A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sometimes (often enough) my husband masturbates as soon as i leave the house. I dont care that he masturbates but this really annoys me. I know because he leaves evidence on my computer. I know most of the time its stress and he does it to calm down. But our sex life isnt the best anymore and not for my lack of trying. It really hurts my confidence because its like hes waiting for me to leave to do it.
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female
reader, Xena Bee  +, writes (2 September 2017):
There is something called Pornography Induced Erectile Dysfunction. In other words, porn becomes the trigger for arousal and it becomes difficult to get aroused without it. I highly recommend you research this and present this to him at some point soon. I'm sure regular intimacy is part of your relationship agreement/expectation, and if this is his issue and he doesn't deal with it (he simply has to quit porn), then he bears the responsibility for your relationship/intimacy issues. I get that marriage is hard and viewing someone else's fantasy (porn) is easy. But, that's just an excuse to not deal with the relationship--and what's really important: the human beings in the relationship. I would encourage patience while he figures all this out. Most guys aren't even aware this is a thing, clinically. Men with PIED may think they are having E.D. issues and porn is the cure. It's not. It's making it worse. But, that's for him to figure out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2017): Oh wow ' not caring for ones looks and appearance especially after childbirth ' male anon ? Seriously ???? You men should give it a try sometime . Do you seriously think it's so easy. I've done it four times and I can assure yuh that looks and appearance are NOT and should NOT be priorities when even surviving vaginal and abdominal tears , sleepless nights , bleeding nipples , surging hormones and god knows what .If a husband can't understand that and out his sex drive as less as a priority for a while than his wife and babies wel being then the problem lies with HIM not her !!!!That is highly insulting to point the finger at women when we are the ones who have to undergo such huge changes . Men should be NOTHING but supportive , not complaining and being pigs about it Seriously , men are never under the physical stresses that pregnancy and childbirth put on a woman's body and each body is UNIQUE. Many men have an extremely unrealistic expectation of what motherhood entails and the natural changes that occur . Looks and appearance will take a lower priority for some time for many women with the arrival of a baby and this is completely normal and natural . So long as a womanIs healthy clean and adapting to her new role well that's what's important . If a man marries a woman expecting looks to be the priority then perhaps he is better off just hiring a hooker or getting annlowUp doll not marrying a real life woman with hormones needs and humanity !!!! Sheesh
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2017): My wife does this too. In her case it is a sort of punishment for me for something she's mad about. She can only climax once or twice a month, so "spending" that scarce and precious thing without me hurts. For example, if my flight home is late, she take care of business bc she's mad. Then she says I'm trying to control her. Is this unhealthy behavior manifest in your husbands case?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2017): I think WuseOwlE in his highly masterful way of writing has given an excellent explanation of the male nature however I wish to add that problems in bed is just a part or consequence of amuch bigger problem in the whole marriage or relationship. It is an indication that that marriage or relationship is on the rocks .Love and emotions are not a water tap you can turn on and off whenever you wish. Only highly skilled actors can do that. In my opinion some of the things that put a relationship on the rocks and lead to estrangement in bed are:contineous arguments ,bickering, criticism, anger,dissatisfaction and belittlement of a partners abilities,achievements,work and limits and having very high expectations from the relationship. Another reason is hating partners family and passing contineous nasty remarks about his/her family despite them being thousands of miles away. Another reason not caring for ones looks and appearance especially after child birth, and letting weight gain to take control unchecked. Probably there are many more other reasons one can think of. A self criticism and probe is useful in this case. Also as a final addition to my dear WiseOwlE's post is that if it wasn't for what will the kids say,what will the financial consequences be, and what will friends think, probably 80 percent of todays marriages will end in divorce.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): I could t disagree more that men carry most of the pressure in the bedroom. Women, especially in these days of Internet porn are being held to ridiculous standards and expectations and this is something men will never understand and yes this is EXACTLY because the majority of porn is made for men , showing impossible looking women performing like sex crazed maniacs . Men will never get how women are feeling and to even compare men's egos to the huge effect this is having in women's sexual confidence and self esteem is almost sickening All men need a good education in what the hugely mysogynistic representation of women is doing to society and women and to stop even thinking they have a clue just because their egos are so fragile. They Albers to stop acting as though it's their god given right to degrade the other half of the population in order to build themselves up and make themselves feel better
