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He says he won't change for me

Tagged as: Faded love, Teenage, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 June 2010) 10 Answers - (Newest, 13 June 2010)
A female United States age 22-25, *r0wn18 writes:

I told my boyfriend if he would ever change for me and he said he'd change when he wanted to; I got upset and I told him I didn't wanna be with him if he wouldnt do that for me. his reply was how do you expect me to change when you act the way you do with me. I'm nothing but sweet to him, so I said ima stop being nice to you he's like you always say that.

Normally he was never this way with me until our relationship started going sour. He's moving in this new apartment today and well I need advice what should I do!? And do you think the relationship has gotten to him?

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A female reader, Accountable United Kingdom +, writes (13 June 2010):

Accountable agony auntYeah, me and my boyfriend dealt with this when our relationship turned long distance (I was 16 and he was 20, so I get where you're coming from. :p). If you both care for each other and are both willing to put in the effort, the distance won't seem so hard :) its just about finding different ways to show each other you care, since you can't just give each other a kiss or cuddle anymore. I hope things work out for you :)

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A female reader, Br0wn18 United States +, writes (13 June 2010):

Br0wn18 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Br0wn18 agony auntThank u everybody

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (13 June 2010):

person12345 agony auntOh OK. That's totally different. I'm not sure what you can do other than asking him to. Like I said you can't force it, but you can ask really nicely. If he won't though, he won't. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you or care about you that he won't change or that he doesn't call a ton.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2010):

Yeah, he told me he wants me to show him a little appreciation; and that no dought in his mind he can be back to how he use to be, I told him I was trying my best to show him I'm here for him, we don't get to see each other often because he's working most of the time, and I know things might change whenever I get my car and that's in July so hopefully I'll get to see him more then, if of course we both want the relationship to work

thanks, well I know I'm young but I definitively do have a mature and well mannered mind, my boyfriends 20 btwn.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom + , writes (12 June 2010):

I'll tell you straight that if he won't change, he won't change. There is no way you can force him. So unless he does it by himself, you're better off moving on from him.

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A female reader, Accountable United Kingdom +, writes (12 June 2010):

Accountable agony auntOh ok, that explains things a bit! :) I'm in a longdistance relationship too, and if my boyfriend was acting like that, it would drive me crazy.

How often do you get to see each other? Did he used to be caring and things but has now stopped, as in is there anything in your relationship that has happened that would make him stop showing caring for you? If you can figure out where something went wrong, you can try to focus on that and fix it, and he might change :)

If not and he has always been this way, I would say its time to move on. People can change, but they have to genuinely want to change - no amount of asking or persuading will make them do it. If youve been together for a while and its always been like this, I imagine it always will be - he might try for a little while to appease you, but things will always slip back to how they are now. Youre young, and shouldnt settle for someone who doesnt fully appreciate you!

Good luck :)

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A female reader, tmisty777 United States +, writes (12 June 2010):

tmisty777 agony auntA person builds up their personality from the beginning of life, it's almost impossible for someone to change unless they want to change themselves.

If you force him to change, he won't, he might pretend but now he won't feel like he can be himself around you and will want to persue someone else where he is accepted.

The question is, what really do you want him to change about himself?

Abuse?- leave him,

You might need to be a little more specific.

A person is who they have become, and it's their decision only if they want to change. Try to deal with it a different way, and if he starts to noticetht something is bothering you he will eventually try to make it better because he loves you and wants to make you happy.

Forcing hm to change means you do't want him to be happy.

In a relationship, there will be sacrifices on both ends-

Hope this helped!!!

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A female reader, Br0wn18 United States +, writes (12 June 2010):

Br0wn18 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Br0wn18 agony auntjust to call me to let me know what he's doing I told him I don't ask for much just to show me he cares.

Knowing were in a long distance relationship

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A female reader, person12345 United States + , writes (12 June 2010):

person12345 agony auntI'm not sure what exactly you want him to change, but you can't make a person change. What exactly is it you want him to change? Throughout a relationship people change through their own free will, doing things they want to. People do change. They sometimes even change at a request. You would definitely have more success if you ask rather than demand he change. But you absolutely cannot MAKE someone change, no matter how nice you are, no matter how right you are, no matter what. If you try to force someone to change they are going to resist like a stubborn donkey. The harder you pull the more they will resist until eventually that rope breaks and the donkey goes running off, and then you have no more donkey.

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A female reader, Accountable United Kingdom +, writes (12 June 2010):

Accountable agony auntWhat/how do you want him to change, exactly?

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