A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so here is my situation. I am 26 and my husband is 30. I have been married for 8 months. In the beginning of our relationship my husband had problems *performing*. I just gave him love and support and tried to let him know that I loved him no matter what and tried not to put any pressure on him, in the bedroom. Well, sex absolutely tappered off and stopped. There have been a lot of excuses on his part such as he's tired from work, sick, stressed, etc. Ok fine, so I tried to spice things up with everything I could think of, heels, nylons, sexy lingerie, you name it I've done it. Didn't help. Not only did the sex stop, but there is no affection towards me. In the beginning we cuddled in bed and fell asleep that way, we held hands, he'd kiss me first thing in the morning, before/after work, before bed, tell me he loved me and just kiss me randomly throughout the day, etc. Now there is nothing. If I tell him that I love him he says "why do you have to say that ALL the time!?!?"(when it could be the 1st time i've said it in days) If I try to kiss him he actually TURNS his head so that it hits his forehead or cheek! I can't initiate sex with him cuz he'll get up and leave the room! And/or say "we don't need to do THAT now, we're married!" Today, he tells me that he doesn't like sex and doesn't need sex and hates kissing! I asked him what he wants out of this marriage and he says, "Well, I love you and you love me, isn't that all that matters?" So I said what about babies? (I have been going to the fertility Dr. for about 4 months) He says "Why don't we do artificial insemination?" I said you can't even have sex with your WIFE to have a baby? He responded "No." End of discussion.So he wants to have a celibate marriage. I don't know if I can do that. I LOVE him very, very much but, there are things that I want in life. Like children and a marriage with intimacy. I don't know what to do. He REFUSES to go to counseling. He has said before that if I find him difficult to live with then we should divorce. I really want to save my marriage. What can I do? How can I cope with this? Anyone ever been thru this or anything like it? Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): Hi, I also have had problems with my husband not wanting sex, and he is definitely not gay. I feel so sad you are married to someone that doesn't want to be affectionate towards you, that is SO important in a relationship. I would make sure he had a good physical so that he can be screened for depression (which can inhibit your sex drive). Remember the problem is not with you it is his problem, and no matter how you dress up, etc, it will not affect him the way you want it to. You are going to have to try to get him to go to a marriage counselor if you really want to save your marriage, maybe someone who is qualified to discuss these things can get to the bottom of his lack of desire. I think the turning the face thing when you try to kiss him is a pretty clear signal he is NOT wanting intimacy with you. He is blocking his feelings and that's unfair to you. If you can't get him to open up and give you back what you are giving him, then without help this marriage is doomed. I only say this because once we started seeing a good counselor, our relationship got back on track. Good luck. In this day and age gay men do not marry straight woman just for a cover, so stop worrying about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009): There is only one other possibility that I can think of that hasn't been mentioned yet.... does he have a porn addiction? Men that have a full-blown porn addiction loose interest in sex with their real-life women even though they do truly love them and want to be with them. As far as the affection, he may be pulling back because he is afraid that any affection will lead to him getting pressured to have sex.
Only he can answer your questions, but if he is unwilling to work with you, he leaves you no choice but to leave him. Whatever you do....DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN UNLESS YOU CAN RESOLVE THIS.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): his addictions borders on obsession. he does have strange fetish's regarding feet. looking up girls shirts. OH NO! run, run, run as fast as your legs can carry you. heading for all time disaster here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): You bail on him. He's not into you AT ALL and is a pervert for looking up women's skirts. Too weird. Something is stewing in his head and it is not about you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am pretty sure that he is not gay. I have thought this before myself and we have discussed whether or not he is on many occasions. He says that he is not. As far as the affair theory goes, I am positive that he doesn't have anyone else on the side. He has actually said that he has no energy for cheating and that he could never be with 2 girls at once. He works at a nursing home and I have several friends who work there with him and they say that nothing happens there. Now the porn addiction may be more what is going on. I do know that he has weird things that turn him on. Ok maybe that isn't fair to say that it's weird, but i've never heard of what he likes. He is obsessed with girls feet, more specifically, you know when your sitting down and you cross your legs then start jiggling your foot? Well that drives him crazy. Or when you slide your feet in and out of your shoes cuz your bored? That has the same effect on him. He has watched videos of that on youtube.I also know that when he was single he would go to public places and look up girls skirts. Literally look up a strangers skirt! He talks about how sexy it is that you don't know what is up a girls skirt, i.e., what kind of panties, nylons, etc., and will drive him crazy until he has to look. I just thought that this was harmless behavior, but now that I think about it, maybe it is more of an addiction thing. But if it is an addiction he would need counseling, which he refuses to get. So then what do I do?
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A
female
reader, chloebabeechick +, writes (1 September 2009):
 Perhaps he is gay. Perhaps he has psychological problems. In any case, this is a marriage not just devoid of sex but intimacy period. I have never heard of such an extreme example. He won't even let you kiss him on the mouth????
In any case, this isn't much of a marriage, and since he refuses to do anything about it, it's a forgone matter. You need to file for divorce. I don't know in god's name why you'd be trying to get pregnant by someone who is clearly repulsed by the idea of being intimate with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): There is only one other possibility that I can think of that hasn't been mentioned yet.... does he have a porn addiction? Men that have a full-blown porn addiction loose interest in sex with their real-life women even though they do truly love them and want to be with them. As far as the affection, he may be pulling back because he is afraid that any affection will lead to him getting pressured to have sex.Only he can answer your questions, but if he is unwilling to work with you, he leaves you no choice but to leave him. Whatever you do....DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN UNLESS YOU CAN RESOLVE THIS.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (1 September 2009):
 The anonymous aunt is right on the money, I'm also betting he's gay. A marriage with no intimacy is not a marriage. Get out before you complicate things with a turkey baster child. You've only wasted 8 months, don't waste anymore time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): perhaps he is GAY. if he wants NO intimacy then either he is getting it elsewhere or he is gay.
don't be too sure about not having an affair. lots of people get it on in the office environment.
if he cannot even bare for you to hold him, kiss him and so forth, means that he is just not interested. no matter what you do he will not initiate anything with you.
you need to seriously think of NOT having a baby. don't know how you would manage it in any event.
i am betting that he is gay:
your hb is hiding the real reason he wants nothing sexual from you. and he is talking bull about loving you. Girl he is just using you as a shield. he is pretending, in this marriage, so that he doesn't have to come out.
you are letting this man steal your life. you may love him but a person in love would not make you slowly go mad with his behaviour. this man is doing exactly that. you need to re look at your life critically. if you can manage not to have a real marriage then you can stay as is. but if you want a MAN to love you, make a home with you and have a baby with you ( not to mention enjoy making this baby with you) then you need to move on. before it is too late.
good luck. you will not be the first woman in a marriage as a front.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to add that I know that he isn't having an affair. We have one car and I drive him to and from work. We also only have 1 cell phone which I keep in my purse(for emergencies). And he never goes anywhere alone, except to work.
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