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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I have been with a man over a year now..he hasnt stopped with communicating with his ex wife..he hasnt stopped hacking into her email He has told me several times that he wishes she would move on but when she has a caller he turns into this miserable basketcase. I know its hard to have your ex move on but its ridiculoous , he hasnt even motioned for divorce either, but calls his ex names and says I am the best thing that happened to him. His wife is still in love with him but he says he doesnt want her back , now the big deal is he hasnt acknowledged me as his girlfriend to anyone or his family I dont know what his deal is with me he says he loves me and wants to move here but his wife keeps meddling in our life and he is miserable
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divorce, ex-wife, his ex, move on Reply to this Question
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female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (8 December 2011):
 Maybe you need another year or two of being introduced as the "friend" in order for things to sink in. Judging by your defensive responses and the excuses, I don't think you're prepared to face the truth. Instead of asking unbiased internet strangers, you could ask the opinions of your family and friends, who know you and your situation far better than us....But let me guess, you don't like what they say either, or none of them know about this? Hopefully you won't waste too much time until the light bulb goes on. If everyone sees something that you don't, don't you think it could be you with the perception issue? Clearly you know something is wrong in your relationship, or you wouldn't be writing here. Good luck sorting things out in your mind.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 December 2011):
 he does NOT acknowledge you as his girlfriend because he does not see you as that. He sees you as his handy penis holder.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (5 December 2011):
 You probably find us hostile and not understanding about your situation.. no problem, we are here to help, not to attack you and make you upset.
Please go here, it's me favourite post about your "unique" situation.. tons of women, just like you, write your story there, and you'll get a more sensitive reply... Ignore the title, 392 posts, written by women just like you.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/in-love-w-a-married-man-how-do-i-cope-w-break-up.html
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): Chica! As a fellow Canuckle I have to say SNAP OUT OF IT!Do you even read what you say out loud?This guy is not acting healthy, he has no boundaries and he is LYING his Freaking FACE OFF.I want to know how you even saw this man as attractive? He hacks into his EXs emails? What the F for? MENTAL.He is acting jealous possessive AND you sit there and let him.I would have given him the BOOT a long time ago.He sounds imbalanced, crazed, he lies, he cheats, he is unstable, has no healthy boundaries of behaviour...HOW IS HE ATTRACTIVE to you?And now you make excuses for him but guess what, they sound so hollow and fake.Do you like the whole drama, pain, crying, hurting and that is the REAL reason you stay?If you win his love and approval and 'change' him into some man he CLEARLY IS NOT; you win what? Closure on all the past bad relationships you have had?This does not compute.You need to head to COUNSELLING ASAP because a healthy, strong, confident woman does not put up with all this BS.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 December 2011):
 What exactly are you hoping to hear from the Aunts and Uncles? If you are trying for reaffirmation I'm thinking you are truly wasting more time than ever. This guy is never going to get off the fence. He likes straddling both sides just fine and dandy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYES I HAVE BEEN TO HIS MOM'S HOUSE AND THAT IS WHY I WAS BOTHERED THAT HE INTRODUCED ME TO HIS MOM AS A FRIEND AND I KNOW I SOUND CRAZY BUT I KNOW HE WILL IN THE END BE WITH ME 22YRS HE WAS WITH HIS WIFE ITS NO SURPRISE HE DOESNT WANT TO HURT THE WOMAN THATS ALL
THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVICE BUT THE MATTER THAT I AM THE OTHER WOMAN I THINK EVERYONE IS JUST BIASED BY IT I WANTED HELP IN WHY HE DOESNT ACKNOWLEDGE ME AS A GF THAT IS ALL
THANKS FOLKS
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2011):
How exacctly do you know he's left his wife and lives with his parents?
have you been to their home?
have you called their land line and spoken to him there?
or do you base this knowledge on what he has told you?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 December 2011):
He hacks into her email and you say SHE keeps meddling in your lives.. I think it’s the other way around HE’S HACKING INTO HER MAIL… who’s stalking who? How has HE moved on if he’s the one hacking into and reading her mail???
Sounds LIKE she has moved on and he has NOT….
He has not acknowledged you as his girlfriend nor has he done anything to end the marriage? When you say he wants to move here… do you mean move in with you or that you guys are long distance?
The opposite of LOVE is not HATE. The opposite of love is AMBIVELENCE. He is NOT ambivalent about his wife… he still has passionate feelings for her.
So he left his wife for you? I let my marriage end because of the man I am with now. You’d better believe he is introduced to everyone as my fiancé. I even (at age 51) took him down on a 2.5 hour plane ride to meet my father and make sure my DAD knew he was getting a new son in law….
In reading your follow ups? He’s with you on weekends and her during the week. HE DENIES you to her because he does not want to hurt her? OH DEAR you really are floating down a river… and it’s not in Egypt…. Have you been to his parents’ house and seen his room there?
He WANTS her to get over him before HE tells the world about YOU? Seriously? YOU BUY THIS? Why if he loves you so madly does HE CARE what she thinks feels or wants? OH DEAR oh dear oh dear.
Honey you are his little bit on the side… and she’s letting him have you… would you like to meet my little bit on the side?
