A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Last week, I finally had a first date with a man that I felt I had a lot of potential with. We had "matched" on that hot app over a month ago. While he immediately asked me if I would be interested in having drinks with him on our first chat, he gave me his number on our second chat, but it took me to say to him, "I would like to get to know you in person" after several texting spells, for him to ask him when I was free, with a time and location in place. What attracted me to him, is that he is successful in his career, polite, tall and attractive, has varied hobbies, and is extremely family oriented. This is different from the men I am used to dating, I usually fall for the alpha male, charming, witty, model good looks, attached with successful careers, which mean that they were also very aggressive, confident, and assertive. Clearly, as I am here, I have not had a successful relationship with that type, so I am eager to explore this new option. What I am used to, is someone who is eager to see me, and usually by now, they are in love with me in some capacity, which I have realized, does not equate to real love of any sort but infatuation. But it at least moves! This guy, after our first date, on Wednesday, we hugged and kissed on the cheek, I texted him when I got home to thank him for a nice time, and joke to say I hope we get good karma (from returning the wallet that we found on the street, the man came by the bar and bought us a few drinks). He said he had fun and said we should get together again soon, and I said sure! let me know when. Saturday night, we were both out, and I asked him to come to my party, and he asked me to go to his, nothing happened. Sunday, he texted me to say he wish we could have met up, and we should get together soon, I said you are so busy, let me know when! Monday was his birthday, he spent it at home recouping from the weekend, he said he isn't big on birthdays, I would have invited him to dinner but it was a dreary night and he said he was sore, after partying, and playing a full day of soccer. Tuesday we were texting, and i commented about how the weather is getting cold and all I want to do is eat and nest, and he said, "watch tv on the couch and eat pizza", and I coyly asked "is this what we're doing?" and he said "yes! if you are up for it!" and i said "can we have thai instead?" to which he said "absolutely" and I joked that I invited myself over, and conversation went somewhere else, then I finally said "when are you inviting me over?" and he responded with "hopefully soon ; )"OKAY what is with all this SOON business.He hasn't said he is busy, but I know he is a busy guy, plays 3 different sports so that's 3 nights a week, and he just celebrated his birthday so I'm guessing maybe he has dinners with people, that's how I am when I have a birthday. Is this normal speed? When he set up our first date, there were 5 days in between the set up, and the actual date, he didn't text me, and I didn't text him, I let him text me the morning of the date to confirm with me that we were still meeting. So I guess this is his style? Slow. Is this normal? I guess I am used to faster pace with men, and I feel if a man is interested in me, he will want to see me, because, hey! I'm pretty desirable, and the fact he keeps saying soon, though he does not appear to be a player type, I don't know what this means. Is this normal dating?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHAHA for no other reason that my amusement - we had our second date a month later. haha.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2014): APPLAUSE!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust an update.I finally heard from the fool yesterday.I had deleted him from everything, I guess he realized that. He texted me to say that he was trying, but he is so busy all week, and asked how my week was.I was giving him all my time, I wasn't trying to meet other people, but now I have 5 guys interested so, back of the line fella.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2014): Continued silence puts a new spin on things!
Well, his loss! Now you go silent, and start checking out your other options. I wouldn't take him seriously from this point on. You've got better things to do with your time.
Like I said in my previous post, know when to fold 'em! It would have crossed my mind, why couldn't he invite a date to his dad's birthday party? Unless maybe he already had one. I really love my dad, but I would have found a good excuse to getaway; if I had a hot guy waiting for me. That's just me!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAh - yes your date had the courtesy to explain why he was so busy. Mine is mute. MUTE!
Yes - i went the same route as you, to ask him to call when he was free. and that call didn't come. And he is still busy. I can't imagine he is holed up, I mean as someone in publicity business, his phone is his life.
Well, an update on this stagnated saga... I did text him last night to say, "do i get to see you again?" and he immediately responds with "of course, i'm at my dad's birthday party/dinner tonight, but would you like to get drinks afterwards?" and I said yes. because I want to see him!!!! there was a bit of flirting, him commenting that he wanted to see me in the dress I wore out last saturday, I said, if he had wanted to see me in it, he should have came and found me, and said unfortunately his hands were tied, and I said, if that's how you like it... and so forth, just playful flirting. lol.
