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He took part in a golf tournament with another woman because I'm not good enough! Now we cant stop rowing about this, what should I do?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (21 November 2011) 12 Answers - (Newest, 25 November 2011)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My husband and I both play golf. He has been a member for years and plays regularly, but I am a beginner and only get chance to play occasionally.

At the weekend the club were holding an Open Doubles Competition which he wanted to play in. All of his friends were busy that day so he didn't have a partner. He would have been happy for me to play with him but I didn't feel confidant or experienced enough to play in an Open Competition. So, without consulting me he arranged to play with one of the lady members from the club. This has really upset me, more than I feel it should, but I just can't help it. We have rowed terribly about it.

I think this once he could have missed the competition and spent the day with me encouraging me to play better golf.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (25 November 2011):

CindyCares agony auntI admit I must be coming from Mars too, because I don't understand what you are rowing about.

Your husband was OK with partnering with you, it was you that refused. Then, and only then, he looked for another partner to play with, and this partner happened to be a woman. What's so strange about this ?

Or, is he supposed to abstain from playing and competing until you feel confident enough to play with him ? For all we know, it may take years !

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011):

I don't understand "we can't stop rowing". You seem to think that these rows are just some weird thing that just happen for no accountable reason. Why not take responsibility for your own actions? You are starting fights. You are doing it. They don't just happen. You are doing it.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2011):

Oh Hun, big hug from me. I know your feelings were hurt BUT he did ask, and bec u felt insecure/unprepared he asked someone else. Yes he should have then told u that hes going to partner with another woman BUT u know the whole "men are from mars, women from...." Theory, this is one of them.

To hubby this was not a big deal: u didnt want to play so he got another partner. U on the other hand got emotional and now u have made a "smallish" incident into a nightmarish one.

I can understand that u may have been expecting him to sit this one out BUT was it realisitic of u. Dont think so. U knew his intention.

So instead of really blowing this out of proportion, cry a last cry (bec hey u are indeed hurt), blow your nose, wash your face, put on some lipstick And change the attitude , and go and make up.

Life is so damn short: this golf bust up can really kill your relationship. Dont let it.

Go kiss and make up Babes, u wont be sorry.

I have had hurt feelings and sometimes i have over reacted. After ive calmed down, i realise just how trivial my issues were........im sure u will also see the light one day.

LoveGirl

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A female reader, mammaboo United Kingdom +, writes (21 November 2011):

mammaboo agony auntYou have hit a raw nerve with yourself. perhaps this is the first time this has ever happened to you and your husband. Maybe it happened when things are not as good as they should be between you and it has disturbed your subconcious thinking about your relationship.

Some times it helps to really think these things through befor you react and say something that allows your husband to think accordingly. He will never opologise for his actions because to him they were ok. He would of not considered youre feelings because he doesn,t realise the extent of your relationship problems.

Just let him know that you would really love for him to teach you how to play better golf. Say sorry for your outburst and just tell him you want to work this out!

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (21 November 2011):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThis is a non-issue. Stop rowing and find other things to talk about.....

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 November 2011):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with the other answers, YOU were in the wrong. I don't think your husband expected you to be a pro all of a sudden but do do this with him, you turned him down and he asked someone else. I really don't see the problem, it's not like the lady is going to be his partner in golf from this day forth.

Let it go, wish him & the lady luck, go watch them and support the "team" - STOP being petty.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (21 November 2011):

Ciar agony auntThis is really very petty and silly.

You had the option to participate and would have been welcome but you made it clear you didn't want to. Your husband understandably took this to mean 'No, thanks'.

Presumably these competitions are not held on a weekly basis and you knew about this one ahead of time. Did you really need him to spend THAT particular day encouraging you to be a better golfer?

I may be wrong, but my guess is you're afraid that being a newcomer, you are holding your husband back and that given the choice he would prefer to replace you with someone else, someone better at it. If that is so, then this sulking and pouting will make that a self fulfilling prophecy. It isn't your lack of skill that will put a dark cloud over this hobby, it will be your hyper sensitivity and sullenness.

Did your husband know what he was getting into by including you in one of his favourite past times?

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States +, writes (21 November 2011):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYou are out of line. I'm sorry.. he ASKED you to play with him and you declined... he found someone else to play in the tourney with him... so what's the big deal???

you needed to say "i'm not ready to play in a tournament so could you skip it and practice with me instead?" if that's WHAT YOU WANTED.

was he a mind reader?

how was he to know that's what you wanted?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011):

i agree you should of gone along to the competition and cheered him on, this would of made ur hubby happy but also you could keep an eye on the other woman ;) dont let this experience distroy your married by fighting about it...just forget about it and move on

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (21 November 2011):

You said yourself you weren't confident to play. If you expressed that to him he may have viewed that as the green light to arrange someone else to play with him. I don't see the problem honestly, unless you believe there's something more going on (like cheating). But honestly, if you trust him, then this should not be an issue.

What I think happened here is a classic case of miscommunication. You secretly hoped he'd skip the competition to help teach you, and he probably thought you declining meant he had to find someone else. You getting angry at him over this would seem hypocritical from that POV, which is why you guys got in a row over it.

You have to keep in mind men cannot read our minds and that they are not particularly good at picking up hints. So when you want something or don't want something, be straight with him. That way you'll avoid stuff like this.

Also this is just my interpretation of the events you wrote up. Please correct me if I didn't get it right.

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A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (21 November 2011):

TELLULAH agony auntI think you are being slightly unreasonable! Ok he could have spent the day with you, but he is obviously a keen player. Is there any reason you couldnt go along and support him? Thats what I would have done! Keep an eye out and play the supportive wife.

XX

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011):

Hang on.

First off, I get fidelity includes such matters as presenting yourself as a unified, solid, loving couple in all things- I am one of those rare birds that GETS what FIDELITY and Family Loyalty means.

And I agree that he should have come to you first about this decision as most decision, especially involving fidelity/marriage, even something as 'innocent' as couples/team golf tournament- to make a decision. Or at least give you the fair chance to have say and feel good about it.

HOWEVER- he OFFERED it to You FIRST and you said no. You did not tell him THEN that since you said no, he can't ask another woman to be his partner. You did not tell him that you thought he should just pass this once and spend time with you.

I do think you are being unfair on that.

I think you should have swallowed your pride and went ahead and joined. You both could have had fun regardless, and spent time bonding doing something you know he enjoys.

That should be paramount over looking good to others and I know you love him and you wanted him to look good too but to complain about it, after the fact. Isn't 100% fair.

I think he should have asked another man or not have joined. Fidelity means not even publically being seen and get tongues wagging over something as small as golf tourny.

Thats me; I'm old fashioned when it comes to marriage, faithfulness, WE decisions.

Safe gaurding a marriage seems to be, sadly, a practice modern day couples haven't a clue about.

Overall, best to tell him how you feel, why but also, next time COMMUNICATE your needs better. Then you won't have hurt feelings and angery and resentment.

THEN FORGIVE YOUR HUSBAND. NEXT TIME, ACCEPT THE OFFER.

You are no victim in this matter as he Did his duty, and extended it to you FIRST. So you do matter a great deal to him. You declined. Golf is his thing, his past time, his thing that keeps him happy and to unfairly say, stay home instead of golf?? He was fair, you be fair. Just make it a rule that he cannot have a female partner OTHER THAN YOU next time around.

Peace and Happy Holidays.

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