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): I disagree with wiseowl. A females emotional needs are basically equivalent to a males sexual needs and if a female is expected to suppress such strong effects of the female hormone then a male should have control over his hormones as well. Double standard. There is no scientific research articles confirming that male humans are meant to sleep around and though it's female species that are built to carry their babies, many types of animals mate for life in monogamy. He sounds like he might be developing an addiction to porn, something that wasn't around in early human days (wiseowl). It's affecting his relationship, he's impatiently waiting for you to leave etc. He's not nurturing the relationship when he's caught up in it like that. Suggesting that this isn't an issue is like saying it's ok for you to wait for him to leave so that you can chat with a ton of other guys and get your overwhelming emotional needs met through accumulation of flattering jibber jabber. I don't buy it. We all age and our bodies fall apart. It's an inevitable and somewhat challenging part of life and it's always much better to have someone caring to go through it with. Welcome to 2017 where guys think their sexual performance is strongly enhanced in the bedroom when they have fifty porn stars on the mind and spend more time jacking off then actually hoping in bed and learning through real life experiences.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): I can see how this would bother you, but from a male perspective I have a few observations...Masturbation, for the most part, serves three purposes for men:1. If his sex life is not fulfilling, he may masturbate to fill that void.2. If his sex life is fulfilling, he may masturbate because let's face it, a satisfying sex life increases libido. I know there are times that I will have great sex with my girlfriend and if I find myself alone later I may masturbate just because I'm still aroused by the great sex we had earlier.3. As you noted, it's an outlet for stress (for both men and women).Your concern is with the first reason. So the question you have to ask yourself is whether his sex life is unfulfilling, and if so is there something you can do about it? And here's the deal: You can't just make yourself available for sex, or tell him you want to have sex, or nag him because you think you should be having more or better sex. If you're concerned about this, ask yourself if you're doing what you think will fulfill his sexual needs? It seems a lot of women (my ex-wife was this way) think that if they are just available for sex, that should be all a man wants. But like women, we want a little more than that for a fulfilling sex life. Most men in relationships aren't satisfied just to have a woman who says, in effect, "Here I am, do whatever it is you're going to do." Most men actually want their partner to care about their needs and put some effort into fulfilling those needs (and I think women are this way too).For example, it's not uncommon for my girlfriend to come to me unexpectedly (whether I'm laying in bed, or sitting on the couch, or even if she drops by my office during the day) and whisper, "I was thinking about getting down on my knees and feeling you get hard in my mouth, but then I was also thinking about getting on my knees and letting you have your way with me from behind. It's a tough decision, can you help me decide?" As you can imagine, that's a lot more arousing than if she were to just say, "You want to have sex?" How are you approaching the sex life you say isn't the best anymore?Finally, the stress outlet is a legitimate reason. And if that's what it is, then maybe instead of being offended about his masturbation, encourage it. The next time your're about to leave, ask him if you can help him relieve a little stress before you head out. Who knows, maybe you'll both feel a little bit better afterwards.
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A
female
reader, electrolyte +, writes (29 August 2017):
I had this issue with an ex. We were having sex regularly but he'd start the porn when I left in the morning.
Does he have any addictions/alcohol abuse problems? My ex did, and I think the two issues (addiction and porn) go hand in hand (pardon the pun). Long story short, I left him and his addiction issues, and never had the problem again with a boyfriend. It's not normal. Sure, all guys watch porn, but if you're there and willing...why does he need it?
The only thing I can think of that you can do (besides leaving b/c this is hurtful behavior) is making the sex more "porn like." Won't go into details...but you get the idea. If he still won't drop the porn, I'd drop him and find someone who appreciates you (in and out of the bedroom!)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2017): Masturbation can become addictive; even more so with the assistance of porn, which in itself can be addictive.
Once some men use it; it becomes their supplement (or alternative) to real-sex. Everyone these days seems to be drawn to immediate-gratification. Self-pleasuring has no demands, it's completely selfish. Orgasms are fast, without concern or responsibility of pleasing anybody else. You can please any fantasy or fetish. Videos provide everything!