ANYWAY! He told me he would keep me posted, and wouldn't you know it, he apologizes to me later because his dad's party isn't ending anytime soon, and asked if we could reschedule. My expectations are so low at this point, that I half expected this, I teased, that he likes to make me wait (though I don't know how this translates through text), and said, if he can give me a date, time and place then. To which i have received no response as of yet.
lol.
This is too many excuses yes?
I love that you said kick his david beckham wannabe ass to the curb lol, because that's exactly what he's going for! lol. I honestly did not think he was arrogant, I truly thought he was a nice guy, which is why I was really motivated to hunt this one down. He was so quick to respond to me, but now he can't commit to an actual date! I suppose his continued silence will speak the most!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2014): My date pretty much asked if we could go out "sometime;" but explained that he had some construction projects to lay patios; and had to landscape some properties. I told him at the time, I myself was already scheduled for some boring conferences; and honestly, I couldn't figure out when we could get together. So we compared calendars.
He said he'd get back to me when his projects were completed; because sometimes there are time over-runs and things happen. Our timing was shot. So I told him just call when he had the time. I didn't get a call for the first week; nor did I try to call him. I was out of town and glad he didn't call.
I went out with my colleagues for dinner and drinks. Worked, and hit the bed as soon as I got back to the hotel. We were up at 5:00 am, and had spokesman and presentations until 5:00 pm. Breaking only for lunch and brief mingles.
I could see people texting their spouses and significant others under. They lowered the lights for projections; so phone screen lights could be seen!!! One CEO suggested to people "wait until breaks, his time is valuable. If we had better things to do, he'd be happy to relieve of us of any further intrusion!!! Yes, he did! Just as he said that, a stupid ringtone went off! I'm soooo glad that wasn't me! Soooooooo glad! I turned off both vibrate and ringtone! I need this job! We didn't need laptops or tablets; when his almighty dictatorship suggested we leave them under our seats until he asked us to bring them out. We were cutoff from the outside world. I know that was killing the younger folks! All eyes were on the giant flat-screen, or the corporate kings and queens. No incoming or outgoing communications for the rest of us. I didn't have a choice.
You should have seen the frantic thumbs during breaks, phone in one hand at the urinal, and your junk in the other! What if my date wanted to chitchat?
You decide what you feel is adequate time for a guy to follow-up. I needed time to clear my calendar of professional commitments, and some prescheduled personal things. You guy has a life, and if he wants a good-looking woman in it; unless he's gay too? He'll open up his schedule. Pursue, then be pursued. Courtship goes two-ways.
Everyone likes to text message. You could initiate contact with a phone-call. Ask him what days he has free over the next two weeks. If he comes up with that "soon" BS, ask him if you're presuming on his heavy schedule? Put him on the defensive. He doesn't care about putting you on hold. If he's trying to date two or three females at a time, don't let him hold you back. You've got better things to do.
He'll get the point. This will give him the opportunity to give you the brush-off; or he will let you take the lead.
Remember, some guys have to figure out how to impress you on a date. He may not be that creative. Find out his favorite restaurants. Ask if you can watch him play soccer.
Too many excuses? That means it's time to excuse him, once and for all. Got it?
It is not presumptuous to tell a guy if you're feeling he may not have time for dating; and you should. Your time is as valuable as his. You may like him a lot; but if he's acting like you have to make an appointment for date?
Kick his David Beckham wannabee ass to the curb!
A lady has to maintain some dignity in the dating world. You did meet on an app, and you know how arrogant people get when they think they have plenty of choices and options. (Oops, we[re the exception!) Well, you're one of a kind; and he just may not luck upon someone like you for a while. Learn when to fold 'em! We sometimes have to throw back even a big one. Pun intended!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOH - WiseOwlE. I really appreciate and value all of your comments and options.
I guess when one has been patiently waiting for something good to come on, you just can't help but get really excited for things to move along. It would be nice to know if he was attracted to me as well. So far he is just polite.
