A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel hurt by my ex and don't know what to do about it. Our relationship was just 6 months but very intense. He had a serious life threatening physical illness when I was with him and I had a mental breakdown shortly after from the stress of it but also from the stresses he put me under. He was great to me at first but started accusing me of cheating, told me off for talking to male friends, wanted all my time. He even hit me and threatened to kill himself and told me it would be my fault and to think of how his family would feel about me when he was dead. He threw things I'd bought away and ripped my coat I was wearing in an argument. He messed with my head and I put up with it. I lost my job, my mental health, he stopped me talking to friends. Yet he told me I was a worthless girlfriend, a deceitful, ignorant b***h, I didn't deserve a decent boyfriend. All because I had a friendly conversation with one of his enemies and because I met an ex who's now a friend for lunch but didn't tell him beforehand that he was an ex. Also, he made me a beautiful gift for my 30th birthday and refused to give it back after we split because he said I didn't appreciate it. I told him it meant a lot to me because it was very thoughtful and the only keepsake gift from my 30th birthday. He said I should have worked harder to keep the love of someone who made the gift for me and that I have to live with the loss and the worst decisions I made.I know he's said these things out of spite and I should let go but I was being nice in response to all the nasty things he said because I really wanted to get my gift and a few other things he has of mine back. He also has some special things that belonged to my grandmother.I know it's just stuff that I should accept is gone. I know if I respond to the mean things he said that he will just retaliate with more hurtful things. He said he was being civil and it's me that's messed up but I was understanding and nice to him. I want to say something to him because he thinks that he was the injured party in this and that I was a terrible girlfriend. I want to tell him to get a grip and look at his own behaviour. He actually ruined my life. How dare he be so cruel and nasty to me when I was there for him when he was ill and I put up with so much. He was controlling, aggressive and nasty to me. I never fully stood up for myself. When I told him at the end of our last conversation that he was not a perfect boyfriend and that he hit me. He denied hitting me and said I just can't handle that I ruined everything.That showed me how much he actually doesn't care for him to deny what he did. I should walk away and I will but I want to put him in his place too. I cannot let him think he was this wonderful boyfriend after what he put me through. He can't get away feeling smug that he has punished me and that I feel I made all the mistakes and that I think I'm missing out. What can I say to him? I still want my stuff back but that seems really unlikely now.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2016): Be very careful. Have somebody present during exchanges. People get murdered when someone is angry like he is, and you want to show him.Walk away. Forget the "stuff" move on!
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (8 August 2016):
 I'd tell him this, IF he wants HIS stuff back... he can BRING your stuff over when he picks up HIS stuff. If he doesn't bring your stuff, he can't have his. Quid pro Quo.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your responses. I do need to move on. I am hurt and by speaking to him to try to get my things back I allowed him the opportunity to hurt me again. I now feel worse. I wad feeling like if I wrote the perfect response that I could make him realise how mean he has been and that I could get things off my chest that I didn't say to him ie that he was controlling and jealous of my male friends and I could let him know I don't take responsibility for hurting him by seeing male friends. I know from the end of the convo that he has got away feeling he is in the right and that I made mistakes and lost him. I however feel I didn't do anything to deserve the way he treated me and that I should have left the relationship when he hit me because that was him showing me his true colours. I would like him to know this but I don't want to engage in any further contact as I know he will retort with more abuse. So I am thinking perhaps it's better to cut all further contact and just let it be.
I am wondering whether I should return his belongings which I still have. He left furniture in my home and told me I was selfish for asking to collect mine without offering to return his. I however feel that I made the effort to collect most of my stuff so he should collect his own too as I paid the bus cost to go to his house 3 times to get mine. But now I wonder if I should just arrange for a van man to drop it to his then I owe him nothing. I was just trying to get my stuff back so I had no further need to contact him but ended up in another fight. What do you think?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had ignored him last time I saw him. He messaged me saying so you can't even acknowledge me now. I ignored that but I still had some things at his house I wanted so I tried to get them back by apologising for ignoring him which turned into an argument with him saying some nasty things. Because I wanted my things back I didn't retaliate. So I just feel bad since that convo. I didn't get my things and he got to have a go at me. He is a horrible man. He is a bully. I just feel it unfair that he gets away with treating me like that and I just have to suck it up and move on.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (8 August 2016):
You are not moving on. Moving on would be to never speak to that horrible man again. Yet you keep contacting him. Ask yourself why.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe won't try to take advantage by begging or pleading. I have got rid of him for sure. He's too proud and stubborn to ever come back to me because he decided I am a worthless gf now. In all communication since splitting he has been insulting. You are right, it is all about having power and control. Because I didn't kiss his ass and have my own life he couldn't handle it.
I am moving on and I do not want him back. I have realised he is messed up. I am just angry I allowed him to hurt me so much. I want revenge. I want him to hear what he did to me and that I am not sorry for the things he blames me for.
I want to have some closure. He acts so high and mighty. I'm not wallowing in self pity. I am moving on. I have a new job I see friends. I'm happy most of the time which is great. I had been ignoring him. I was supposed to get my stuff last time but he left out some stuff... I know it's just stuff and he's doing it to hurt me. I know I'll get over it. At least I have seen his true colours so I can let go. I'm just in shock from all that's happened. I feel messed up from it. I can't quite believe what happened. I feel cheated by life. I feel he has taken my power and I want to take it back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2016): "What can I say to him?"Nothing.You can't put him in his place or stop him from being smug or get him to look at his own behavior because he is a controlling abusive sociopath who preys upon needy and vulnerable women. He knows exactly what he's done to you and he doesn't care, and when you finally smarten up he'll go on to his next victim. If you attempt any further contact he'll take advantage by begging and pleading and promising he'll change in order to manipulate you into going back to him and perpetuating the cycle of dysfunction and abuse.Sorry, but it seems you lack the awareness and insight to make a clean break. He didn't verbally abuse you because you had a conversation with an enemy or went to lunch with an ex, he did it because he is a controlling, abusive sociopath. I respectfully suggest you contact your local domestic violence hotline or women's shelter to get the guidance and information to get away from him finally and safely, and I suggest you seek counseling to understand what has happened to you and why, otherwise you risk falling into the same trap with the next charming, manipulative sociopath who comes along.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (8 August 2016):
ACCEPT that he is a total asshat and that you will NEVER see those things EVER again, the more you TRY and get them, the MORE he will resist. HE likes keeping your stuff because it makes him feel like he has power over you.
LEARN from this, don't date unstable men and don't bring things to their place that you REALLY care for.
You can't change him, or how he thinks, feels or what he says.
So yes, he CAN get away with feeling smug.. but here is the thing. NO WOMEN will put up with that shit for very long, so he WILL be a lonely bitter dude and HE has to live with himself. While he might be in denial as to how abusive and controlling he was - at LEAST you don't HAVE to deal with him EVER again. Which means... you "won".
STOP wallowing in self pity, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and MOVE on. BLOCK him from your life.
BUILD yourself a good healthy life WITHOUT him.
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