A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear CupidWhy do people become abusive after being few years in a relationship. Is this abuser's fault? Or the fault of the person being abused?My bf of 3 years was good to me for 2 years but now has become so emotionally abusive.I cry myself to sleep everyday. My self esteem is super low nowadays.As he tells me everyday is it my fault that he became abusive. Please help
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female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 February 2013):
 1. Why do people become abusive after being few years in a relationship?
A: they were always abusive. you just didn't know it yet. abusers put their absolute best foot forward at first. sometimes it only takes a few months to show their true colors, and other times it takes years. but it was always there to begin with, you just didn't see it yet. and also, abusers more than likely were abused themselves when younger. women who were abused young tend to turn the pain inward, and thus, be attracted to men who abuse them in their adult years and perpetuate the pattern of abuse. and men who were abused tend to turn it outward and become the abusers, themselves.
2. Is this abuser's fault? Or the fault of the person being abused?
A: of course it's the abusers fault. it's never, under any circumstance, acceptable and okay to abuse another person; physically, emotionally, etc.
it is never the victims fault that they are being abused. they never "deserve it." that's just something that an abuser specializes in - manipulation. they prey and feed off of women who are somewhat meek and don't stand up for themselves. as i said earlier, often times it's women who were already victims in the past, so their self esteem is already low. and they manipulate them into thinking that if they had acted differently, or behaved in a certain manner, they never would have been this way to them. but the truth is that is not so.
it's easy to get caught up in the viscious cycle of abuse. it starts off with the person being overly sweet. you think you struck gold with how well they treat you. you fall for them and all of a sudden BAM! you don't know what hit you when they start talking down to you in such an ugly way. and you don't know what hit you when they have to know where you are at all times of the day and must keep tabs on you. your world becomes incredibly small and you feel like you're isolated and walking on eggshells CONSTANTLY to avoid a fight or outburst and to just keep the peace. this continues for a while until there is an eventual blowout. he will explode and with this, it tends to be physically violent (not always) towards the victim. at this point, the victim cries and says she can't stay and plans to leave, so the abuser goes back into charm-mode, and starts acting like the same person they met in the very beginning; showering with gifts and being charming. they swear they will never make you feel like that again. basically anything it takes to get you back. then once they know you're sucked back in, it slowly begins to come to a head again. and inevitably, it becomes another explosion, and the same cycle continues. it's awful.
the best thing i can tell you to do is take everything inside of you and just muster up the bravery and courage and just LEAVE. never look back. do you have a parent near by? or close friend? go stay with them for emotional support and safety. you'll need it. also, if you have the means, see if you can't get yourself into some counseling. because after an extended period of abuse, one's view of the world is skewed and your self confidence is gone. you'll need someone to help you get through it emotionally and work with you on your esteem issues. otherwise, it's possible you'll follow back down the same road of abuse.
there is always a way out. you just have to look for it. and just know you are NOT alone and you DO have a way out.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): He knows you love him far more than he loves you. This makes him feel guilty and angry. Right now, he is focusing this guilt and anger on you.He is being a nasty person because he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you and is too much of a coward to just break up with you himself.If you are crying yourself to sleep every night, it is time you take a stand for yourself and break up with him. Yes, you will still probably cry yourself to sleep, but time will help you heal once you leave this toxic relationship. Leaving the relationship is the only way to end this abuse and prove to yourself you do NOT accept this sort of treatment towards yourself.I am telling you this because I have been in an abusive relationship for 9 years. The only people who would take me in would be my parents--my home life there would be even more abusive. If you have somewhere safe to go, someone you can trust to help you, family or friends...please do it.You deserve to feel loved and be loved.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 I am going to agree with the other responders here: your boyfriend is manipulating you into believing it is your fault. That is part of the game plan by him: whether intentional or not, and by making you the perpetrator rather than the victim.
If you are crying yourself to sleep at night then there is clearly something wrong. That is not normal and that is NOT a happy, healthy relationship.
I know you have a lot of history and emotionally you are in love, but you really need to find the strength in your heart to leave. This relationship is NOT fixable. The fact that he isn't able to look at himself as the source of the problem leads me to believe that he isn't a good bet. I also suspect that the prior two years weren't as rosy as you would like to think as well. In addition, I would be curious to see how he has manipulated you into believing that you are the source of his emotional tirades. What exactly does he say and why do buy it?
In closing, if you know you have self-esteem problems, the first step to fixing it would be to get out of this relationship and seek help. Sure it will be painful but in the long run it will help you heal and allow you to find a boyfriend that will treat you the way you want to be treated. You are in the best years of your life -- don't let yourself be used poorly.
Feel free to reach out to someone here for support and help.
Eddie
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): We can't say OP, this is a question you should ask your friends and family, it's possible you're as bad as he is but don't think you are.
As for who's fault it is, it's 50/50 in my opinion. If a building is on fire and you refuse to leave to because you hope it will just die out on its own, who's fault is it if you get burned?
Is it your fault he's an abusive asshole to you? No, but it's partly your fault you're being abused because you haven't left the situation.
So take some personal responsibility for your own happiness and mental well being and walk away OP. End of story.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Not everyone becomes abusive... and it is NEVER the abused person's fault.
Adults are responsible for their own behavior.
IF he's abusing you it's HIS fault.
Do you want help to figure out an exit plan?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): This is not your fault. Don't allow anyone to treat you this way & don't remain in this type of relationship. This is a very unhealthy relationship that does a lot of damage as you are starting to see from your low self-esteem.
It usually progresses to physical abuse as well, please do yourself a favor & get him out of your life. Don't believe him when he says he'll change, because they don't.
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A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Yeah Im being told this too. I should believe that I suppose to be verbally emotional and physical abused as well as denied housing and other things do to control. Its a good thing I cant do better because of the constant oppression which enemies and demons tend to enjoy so much. Long as you put up with it means you like it I learned and its suppose to keep you in control also. Now Im a rough lesbian cause there not getting the responds then I'm not being Christ like either but An like my mom is Angela and she is 20 times meaner than me.
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A
female
reader, Pr3tty_in_pink86  +, writes (16 February 2013):
It ISN'T YOUR fault. That is manipulation, it is a common trait among abusers. I'd get out now.
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