A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello there - Am after some advice.I am 40 years old and am living with my partner and our 6 month old baby. To cut things short my partner has always struggled with alcohol but is a loving partner and a wonderful Dad and never drinks at home. We have been together for 3 years and he moved in to my 2 bedroom house which I own (and was very proud to manage to buy myself) He had 2 children who stay with us regularly. In a years time he has suggested us buying a bigger house together so that the children have their own rooms (His 2 have to share my little ones room when they are over, they are 7 and 8 and have bunk beds set up). Before he moved in with me he was renting with friends. I am very dubious about letting go of my security and my home I purchased. I know I can afford the mortgage with or without a man so buying a bigger house and having joint finance scares the heck out of me. He had a lot of binges last year and is now on pubwatch for 18 months and has lost his driving licence for 22 months due to drinking under the influence, so I am the only one who can drives us all around (including his children when they are here) Although he has not drank for months and he is adorable to me, he has never once asked if I would be happy to sell my house, just assumed and after browsing the internet this morning for larger properties I told him my doubts and he told me to stop being so negative and to look forward. Can I just say that we had the bailiffs turn up twice last year due to unpaid debts he owed from previous years prior to me. He said it was fine and that we would discuss it another time. He has today off work (he is self employed) - I've just gone to change my babies nappy and I have come downstairs to find he has gone out. He has text me to say he has popped out for some time out (meaning pub). Which means I doubt he will work tomorrow and he will probably wet the bed.. again. I do love him, he is not violent in the slightest, he is a fabulous man who struggles every day. I just can't see a way forward when I think we probably want different things. I don't want to let my house go but we couldn't afford another place unless I sold it. I just don't know what to suggest anymore. Can anyone give me some advice through their own opinions please. He is a successful man who could earn thousands a year but the fact that he has just gone to the pub sends massive red warning signs. I have lots of family and friends around and they would be horrified if they knew he had just gone out. Many thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2014): thanks again - my family and friends know about his problem - they are just biding their time until I end it I think. I am once again, sat in with my child on bank holiday Friday after him not coming home from work - we were supposed to be out for a meal with his family tonight. I don't even feel angry, I think that is because I'm so bored of it all. I think I want him out and my house to be filled with calm and the sound of laughter from my friends and family. I just dread to think where he would end up if I ended it. Makes me shudder with worry.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (8 April 2014):
 I think you would benefit from Al-Anon, you won't be left wondering what he's thinking any longer. What matters is what you are thinking and how you are taking care of yourself. One thing I think you have done is isolate yourself and your situation from your friends and family. You need support, so either be brave and tell a close friend or family member or go to Al-Anon, where you can hear similar stories to yours and know that you are not alone.
I think it's important to keep yourself healthy and that means nurturing yourself with the right support and help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): Thanks again - he has not mentioned it since. I think he must think I'm really stupid or something. x
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 April 2014):
 What he means is that you can pay off your mortgage earlier by making extra payments and having more equity in the house… it does not matter what he means or wants…. It’s still like Tisha said.. he’s NOT hearing what you need/want/said. It’s ALL ABOUT HIM and his needs and his wants.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 April 2014):
He means that what he hears from you is "blah blah blah" …. in other words, he's not listening to you. He's got some idea in his head and knows that you just need to be outwaited by him.
He's still drinking then. He's an active alcoholic looking to fuel his need to drink enough to pass out and piss his bed. He's not thinking with a healthy brain.
Get into Al-Anon and get support from people who are in similar circumstances.
Make no financial moves based on an alcoholic's boozy whims.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2014): Here is an update... I told him that under no circumstances was I going to sell my house and I thought that was the end of it. Today he asked me to check my mortgage to see if overpayments could be made so that my mortgage early so that there is more collateral!?? What does he mean?
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2014):
I live (and love) an active alcoholic... I see you have agreed that you would be mad to agree to his plan.... I concur.
Alcoholics when sober are charming lovely people and when drunk are impossible.
I would never subject children to being around my husband when he's been drinking but then he's not a happy drunk.
Even with a pleasant happy drunk there are so many issues that you have to address...
I would NOT sell the house.
I would NOT pay his bills
I would not bail him out or make excuses for him.
I would not let him NOT pull his own fiscal weight in the home now.
If you can manage to end it with him then do so. and have NO guilt about it or depriving your child of their father. He clearly is willing to see and support his children so make that so in your agreement to have him leave when you can.
as for wetting the bed.... mandate that he sleep in one of the bunk beds on nights he drinks... and MAKE HIM CHANGE his own damn sheets.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (13 March 2014):
 I agree. You're much better off without him. It's not just that an habitual drinker is not reliable, it's that they create a whole new set of things to worry about. They're more a liability than an asset.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2014): Thank you... You all speak sense U
I know. He drank all day yesterday, I phoned him at 1am and he was back at some guys house who he had met in the pub. He had to ask the guy his name when I asked who. I told him he was ridiculous and not to come home. What was I thinking ?? Am probably better off without him all together.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Make that 8. I think it's weird that you even considered that plan. Frankly, I feel you have and will have your plate quite full already just managing a partner with a drinking problem / drinking addiction, without also having to do business with him ( yes buying a house together is business ).
