but he doesn't.

He only wants to use you for sex, it's guaranteed. Otherwise he'd have no problem dating.

OP stop cuddling with him, you're only feeding your emotions and making it worse fir you and you will fall completely in love with him this way, even worse OP you may feel vulnerable or really tired one night and decide to let him have sex with you, something which you'd really regret because he will never give you anything more than sex.

You're making a huge mistake cuddling with a guy that tries to have sex with you all the time. He's made his intentions very clear even if you want to believe you can talk him into having feelings for you it doesn't work like that.

Keep up the studying, that's useful but you need to completely remove all physical intimacy from this or it's going to drive you insane. Not only that but there is no guarantee you won't have a moment of weakness and give in to him and then you will feel like shit, might completely ruin your study partnership and not only that but you'll have to see the guy who used you for sex everyday in college.

Stop this and take a step back. No more physical intimacy, no more cuddling.

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A female reader, godschild United States +, writes (7 April 2011):

Hi, I would say he may not be the one for you. I have been there before and usually guys will tell you whatever just to get into your pants so be happy he is being honest by not giving an answer which usuaylly means he isnt ready to committ or for a serious relationship. Do not give in! you will just be hurt there after. Youre one of the lucky ones most guys will tell you "we go together" or introduce you as his girlfriend just because he knows thats what you want to hear and he can get into your pants. Keep your standards, trust me there are plenty other girls out there that will sleep with guys no strings attached. So let him find that type. He will respect you in the long run.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2011):

Im fairly fairly certain he is after sex only because he is not clear at all with his intentions. This is a HUGE red flag and I applaud you for not giving in. If youre after a relationship, get rid of this one. It honestly was a big mistake to take classes with him cause now it leaves you cornered in a way, but that doesnt mean you cant be civil and still be apart. Best on this.

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