Being in a long-term relationship or in marriage, we have our ups and downs. Sex is an activity that also has highs and lows. It rises, plateaus, and falls. That's how it goes.
News-flash ladies, it's not all about your self-esteem. Men have self-esteem too! Surprise!!! Sexual-performance defines his level of masculinity and the depth of his virility according to modern-society. Of course, as dictated by the media and a host of industries that make money off cultural perceptions of what we all should be; and what we should look like. Your self-esteem is not the tell-all or end-all to the human-existence and the center of all relationships!
The world does not revolve around how women feel about themselves! God made men too! We also have feelings! We hide emotions, it doesn't mean we don't have them. Society expects so much from us. We have to be strong, invulnerable, invincible, and make women feel perfect. I'm gay, but I still have to do all that. I was born with a penis. It's expected of me.
Men carry the most pressure in the bedroom; because we have to achieve and maintain an erection. By nature's design and what we've inherited from our primitive ancestors; men are wired to desire a variety of different sexual-partners. It is the male in the animal-kingdom that can go from one mate to the next, and not be hindered by nursing and nurturing the young. Only male-seahorses give birth to live young.
It's a primitive-behavior we should have evolved from once we learned that coupling is best for creating a family. Civilization has taught us to choose one mate, and form a monogamous bond. Although, in ancient times, wealthy and successful men of power had as many wives or concubines as they pleased. Women put an end to that nonsense. You shut it down!!!
Unfortunately, we get used to the same partner and the novelty wears off; and sex becomes predictable and routine. Many men resort to porn and masturbation as an alternative to outright cheating. It's an act of futility to make women understand the nature of men; so I will not even try. Like women, some things we do make no sense and defies logic.
Men are visual-creatures, and the attraction of porn is to appeal to the eye and voyeuristic-nature of men. It causes sexual-arousal based on fantasy, and it's a nifty tool that provides variety, visual-appeal, and immediate-gratification. Bottom-line, selfish-pleasure! Nothing can be more addictive! Or, convenient!
Men have very sensitive outdoor plumbing, and from a little boy, once we learn that sensitivity; we can't leave it alone. A penis seems to have a mind of its own. But we also have a larger brain and self-control. Unlike lower animals, we don't just submit to our primal-instincts and impulses. We control our behavior; because we are highly-evolved animals. Maybe women are more evolved, I don't know.
When your love-life starts to suffer, porn and masturbation alone aren't the problem. It's the general condition of the relationship. It is unrealistic to think the sex-drive will be consistent indefinitely. Sex-drive is unpredictable, vulnerable to health, unreliable, and deceptive. You can be horny, but not desire the person you love. Then you can be horny, and can't keep your hands off the person you love. The trick to a successful sex-life is knowing your partner, patience, and creativity. You simply wait, when they seem uninterested. I had to do it. I had a relationship lasting 28 years. I did not always want sex. I was insatiable in my 20's; but through our 30's, it plateaued with spikes.
Yes, a flabby body isn't as attractive as a toned-one. Nobody likes bad-breath or body-odor. Body-hair in weird places is unattractive to some people. As we age, we change and sex-drive declines for men towards middle-age; while it rises for women. Nature can be so mean!
I never got tired or bored with my partner. I just got familiar with his style of love-making. I knew what to expect. I had to be the one to be creative. I've faced the realities of life and aging. It worked most of the time, not every-time. The love was very strong; so affection was quite consistent. Touching, hugging, kissing, snuggling, hand-holding, doing sweet things for each other; and sharing unforgettable moments together. These things refueled our passion. We kept fit, ate healthy, and watched how we talked to each other during arguments and disagreements. He was a lawyer; so can you imagine?
Talk to him without picking a fight. Tell him how you feel about it. He's not going to completely stop. If it is becoming a problem in the bedroom, he has to refrain and regain sensitivity; and refocus his sexual-attraction to his partner. Not focus completely on himself. That will be hard to do. He has to reset his brain and regulate his sexual-behavior. That goes deep into the subconscious-mind.
You may even have to seek professional couples-counseling; because he will only hide, before he makes a conscious effort to stop. He has to know it has become that serious; and you also have to realize many factors in a relationship affect intimacy. Counseling will help you find what they are.
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