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female
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*ynaMo
writes: I've been seeing my current boyfriend for 5 months. He's in his late thirties but hasn't had many girlfriends before me. We have a lovely time together, never argue, and have both been very happy until recently. Now he tells me he suffers from depression especially in the Winter (possibly SAD and he's looking into buying one of those lamps) but when he was last depressed he told me he feels guilty because although he's very happy with me and very fond of me and feels like a limb's missing when he's not with me and doesn't want to lose me, he feels like something is missing from our relationship and he's not 100% sure that he loves me. He says he wants to carry on seeing me but is not sure it's right given that he doesn't feel he loves me as much as I do him. What does this mean?
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female
reader, Toria +, writes (1 October 2006):
 I think what you've recently posted is a good idea, sometimes we need someone to walk away to realise how important they are to us and how we really feel about them.
Good luck :o)
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female
reader, DynaMo +, writes (30 September 2006):
DynaMo is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for your very positive response Toria. I have talked to him about seeing somebody and when he was feeling depressed he seemed very open to it.. Now he's feeling better he seems content to let things ride, but I will be more insistent if/when it happens again. I have decided that next time instead of getting hysterical and upset about the thought of us splitting up, however hard it is, I will tell him we need space of two weeks or even a month with no contact. I want him to realise how much he would miss me if I were not around, and by being so clingy and emotionally dependent, I have never given him the chance to see that.
Mo
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A
female
reader, Toria +, writes (30 September 2006):
Your right depression can affect people in so many different ways, I know a friend of mine that was depressed although she craved and needed the love and support of her boyfriend she did everything she possibly could to push him away and he was constantly hurt by this but stuck in there and now they are happily married with a baby on the way.
Depression is a long struggle and it brings up alot of things in the past you choose to forget bringing your moods up and down and pulling close ones into your life for the support and pushing them away again therefore causing the other person to feel like they don't know where they stand.
Is he seeing someone regarding his depression?
Toria :o)
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female
reader, DynaMo +, writes (29 September 2006):
DynaMo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFallenman you are a tonic.. yours is the best response I've had yet. Thank you! x
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A
male
reader, fallenman  +, writes (29 September 2006):
 Love is impossible to judge in percentage terms. Him may be judging is emotional reaction to you. Love is not a feeling or an emotion we can judge because love is a reciprical movement between two people. You can love more or less its either love or rejection at any given moment.
Emotional attachment is something else. It is based on trust, integrity and consistancy of care and friendship. It has links back to our childhood experiences and its their that we build our stereotypes of our prefered partner.
Depression can cloud judgement, dampen motivation and reduce the experience of happiness and enjoyment. In short he is probably not behaving rationally and its down to you if you can accept this or as you say end the sexual relationship and find another partner.
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female
reader, DynaMo +, writes (29 September 2006):
DynaMo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSomething else I should mention is that I found a website called ivillage.co.uk that has 10 ways to tell if a man is in love... Apparently if ANY of the 10 apply it's a sign he's in love and he scored about 8 out of 10. That's why I don't want to throw the towel in just yet. I know depression can make people confused about what they want and they don't know what it is that is making them unhappy and some times they push their loved ones away while they're depressed. Maybe I'm just making excuses for him, but it's also possible that what I'm saying is right so I don't want to give in just yet.
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A
female
reader, DynaMo +, writes (29 September 2006):
DynaMo is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Millar and and eyeswideopen. It is interesting to see the different perspectives of my problem given by a man and a woman. I guess I'm not ready to throw the towel in yet. I have decided to let it ride and see what happens, but eyeswideopen I have not closed down alternative avenues. I see other men friends for dinner etc. and although it's only my boyfriend I have a sexual relationship with at the moment, I may choose to shut down the sex with him and see him as the male friend and get closer to one of my other male friends if things develop in that way. Your responses were very helpful and I thank you for taking the time to answer.
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A
male
reader, Millar +, writes (29 September 2006):
read the book "he is just not that into me"? title some like along those lines.
Clearly he is not taking you seriously and what is most important is that a relationship/connection, must be bourne in mutual respect. I feel that he is clearly playing a game, almost peeping over his shoulder incase something better is out there, you need to cut and move on.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (29 September 2006):
 I guess it means you may want to give him some space, maybe agree to date other people as well as each other. Let the relationship have a little breathing room. Just sit back and see what develops.
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