So what is laid back. You still keep in contact? Or do you just contact to set a date? It's funny, I go through different trends. For a while I detested meaningless texts, I prefer to get to know someone in person. I would be very disappointed in him if this was a slow fade, and he had politely led me along with his insincere desires to see me again. "Hot for the goodies just to please the woodies." lol. you are so sassy.
Were you keeping in contact regularly with the guy you are now dating, before the date? I'm pretty sure I left the ball in his court, so I really don't want to be contacting him again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2014): Successful people have full schedules. I don't have to tell you or anyone else that. We have to set priorities; and if you always come-up as an after-thought, I think you're smart enough to know if that's happening.
It hasn't been that long since you have been seeing each other, and that was what I based my opinion and advice on. You're used to men who are more aggressive and hot in pursuit. This is a guy who has a more lay-back approach; and that means he's not strictly about the panties. It's not what you've grown accustomed too. Different isn't always bad. You do have to pursue non-aggressively at some point in the courtship, to see if the other side is just playing you along. Or if they just want your junk. Guys get played too!
I'm lay-back too, and I would hope it is not misconstrued as to being lackadaisical or disinterested. Just confident that no one's getting away. If they're in too much of a hurry, okay. I would respect that. I will not be rushed.
If he is moving at a snail's pace, and you're irritated by that; I would assume you'd shrug him off and move on. At least that is how I read you in your posts. Like I said, you know how to let a guy know you're not playing games.
Courtship is a ritual. Most people want immediate gratification. But sorry, just because a guy comes rushing at you with both guns a-blazing doesn't meant he's all that interested in you. He may be more interested in sex. Hot for the goodies just to please the woodies.
You're both adults, I don't see evidence of any games. Just that he is different from other guys you've described. If you like someone, you do want to see them. Provided you both don't have conflicting commitments and heavy schedules. That's all I meant.
I'm dating someone right now. It took three and a half weeks before we could actually match our schedules to date. He had some projects he had to work late into the night, and these were scheduled prior to meeting each other earlier this spring. I was patient, as I had two out of town meetings. I also had been given a ticket by some friends to a play, and a wedding rehearsal for friends. We finally met up and we've been doing great ever since.
I take a laptop or tablet everywhere, and he doesn't. I'm more organized, but he is refreshingly patient and understanding. Hot too! No, I don't answer phones, type, or text during dates. I'm too polite and old-fashioned for that. Whirlwind romances and moving too quickly is no indication of how much someone really likes you. It only means they're in a hurry. I'm deliberate. I answer posts with thought and feeling. Not just a blurb.
I usually try to place myself into an OP's situation and I give both sides consideration. Ultimately, it is your own judgment and your call as to what you're willing to accept. Thanks for allowing me to offer my opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh! i was just joking cus he said "just my stupid-male opinion."Oh Eric-noy.I said the guys I date happen to be very successful, the full package, but then i said they also turn out to be sociopaths lol. The Saturday night, I just looked really good so I wanted him to see me LOL. He was out and he gave me his location, and I told him where I was, and he said "oh I might be heading there!" I mean he threw that out there, so I told him to find me. I was at a paid for event, and he was at a club, I wasn't going to leave my friends, and since he said he was heading my way, if he was in the area, would have been nice to see each other, that's all. Yeah - it was his birthday. BUT it was also, our second meet! Not a relationship! I don't want to impose on someone so early, you know? I was being respectful of his space, that's why i asked him what he was doing, if he said nothing, then I would ask him for dinner, but he said he was exhausted and his body was sore, and he needed to rest, so i respected that. I'm a designer, so not of the corporate world, and on our first date I joked about making him something, because I also design for sports franchises, and ended up making him a custom team shirt, IF HE WOULD ONLY COME AND COLLECT IT.I actually don't know why you're being so passive aggressive. I'm just telling the truth. I'm smart, funny, attractive, and I'm a good person, so I attract a lot of people, and I like to pick out the successful good looking ones, (who then turn out to be crazy, my bad) so I'm not sure what's wrong with that. I thought this one was different.CindyCaresIt's been a week and a half since our date, not 3 weeks lol. I haven't done anything differently, or that I wouldn't normally do. I act how I feel with the man. And I really liked him, I do think he is special. I mean he set his own schedule and it is not conducive to dating, or so I tell myself. He could have met someone else, who knows, but I've let him know I am interested enough times, he can make a move if he chooses too, I don't have time for this.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 September 2014):
 Wise OwlE is never stupid but ...he is always male, and he thinks like a male.
