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He says he loves me, but why does he still check his online dating profiles?

Tagged as: Online dating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (18 March 2015) 6 Answers - (Newest, 19 March 2015)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

I met this amazing guy on an online dating site about 7 months ago. When we first met, we agreed to keep things casual since we were both at pretty unstable points in our lives. But we quickly fell for each other and decided to be exclusive.

He recently told me he loved me for the first time and I told him I felt the same. However, he still signs on to the dating site every few days. I still have mine but, honestly, the only reason I sign in is to see when he last signed in. And recently, a friend informed me that he has an active and updated profile on another site as well.

I hate to be such a snoop because he hasn't given me any other reason not to trust him, but this is tearing me apart inside.

Is he playing me or am I just being paranoid? How should I even bring it up without seeming insecure?

View related questions: insecure

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntGood for you for talking to him. Communication is VITAL for a good relationship. Don't ever be "scared" of bringing up a topic that is on your mind. The NOT knowing can make little thinks get blown out of proportions.

Good luck :)

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015):

I'm the original poster. Thank you for all of your advice guys!

I guess I should clear up some things before I share an update. When I said we were at unstable points in our lives, I just meant that he just graduated from college last semester and I will be graduating in a few months. We are both unsure of where our future careers will take us, so neither of us were really searching for anything past casual when we found each other. Also, the friend was a male who's just very protective when it comes to his friends haha. I never asked him to snoop for me and I kinda wish he didn't :/

Now for the update! I did gently bring up the topic of us both deleting all dating profiles, to which he happily agreed. We even made it into a fun little event and deleted them together over a couple glasses of wine. Although we are exclusive, we've agreed to officially put the bf/gf label on our relationship. This is the healthiest relationship I've ever been in and I'm so happy to finally feel brave enough to fully trust this wonderful man.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015):

It really doesn't matter why you go on your dating profile anymore. If you've found someone you love, you should have it de-activated. You're really in no position to gripe to him about it if you still have an activated dating account.

Plus, don't those things cost money? Why continue paying for something you're literally not using? Neither of you should be. Though the fact that he's recently set up a new one on a different sight sounds like he's not through looking. It sounds like you're merely there for convenience so he doesn't have to be alone while he continues to look for something he deems as 'better'.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2015):

Maybe he goes on the sites for the same reason you do. Cause he is checking up on you too. I guess it is possible. But you never know.

Since you two are exclusive now and he said he loves you, I think your best bet is to confront him about it. Just bring it up casually in a respectful, non confrontational way. If he loves you like he said he does, he won't be offended by you asking about it. And he'll offer you a reasonable explanation and be able to resolve the issue to keep your mind at ease and confident with him.

However, if he gets defensive, then he is probably cheating on you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2015):

You said you're both at an "unstable" point in your lives. The operative-word is "unstable." Which means you're both insecure, and may have baggage; even if you are exclusive. He doesn't trust you, anymore than you trust him. You're snooping after him. How is that any better than his having an active profile on a dating site?

I have an issue about the friend, up in your business about his being on another site.

KEEP OTHER FEMALES OUT OF YOUR DATING LIFE!!!

If you're an heiress to family-fortune, hire a professional licensed private-investigator; if you have the need to follow-up on someone's character and background. If his character is that suspect, then dump him.

Your friends are not the people who should be investigating your date's behavior or activities. I tell women this all the time!!!

An opportunist (aka so-called BFF/girlfriend) will lie to you, destabilize your love-connection, and swoop in for the man. Why would a friend be so concerned? Why would you ask a friend to snoop on your date? If I found out my boyfriend and his friends were snooping around on me, I would dump him flat and cold on the spot!!! I'm dead-serious! I have nothing to hide, but that is creepy!!! I wouldn't do that to him.

It's hypocritical your profile is still active to check on his. He could be checking to see if you're still active.

Your friend has nothing to do with any of it. He says he loves you? So have you both committed formally, beyond "casual?"

Until he commits to be your boyfriend, and you both mutually agree not to see other people; he can keep his options open. He doesn't have to risk his feelings on someone who is "unstable" or insecure. Nor should you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (18 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntAre you still "casual", yet exclusive? IF you are, he can do what he wants (and so can you).

If you WANT an exclusive relationship - tell him and suggest you BOTH take all dating profiles down (if he agrees).

If you are a couple, as in BF/GF - I'd talk to him about taking profiles down. I wouldn't mention that you know he has more then one. IF he takes the one down on the site YOU are on, but not the other, I'd honestly give him his walking papers. Because ? If he keeps that one up, he is STILL looking for someone, and it isn't YOU.

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