So he has the potential to earn big bucks, has he . Then , tell him to get going and do something to unleash that potential, and SHOW you the money, when he has it you could maybe reconsider. Because, as of now,how would this all play out ? You can pay your half of the new house by selling the one you already own,- and what is he going to pay HIS half with ? Since he's got nothing, but a pile of DEBTS ?. Does he suggest that you pay , either in cash or by taking up a mortgage, for HIS half of a bigger house that HE needs to accomodate better HIS own kids ?.... Boy, he must be REALLY charming to have you only consider such a harebrained scheme.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2014): Thank you... funnily enough he is on day 2 of drinking. I have my answer now, that you for all your advice 7/7 of you say I must be mad to even consider it - I agree ! xx
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 I believe this is the business side of any relationship that you must consider without emotional sentiment.
I would be asking myself if he weren’t my partner (or husband to be); would I enter into a business arrangement with someone like him? Be that you know his performance and circumstances with prior unpaid debits, no drivers licence due to DUI, has bouts of timeout down at the Pub when he could be making thousands a year… For me the answer is a; SOLID NO!
Regardless of your strengths to afford a mortgage with or without a man, the mere fact that it scares the heck out of you, suggests you have a survival instinct button that triggers when red flags appear. You have a high regard to be secure and stable.
Now there’s a huge difference with having joint finances with a man who does earn thousands a year as to one whom is on pub watch, done for DUI, pops out to the Pub, has debitors knocking on the door and a bladder issue. The later are red flags to be taken seriously!?
Perhaps when he remedies his drinking, you could then consider seriously talking about marriage and a bigger house? As loving as he is to you or regardless of him being a wonderful Dad; he also needs to love himself, get some self-respect and purge himself completely from this drink once and for all.
At present he doesn’t see or fathom his drinking as having negative effects… Perhaps it’s time for him to wake-up?
Take Care – CAA
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (12 March 2014):
 Don't sell your house on a promise. Period.
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A
female
reader, Sensible Alice +, writes (11 March 2014):
 I hear every one of your concerns and understand where you are coming from. I can only say; listen to your gut. If he starts drinking again down the line and you have are share owners in a house, it makes it that much harder for you to leave, knowing that you face losing half the house and having to buy another in a property market that could have risen considerably (and you may be at an age when it's just not financially viable for you to buy again). Keep your current house. That's your safety net. Buy a second house with him if you feel it's what you want to do. I'd also recommend getting some legal advice.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2014): You've already made one very questionable decision by having a child with a drunken debtor.Don't compound your lapse in judgement by co-mingling finances with a drunken debtor. If you buy a house together then his creditors will probably end up with his interest forcing you to sell and/or he will mortgage it to the hilt and force you into foreclosure.
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (11 March 2014):
Stay put.
Right now you're living within your means, you don't need him to make ends meet and you have security. Regardless of how 'nice' he is he is not reliable. If he were, he wouldn't need you.
Stick to your guns on this and don't budge an inch. Don't even look at another property. The next time he brings it up tell him if he wants a big new house, he should do what most people do and that is work hard, save his money, be consistent and then he can buy himself whatever he likes.
It takes few skills and little effort to be 'nice' and 'cheerful' when things are going our way. This doesn't make him a great guy.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 March 2014):
 THIS - right here:
"Can I just say that we had the bailiffs turn up twice last year due to unpaid debts he owed from previous years prior to me. He said it was fine and that we would discuss it another time."
You do realize that this means he CAN'T buy a new house without you? You would be saddled with the commitment and expense, and his habits of drinking and out of control life means that the odds are painfully possible that he would wreck your financial life.
He lives with you because he has to. He was renting off of friends, has to make multiple child support payments, has a credit problem, and is making babies without protection?
Not a good catch, but people should MARRY before houses.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 March 2014):
 Legally this would be a dumb thing. UNLESS you make sure to draw up a LOT of documents about the shared estate. Such as who put in how much money into the new house, who gets what, basically.
Also with his drinking, there are exponentially higher chance of him having a heart-attack, kidney and liver problems, MORE DUI's, kill someone or himself on the road, getting into financial trouble and NOT telling you.
I get that buying a bigger house would make sense. BUT... I would NOT be doing this with this guy. (as lovely as you think he is, part from pissing the bed and drinking his ass off).
You are even hiding his behavior from your family. Which is a kind of enabling and codependency.
I would tell him, if you want us to have a bigger house YOU should (or I should) be the one owning it. But I will NOT get into any loans with you until you have sought help with the drinking.
Someone who WETS themselves in their sleep are not casual drinkers. You have to consume QUITE a lot to pee yourself in your sleep. Alcohol is a diuretic, so a person HAVE to pee more, and the liver and kidneys work OVERTIME to expel the alcohol from the body as well. However, HOW is it OK for him to come home climb in bed with you and pee? No, just no.
Listen to your gut.
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