So I'll counter his stupid male thought with my female thought. Maybe it's an Alpha female thought ( yeah I suspect that I may be a bit of an Alpha female - and that Chigirl is too :). Or, maybe it is just a dumb-female thought. Anyway : it goes like this.
No don't wait ( too much ). Don't fish, don't be coy, don't play his game. If he wants to play it cool, he can add hockey on ice to his sports; if he wants to be cagey, he can date a zookeeper.
Life is short, and by your age hopefully you have no time to waste in strategies and tacticts to " win him over ", and no taste for this kind of stuff. Life is easy and dating is easy IF two people are equally attracted to each other ( like Chigirl mentions ). They only have to say what they mean and mean what they say.
He might be " somewhat " interested . But somewhat is not good enough. You want someone who is keen. Who is eager. Who is curious to know you better, to find out about you, what makes you tick, who you really are, same as you are about him and more.
Come on, a date in 3 weeks ? And the next, "hopefully soon " ( and in any case, not sooner than other 3 weeks since for the next 2 he'll be busy with family ). That's not SLOW, that's the back burner.
Personally to me " taking it slow " - not a bad idea per se - means something different, totally different. It means , for instance, to have enough self restraint to not bring sex into the picture too soon- before you are sure you are compatible under other aspects. It means, not to come out with extravagant promises and love declarations early on ( as, alas, your other guys always did ), because what sizzles,then fizzles. It means not to be in a rush to introduce you to parents / children or even roomates and colleagues too soon, before you are sure you are going to be an item, because that 's just showing you off and winking to your friends " look what I bagged ", not creating intimacy.
All in all, going slow on an emotional level is fine and prudent. But, going slow in terms of time , and finding , or making, occasions to see you and spent time with you in person, and know you more ?.... then , he is just not curious or interested ENOUGH. He is just not that into you.
Now, you want someone special and maybe your guts tell you that he IS special so you can put up with his vagueness and feet dragging. Who knows, ... this is not mathematics after all ! I may be wrong, WiseOwlE may be wrong, go figure. But, speaking in general... no, he won't be that special and you know why ? because you can find dozens, a hundred of other guys at this level of " interestedness ". It's a vague , " social " interestedness. It's not about you and feeling a specific, strong attraction to YOU.
It's not a matter of being spoiled or conceited, it's just that, if you have positive qualities, people will tend to notice, so it's not strange that most would notice a quality woman.
I am not saying that this guy should cry tears of gratitude for having found you, but he should be motivated enough to make SOME time for you , to be somewhat more proactive IF he likes you.
I think he is doing the male equivalent of the " let's do lunch together one of these days ".
It's a typical ritual of the Upper East Side ladies in Manhattan. They bump into each other at Bloomingdale's, nwah mwah, air kiss-air kiss, " let's do lunch ". If you say " Sure. Tuesday good for you ? " the other will say " I'd have to check my calendar". " Then check it - you have one in your purse don't you ? " " Oh... uh... running late.. I'll call you ".
Rinse and repeat, ad libitum .
Because the point is, that the whole idea is not to actually have lunch together soon, which is ininfluent . The idea is to somehow reinforce and confirm and allegiance, reassure that you are on each other guest's list for a party, or that they can count on you - and viceversa- for donations to their childen's school or favourite charities, that you can consult each other if you need a new maid or a real estate agent. That you are still in speaking terms and in each other's good graces ,basically.
Similarly, your guy is keeping you in the loop, is telling you that you are " still on ". When ? According necessity. In a pinch. When he has done with some other date ( my favourite theory ), or when he is tired of his usual sports and activities, ot anyway when he has exhausted his loooong list of priorities.
