A
female
age
36-40,
*onestarlady
writes:Hi! I’ve been married to my husband for 7 years now. Prior to him I had a couple long term relationships that ended on “good” terms, by that I mean it wasn’t a bad break up. Kinda like we knew it was done when it was done. Anyway:... I’ve never been the insecure type, jealousy was never my issues. I was always confident and comfortable just being me. Well, at the beginning of my relationship with my husband he pushed my buttons in a way they had never been pushed, EX: he flirts with all my female friends, at social functions he makes it a point to communicate with them even after I’ve asked him to join me, in the beginning he kissed one of his long time friends in front of me and etc. over the years it’s made me extremely uncomfortable, envious, jealous, angry and I’m just “not me” anymore. It’s truly made me feel lost within myself. Over the past few years I’ve noticed how different he is when other women are around. He plays the attentive loving father, he makes time to chat with others and not me even after being asked, he nurtures and babies our 3 kids and he makes it a point to be helpful and then mocks me when I say “thank you”or “why didn’t you ask me to help”. He gets this “f- you” attitude and a crappy tone. It’s belitt and embarrassing. I confronted him about his tone the last time it happens (as I usually do) and he got snarky so I lashed back with the attitude. Our friends and my husband told me to go back outside because it was peaceful before I arrived. I heard them juggle my name from afar but couldnt exactly make out the conversation. I have a strong IDGAF attitude and I’m ok with whatever their opinions are about me, however I’m not ok with my husband being involved in that conversation. He’s specifically asked me to keep our issues to myself and I respectfully have. Until now. What do I do? I’m 8 years, 3 kids, 1 home and a fur baby into this and I’ve been through more than you’d imagine. He’s not confrontational, when he’s mad at me he ignores me with this cocky attitude and is just plain rude. I’m ready to be done and call it quits. Am I going crazy for feeling that way! More details can be given as needed but at this point I’d really like to know- what makes all these women so much more appealing to him. Why am I not good enough....
View related questions:
flirt, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 August 2018):
 If from the very start he went out off his way to flirt with all your friends and kiss his friend in front off you why on earth did you end up getting married to him? It appears this is who he has been throughout the whole relationship, so did you think it was going to change after marriage and kids? The moment he kissed someone else I would have said bye and never looked back! He has no respect for you since the beginning.
Is he a good father when other people are not around? I guess he is good at playing games. Mocking you is a way to get in to your head and push your buttons. He knows you well at this stage and he knows how to get a reaction. It doesn't sound like he is a loving husband at all. Sulking like a baby is because he knows this will give him peace and quiet. He knows rightly what he is doing.
Arguing in front off friends is never a good idea. Off course you are going to come across as the bad one, as you are the one that has an attitude, and to anybody looking in on the marriage it appears you are the one always giving him a hard time and he is the one left feeling sad and being the victim. You really do need to try and change your attitude, because it is not a good one to have around friends and your children.
I agree with him that your issues should be kept between the both off you behind closed doors. It is embarrassing airing your dirty laundry in public and makes everyone feel uncomfortable.
I cannot tell you what to do, but I think you both need to work hard on this if you are going to save the marriage. You both have issues that you need to work on. Forget about the children home and pet, if it is not working out you can both still be good parents apart.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2018): What I have to wonder is how did it get so far for you to marry him when by your own admission he was pushing your buttons from the start?I am going to hazard a guess you liked the fact he was different to the others, a bad boy? a challenge maybe?Something got you as far as to get married and to have babies with him and I think despite what you have wrote you do love him, because lets be honest here no relationship is ever the same as another you have had. It is great you had previous ones where you parted amicably, that will be because the feelings fizzled out, but with him there is a different level and I don't think you can cope with what you took on.The only thing you can do in my opinion is when things are okay (and make that soon) you sit down with him and say how you feel, but when I say that I don't mean finger point and blame just be honest and say 'I feel' and be an adult, look up Counselling and how people behave being an adult, child or parent, it will make sense. I will say now your relationship dynamic is you act the child and he acts the parent. If YOU stay in the adult and say 'I feel' then he will eventually respond to you as an adult IF you remain acting and reacting as an adult (just read it up and it will make sense).We are all second guessing his feelings and motives and of course from what you have wrote it would seem he is in the wrong but when you sit down be prepared and allow him to say how he feels as well, it takes two to communicate and for problems to arise. If it can't be done this way then the next step would be counselling.You are both caught up in games and ill feeling and yes unless you can both work at it and resolve it chances are it will get worse, so I guess it all depends on how much you both want to work it out.Best of luck and keep us informed x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2018): I think he's playing you and getting his thrills from mistreating you and using his passive aggressiveness as a weapon to hurt you. He sounds like a cold, evil and weak excuse of a man. I say weak cause only the weak hurt others. I say win this game. Tell him it's over. He will no longer have a hold on you. And you will then have the very last laugh.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2018): I would do as honey pie suggests but o would also chat with others including men .. and if they flirt so what .. I would also make sure I looked good . So get some hair treatment. Buy a new dress and don't give a monkey ass what he is up to. Just keep your tone down and smile and shake your head when he's being an ass.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 August 2018):
 Honestly?
I think he is done being married to you but he doesn't WANT to be the one to break things up, so he pushes ALL your buttons and YOU come out looking like the "nutter".
Personally? I think you doing YOURSELF a disservice by "confronting him at social gatherings. Seriously, your domestic issues shouldn't be aired out in public. He KNOWS those social rules, you... ignore them. And that is HOW he plays the game.
Basically, he provokes you in his passive-aggressive manner and just WATCH you blow up and make a fool of yourself. People might not notice HIS actions because he is subtle, but they DO notice yours because they are NOT.
I think you have to decide if this is even salvageable.
Also when you are out in social situations WHY do YOU not chat to other people? You can talk with your husband at home! SOCIALIZE and IGNORE him. That way he can not alienate you from your group of friends (which is... by the way... what he is doing).
Watch him and see if you can "pinpoint" his game. And then STOP doing what you normally do.
If he is SUPER attentive and helpful with the kids when out and about, THAT should be YOUR cue to walk away and socialize with other people! He has the kids well in hand! (right?!) While he MIGHT do it to score brownie points with other women, who CARES?
While I can imagine it's hard that he is being flirty and attentive to other women in front of you, I would PRETEND that you don't mind at all and then YOU remove yourself from the area and go talk to other people (and no, I don't mean go flirt with men... that would be sad) but simply SHOW him that he doesn't HAVE that power over you.
And again, YOU have to decide if this (as it is) is fixable. Do you think he WANTS to fix the marriage? Or do you think he enjoys all these little mind-fuck games he is playing with you more?
You say he IGNORES you when he is mad. Maybe because he knows that getting into a fight/argument will get him nowhere OR he knows JUST how much the "silent treatment" angers you and affect you.
And what you MIGHT want to consider is that if you DO nothing... nothing will change.
These other women aren't more appealing than you, they are JUST NOT YOU.
My guess is;
your sex-life is non-existent?
You don't have date nights just the hubby and you?
You don't plan family outings for all 5 of you? To create fun memories and events for you, him and the kids?
I think you need to have a sit down and talk (after the kids are in bed). And figure out what happened to the marriage, where to go from here and HOW to go about that.
Would marriage counseling help? I don't know. I think your short fuse and his manipulation skills might only convince a counselor that YOU are in the wrong.. but.. it might be worth a try.
...............................
|
