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He told me about his past to try to seem "more desirable"

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Question - (12 December 2014) 11 Answers - (Newest, 13 December 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been seeing a guy for 5 weeks. He already tells me he thinks I am the one and that he is falling in love with me.

He has a female co worker who he sits next to. However after a drunken work party he came to visit me, he was drunk andstarted to show me photos of his work colleagues when he mentioned he'd slept with this work colleague two years ago. It was a drunken encounter and a one off.

I was very angry and upset and he left seeing how upset I was. He said he mentioned it because he thought he was making himself aound more desirable and sought after!

I know he has a past, I know he can't help who he works with but the way in which he told me casually and showing me the girls photo.

I don't know how to feel? Is my anger justified?

View related questions: co-worker, drunk

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (13 December 2014):

Honeypie agony auntEVERYTHING Ciar said.

I would NOT keep dating this man. He is not a keeper.

Having a ONS - OK .. can happen I suppose, but in your 30's and he got drunk and slept with a co-worker? Red flag.

He shows up DRUNK after a work party at your place? Red Flag.

He brags about someone he banged? Red Flag.

He claims that he LOVES you after less then 5 weeks? Red Flag.

I'd toss this one back in the "dating pond" and look for someone better suited for you.

Don't waste time being angry with him, JUST dump him.

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (13 December 2014):

Ciar agony auntI'm with the anonymous female below. A few red flags.

1. The speed with which he 'thinks' you're the one and how quickly he claims to be falling for you is suspicious. And coming from him I suspect the subtext is 'If you play your cards right, I might reward you with more of me'.

2. He has a female co-worker he sits next to. Big deal. So do millions of other people but he makes a point of making you aware of her so you'll see her as a possible threat and work harder to win his approval.

3. Then he shows up at your home drunk (and after only 5 weeks of dating). That always makes such a good impression on folks.

4. He shows you photos of the woman, who I assume is at least somewhat attractive, and announces he's already slept with her. And he's already made sure you know he sits next to her every day at work. See point #2.

You're more than justified in being unimpressed with the man, but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of seeing too much emotion here. His agenda was to trick you into wanting him more than he wants you so that he'd have the upper hand. Seeing how angry or upset you are just plays right into that plan.

Let this one go. Do yourself a favour and don't make a big production out of this. The best comeuppance you can give him is to just lose interest (or at least pretend to) and let him fall to the ground like a discarded gum wrapper.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2014):

Yeah it is. I see a few red flags already that if you're smart you'll let this one go, and fast. In fact, he gives off the exact same red flags my ex boyfriend did within the first month of dating. And this ex of mine made my life a living hell. I suspect, as do other friends of ours, that my ex is a sociopath. So red flag number 1. It is WAY too soon for him to be making these kind of allegations that you are his soul mate. It's not normal and it doesn't make sense. He is moving way too fast. My ex did the same. Sociopaths move fast so that you'll quickly become emotionally invested in them before you find out their true nature. They'll also drop you as quickly as they fell inlove with you. A normal person takes time to get to know a person before becoming emotionally invested. If it doesn't feel right, take it as a sign that it isn't. Red flag 2. He showed up at your house drunk? Really? A guy who is trying to impress you won't do this. He wouldn't want you to see him that way. This shows this guy has no shame. A major character flaw, typical of a sociopath. Red flag 3. He is bragging about his sexual exploits. This is highly characteristic of sociopaths. They brag about things that are obscene and inappropriate. They especially love to brag about their sexual exploits. Even to their girlfriends. Why? Because he engages in the same pattern of behavior with all the people he encounters. They just use people to get what they want. All his relationships serve the same purpsose to him, mere tools to gain something from, so nobody in his life gets special treatment.

When I was with my ex, I too would constantly be angered by similar issues, and rather than take a stance, I'd wish them away and stick around for more shocking revelations and for more abuse. I did this for two years. He ruined me. He turned me and my best friend against each other by triangulation. It's a way that a person that you trust creates mistrust between you and another trusted person. He would tell me that she constantly talks badly about me and that she hates me, while telling her the same thing about me. I lost another great friend due to the same thing. As if that wasn't bad enough, he was eliminating all of my social outlets meanwhile swooping in and taking them from me. He made my ex friends his own friends after I was out of the picture.

This guy really screwed with my life and my head to the point that I was legitly going crazy, completely lost my mind. I could go on and on and on...for days, years even of the horrors I endured with this guy. I don't want to see you go through what I went through because it is not pretty. I was in the depths of despair and it was so hard to climb out of it. I don't want to see you go through that. I KNOW and recognize sociopaths because I've been there. I recognize classic signs of it in this guy you are dating. These men create so much havoc and damage. Don't be stupid like me.

They will ruin your life. They take away from you the very things you cherish the most and feel most proud of. Be safe.

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A male reader, somewhere_between United Kingdom +, writes (12 December 2014):

somewhere_between agony auntHe`s been a bit stupid, and maybe a bit of a jerk, but it`s hardly a capital offence.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014):

Don`t give up because of it, but tell him he needs to grow up.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014):

I agree with Janniepeg. He sounds very silly, insecure and immature to me.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (12 December 2014):

chigirl agony auntHe was drunk and made a stupid mistake. Be angry enough to let him know you do NOT find him more attractive when he brags about women he slept with. But then let it pass, because I am quite sure he has now got the message and wont try this again. He just likes you and wanted to impress you, in a very wrong way. My guess is he's just really inexperienced and doesn't know women don't find bragging about this a turn on, because guys often brag to each other about this sort of stuff. So he probably naively thought it makes him "more of a man" to brag about it. Which just goes back to him probably not being that confident to begin with, since he thought this would be the way to go about impressing you.

He is just trying and failing in order to learn what works and don't work with women. You can either teach him, or ditch him and wait for "mr perfect" to come along, if you think he exists.

My advice is: let it pass.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (12 December 2014):

janniepeg agony auntFor a person to say you are the one and he is falling in love, it only has meaning when two of you are getting official and exclusive with each other. Otherwise he is just saying it in hopes that you will open up and sleep with him. You refer him as a guy you are seeing. I don't know about angry. It would definitely turn me off. Apparently the trick of showing photos of his ex lovers had been proven to make women jealous and it worked. I think it works for lonely women with low self esteem. And those women who are often targets for players. What you should do here is tell him, sorry, you are not "the one" for him because the one for him should be impressed about the picture.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (12 December 2014):

This is one of those grey areas where your anger is justified as long as you think it is.

It's not our job to tell you how to feel...

I would say that it was a stupid mistake on his part though.

You just have to ask yourself a couple of things. Do you want to date a guy who has drunken one night stands? Do you want to date a guy who feels the need to boost his stock in such an immature way?

It's up to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014):

You should not consider him a potential boyfriend.

-Red flag #1: 5 weeks and telling you he is falling in love and that you're "the one"?

-Red Flag #2: bragging about sleeping with someone he works with?

Sounds like a real keeper. There's already too many red flags to even consider dating this guy in my opinion. At least you found out how he is after only 5 weeks, instead of 5 years!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2014):

I think you are a combination things. Angry because what he said hurt you. Also kind of disgusted at his attitude about the whole thing.

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