That's not REALLY being interested . That's aknowledging that just in case, you aren't half bad, and could do , probably would be good enough- in small doses.
Not an insult or a slur- but not even something to jump for joy or to get all excited about. It does not sound to me as if " the one " , or just, " a good one " , would feel like this about you.
It's up to you of course . If you have the patience to play this staring context with him, to match coldness with coldness, standoffishness with stanndoffishness, and see who makes the other look down first and wins- you can do that. If you are a competitive type, maybe it will be fun for you. As for me, I am more a " P...s or get off the pot " type of person, so I'd still recommend the Chigirl method of sussing out which is which.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlol.WiseOwlE. thanks for your response from the stupid male point of view. lol.Am I a little conceited? Probably! I just know I'm a really good catch, physically, mentally, emotionally, and it takes a lot for me to be interested, I don't date around for attention, I want to get to know someone and build a relationship! I've learned from experience, that the fast paced relationships do not work out, I don't want to be with a man who falls in love with the "idea" of me. I've gone out with a lot of top not guys who end up being sociopaths or missing some nuts and bolts lol... and what do they have in common, they've told me they loved me under a month of dating. Where are they now! He may not be that into me? How dare he! lol. But to be honest, I am so intrigued, and here I am, doing the chasing, which I never do. But I don't chase too hard. He has called me a tease when I was out at the party on Saturday and told him to find me. But I'm not a tease! He just needs to come and get me lol. I'm very impatient, because I have so much to offer someone, and I refuse to give it to just anyone, and also because I am used to a faster pace, and the word "soon", "let's see each other again soon" does NOTHING for me. It was hard enough to pin him down for a time and place to begin with, that was settled the morning of the "meet"... I will wait, I will fish, I don't want to scare him away...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to say - that the first date took forever to set up lol. and that when I do message him, he replies very promptly. He is polite in that regard. He's not smooth, he said he's not dating other people, I mean he told me he is taking 2 weeks off to show his visiting family around town, renting a van and driving around towns. Most weekends when we text, he is at some family function, cooking with his family and cousins, friends BBQ, bday parties, weddings... HE IS SO SLOW!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): Whoa ladies! Just because the guy isn't tearing down your door and blowing up your phone does not mean he isn't interested.
If a man moves slow, then slow your own pace. Treat this guy just as nonchalantly as he's treating you.
Yes he may be seeing other women, and yes it is possible that he is not that interested in you. I do believe you're a bit conceited, and used to men just throwing themselves at you. My good lady, you've met your challenge! You know what boys like.
He is subtle and being a little cagey; because he knows he's dealing with a dynamic female. So he'd better play it cool. He knows you're used to a lot of attention, and you're probably a very good-looking woman. He's just letting you know, all your fabulousness is well and good. He'll get back to you. That's equalizing egos. Measuring you up. He knows you're Type-A. Formidable and competitive.
Look at the reaction Mr. Cool has gotten. You've written a post. In reality, you have the upper-hand. He may be moving slow, but you've got all the goodies. Just slow to a crawl and allow him to pursue. If he thinks he isn't that interested; you may not hear from him until he realizes that this lady was pretty hot; and I could be tripping over my own dick here. He may be the male-version of yourself and you're scaring each other. Don't give-up on him just yet. He has to be taught you don't have time for games.
If he seems too slow, or too caught-up in his so-called busy schedule, get busy. When he calls to see what's up. Let him know that you're a really organized person and it seems your schedules often conflict. Perhaps it might be nice to plan future dates and take turns. You don't want to presume on his time. Your plate is full, and you have things on the back-burner that you can shuffle around to fit him in (sweet sarcasm.) Also letting him know, your options are still wide open as well, Mr. Cool.
You'll blow his mind, and take a little air out of his ego. Take the challenge just for the fun of it. Nature equipped you with feminine charm, and a mystique. Use it and if you really like this guy, he will wise-up and figure out what he's got here. I enjoyed reading your post and like the way you think.
