A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello I've been with my boyfriend over a year and I love him. We plan a future together and we both want children. The problem is he wants to have children now and I want to get married first. I'm ready to get married but when I bring it up he doesn't say anything but switched the subject back to having kids. I can't get him to talk about marriage with me but he wants to talk about moving in together and starting a family. This is confusing to me because those are the steps to marriage but he's never said exactly he wants to marry me. Even though im ready for children I don't want to have them with someone who won't marry me because I'm traditional. I'm not in a rush to pressure him to marry me but he is pressuring me to start a family. I don't know what he really wants from this relationship? How can you be ready for kids but not ready to discuss marriage? Is this normal or a dead end relationship?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2016): A marriage can be undone. Children cannot. Children are the bigger commitment of the two.
Your BF is "setting up franchises." Maybe he is doing it consciously on purpose or maybe not, but that is where his actions are pointing.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (18 February 2016):
My two sisters have been in this exact situation. Their boyfriends were eager to have them move in together and start a family, but avoided the marriage subject. In love as my oldest sister was, she took the plunge and had a baby with him. She has now been a single mom for 10 years. The father turns up here and there, but when the moment came for him to pull his weight, he fled. My other sister vowed this would never happen to her. But at your age, she too was in love, and I won't lie, her boyfriend was a charmer. We all trusted him and figured his reluctance to marry had to do with still being relatively young. She had two kids with him before he left, both then still under the age of 5. She has since found out he has done this to many other women. He apparently has 7 kids running around, but he isn't taking his responsibility as a father for any of them.
So yes, when I read about someone that eager to have kids whilst not being into the concept of marriage, I view it as setting up franchises. This guy wants to spread his seed but he doesn't want to have to tend to it afterwards. No commitment.
So yes, stick to your guns. Ask him why he's so hell bent on starting a family if he won't even consider truly committing to you and these hypothetical children. Tell him: no marriage, no children. Tell him that you won't even discuss kids as long as he still isn't comfortable talking about marriage. End of story.
Learn from my sisters. They love their kids and they're good moms, but their lives have been very tough. The kids have also struggled with the idea of their fathers not wanting to be a part of their life. Best to prevent struggles like this.
Like others have said, take extra contraceptive measures. Better safe than sorry.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2016): Children deserve parents committed through marriage. It assures them legal rights, the right to their father's name, it gives you and your children security. Yes, do wait until you're married. It's convenient not to be married, get tired of supporting a family; then just walk. Like so many unwed fathers do. Leaving the mother to struggle by herself, or chase after him for child-support. While he decides to find himself another woman, get married, and start a yet another family. Leaving you seething with anger and jealousy.
Why on earth does this require advice? It's your womb.
Why would he commit you to motherhood, and not want to make you his wife first? Ask him why and insist on an answer. You came to us, when he's the one you should be talking to.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (16 February 2016):
 Three good replies precede mine. I can't add anything...
Good luck..
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 February 2016):
 Propose to him. Hear his answer. If the answer is yes, you plan the wedding and then the kids. If the answer is no, you don't move in together and you don't have kids. Problem solved. Now stop all this wondering and thinking, and ASK.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2016): Be up front with your boyfriend and tell him directly that you will not consider starting a family until you are married. Repeat as necessary (every time he brings up the subject of children).
Make sure you always use your own contraception also, even if he uses a condom or whatever. Just be safe.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2016): Aunty BimBim said it all. Be firm and don't let him convince you otherwise.Remember life is very difficult for single moms.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (16 February 2016):
 This looks like a dead end situation for you unless he realized that his decision will drive you away from him. Your position is perfectly normal: you want security for your motherhood and your child so that there is proper father. His decision, frankly, shows lot of shortcomings at being a good father, and if he does not change, I'd suggest that you should move on. What's the point of having kids if the father wants to stay on the loose! I think you need to stay firm in your wants and if he dies not change, it maybe time to move.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (16 February 2016):
 Ho, ho, so you are good enough to be used as a breeding cow but not good enough to make a lifelong commitment to?
Be firm, tell him very firmly you are not interested in moving in with him and certainly not prepared to have any children unless you are married to their father.
Remain firm. I would also suggest you make sure you are taking the pill or using some other form of contraceptive just in case HE decides to impregnate you against your wishes.
His attitude lacks respect, the fact he wont even DISCUSS marriage suggests he is not mature enough to raise children.
Stand your ground.
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