Just my stupid-male opinion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh yes. in addition to his 3 sports, he also does boot camp once a week. He works in television publicity so he seems to be really busy at work too. Technically, he is always on, he said. The last time we texted was Tuesday, and it was around 9 that he said he was just getting home from work. We have just been so coy with each other. I really am interested in getting to know him, but I have been so direct with my interest, I just would like him to take the lead to know if he is interested. He just really doesn't seem like a player type, but someone who might not care about dating lol. His whole scheduled is booked up, he said he likes to be busy. I really don't think he's a player. When we met, it was on the verge of raining and he asked to meet at a street intersection... I was like... uhhh why don't we meet at a firm place instead. He is not smooth. I've dated a lot of smooth guys, I know how they operate. Also, in conversation, he has brought up that he used to be painfully shy in high school, anyone who showed any interest in him, he would just back away from. I'm not sure how much of that still has stuck, because he is really attractive and polite, and being in the industry he is, I can't imagine him being shy. My friends have told me to be patient, shy guys move at a different speed.... but yet again, if a man is interested he would make a move!!!!
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reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 September 2014):
You could be the first person he has met, but not the last . And there's nothing impolite , or technically objectionable, in what he's doing, - it's just how this game is played.
As for having a lot going on, yes sure. Still he sounds like a bit too laid back for someone really interested. Part of this lot going on is playing sports 3 nights a week, something tells me that, at the very beginning, if he was really curious , really eager,... he would not mind at all skipping one of those nights to come out with you.
Anyway, Chigirl 's suggestion is excellent and practical , try, and see what happens.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 September 2014):
 At this point Id ask him directly, because just sitting around waiting doesn't help. Ask him if he wants to meet you again, and suggest a time and place. If he
a) Accepts, or can't make it but suggests another time/place, then he's interested in you.
b) can't make it, or doesn't give a direct answer, then he's not that interested and you should just move on.
Even if you're the only person he's seeing right now, if he's not that interested what does it help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe seems - SEEMS - like a nice guy, of course they appear that way, and he said I was the first person he has met. Of course why would he be honest with me. I've dated a lot of guys, and I usually can read them right away. And i thought he was a nice guy, with just a lot going on. You could be right, that he is not interested and being polite, but he is really polite. OH WELLS.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (19 September 2014):
I had to add another comment. I think it's normal to be seeing more than one person at a time when using app dating/online dating. You meet several people simultaneously, so it's bound to happen. I was dating several at the same time too. But the ones that aren't a top priority are the ones you don't message right away, the ones you don't arrange a second date with, the ones you brush off and keep contact with "just in case" it doesn't work out with the person you actually ARE curious about.
While I would have liked to date that guy again to get to know him, clearly I wasn't his first choice as he used ages to get in contact with me. In the meantime while he was being slow, I started talking to another guy, I met up with him, he was eager to meet me again, and I wanted to meet him again, and so we did, and now we're a couple. When both people like each other, meeting up is EASY. Even when I was going away for a week, and he was going away the very next morning after me coming back home, we STILL managed to see one another for breakfast. And that's when we had just been on two prior dates, mind you.
So, to sum it up: this guy of yours just isn't that interested. But don't cry about it, there are other men out there who are better suited for you.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 September 2014):
That's internet dating, or app dating. He may not be a natural born player, but he is definitely playing on different tables, as it is customary, and generally implied and deemed acceptable, at least in an initial screening phase.
He is probably dealing with other 3 or 4 ladies, and that would necessarily slow down things with each one.
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reader, chigirl +, writes (19 September 2014):
Sounds to me like he is busy dating other people, and you are just not top priority right now. I was using online dating a while, and met a guy just like yours. He said he wanted to meet up, and the first date was quickly arranged. But after that he took 5 days to reply to a message I sent him, and I had to ask him out for the second date because he was so slow! The date went great, but again he didnt text me for a week! So I just told him this was too slow for me. I need more communication with a guy, how else are you going to get to know him? You need to meet and talk in order to get to know one another.
That guy I dated excused himself with saying he liiked to take things slow (but he had invited me to his place for a sleepover..) Just doesnt add up. If you like someone you want to see them. Its that simple.
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