I had one. I was however HONEST with both the husband and the boyfriend. Husband knew I cared about my boyfriend. Boyfriend knew I was spending the week with the husband and coming to see him every other weekend… eventually my marriage ended because the husband moved out….. and I let him… but to be honest I don’t know that had he not moved out I would have ended up with my boyfriend…. I think you may be in a similar situation… Man not totally happy at home but not unhappy enough to end the marriage… just wanting a bit of excitement and newness on the side and a very accommodating wife who is willing to accept his dalliance for however long she is willing to accept it.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 December 2011):
I just wish people could recognize that life is very brief and wasting even a moment of it is a terrible tragedy. You, dear OP, have wasted over a year already and by the sound of it will be wasting even more. Sad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): So the man has cheated on his wife more then once, good luck with him. Do you really think he won't cheat on you IF he ever divorces his wife? If you do, you are delusional.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis wife wants him back she has been a constant pain in the butt she has been pining for him from the start he chooses not to go back .......I have sent several emails to her to tell her of her husbands activities with me... I have told her of the flowers and trips and gifts he has given me and told her to move on....he choses to deny things to her because he doesnt want to hurt her!!!!!!! he feels sorry for her he sees how hurt she is they were together for 22 yrs !!!! so I get why he's a little in love with her but he chooses not to go back to her she never forgave him for the last affair he was in and she was devastated and never got over itThis is different with me, he just wants her to get over him before he tells the world about me. you people just dont get it...!!!!!
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 December 2011):
This story doesn't get any better.... I guess you can fool some people all of the time when they is desperate to believe.
Thing is, he's not even lying or trying to fool you, you manage to do that all on your own with tons of excuses. That guy has got life good.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe has two grown kids who want nothing to do with him, the wife have the kids turned against him because of this...what I hate is his hacking into her emails and telling men to leave her alone..its like he cant have her move on it would make our relationship and the kids easier to make the transition his kids are 21 and 17
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoh he doesnt live with me...he lives with his parents he travels one hour to be with me...and spends the weekends with me..not pining for his wife
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 December 2011):
"I met him while he was with his wife" (so she kicked him out, he didn't leave, he was booted)
"he has introduced me to some of his friends but has told them I am a friend" (you guys may have fun, but that doesn't sound like a man in love, he can't even be bothered to get a divorce, so he's a married man with a mistress)
"I dont understand why I just think he doesnt want to face her and see her hurt so he denies our relationship I even put up a pic on fb and he made me take it down" (sounds like he's trying to hide you, perhaps because he as soon as he can he'll be running back to his wife if she will let him)
Here's my translation of your story, one I've heard a hundred times before... Married man has an affair, with a girl who gives him no pressures or stress. Man has it good, two women to sleep with. Wife kick's man out, he has no where to go. Runs to live with girlfriend, so he can have regular sex and a bed to sleep in. Has fun, pretending he's on holiday, but wants to go back to wife, he didn't want to leave, he got kicked out. Girl is not a "girlfriend", he hides her away, doesn't want anyone to know, is frightened wife won't take him back. After all, he's still a married man and he has no intention of ever taking of his wedding ring. Says lots of crap to girlfriend, so he can stay, get sex and have roof over head.
How does the story end.. usually wife won't have him back. But he spends all his time thinking and dreaming about her. But mostly the man finds another girl and starts cheating on the girlfriend, and we start the story again. Cheating married men.. lie real good, and often cheat on you. But, you must know him better. I tell you what, why don't you try to answer your own questions.
Why does he hack into his wife's phone?
Why wouldn't he leave his wife, but had to wait until he got kicked out?
Why does he keep you hidden.
If he doesn't care about her, why is he talking about her all the time.
Why won't he cheat on you, just like he cheated on her?
Why won't he get a lawyer and get a divorce?
I'd love to know the answer to these questions. I'd also like to know, why are you frightened to ask him these questions, he loves you, but you two can't talk. If he loves you and your having so much fun, why are you here talking to us?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 December 2011):
 Wow, put the blame on the not-yet-exwife huh?
Can't you see he is a douche? IF he truly loved YOU and wanted to be with YOU he would have left her ages ago?
He isn't over her by a long shot.
Save your sanity and dump him. Tell him to look you up when he is divorced and over her, maybe you will still be available, maybe not.
I can't see why you want to join in all his circus drama.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 December 2011):
Wow, put the blame on the not-yet-exwife huh?
Can't you see he is a douche? IF he truly loved YOU and wanted to be with YOU he would have left her ages ago?
He isn't over her by a long shot.
Save your sanity and dump him. Tell him to look you up when he is divorced and over her, maybe you will still be available, maybe not.
I can't see why you want to join in all his circus drama.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit does bother me that he denies I am his girlfriend to his wife I dont understand why I just think he doesnt want to face her and see her hurt so he denies our relationship I even put up a pic on fb and he made me take it down I am really confused I believe he loves me and wants me but hes just afraid of moving too fast
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe has introduced me to some of his friends but has told them I am a friend I really dont get it we have fun together and we have gone on trips that he never took his wife too. I met him while he was with his wife and she found out he is the one who left her and came to me I didnt ask him to leave I think he feels guilty and waiting for the right moment to acknowledge me as a girlfriend I know its been over a year but some people take longer to cope with these situations I dont think he will ever go back to his wife he said he doesnt love her its just hard for anyone to see thier ex with someone else I really think its hard for him to see her with another man
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe has introduced me to some of his friends but has told them I am a friend I really dont get it we have fun together and we have gone on trips that he never took his wife too. I met him while he was with his wife and she found out he is the one who left her and came to me I didnt ask him to leave I think he feels guilty and waiting for the right moment to acknowledge me as a girlfriend I know its been over a year but some people take longer to cope with these situations I dont think he will ever go back to his wife he said he doesnt love her its just hard for anyone to see thier ex with someone else
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (4 December 2011):
"I dont know what his deal is with me he says he loves me and wants to move here but his wife keeps meddling in our life and he is miserable"
Ok here's the deal, and I'm surprised that you can't see it. He's not treating you like a proper girlfriend, that's because as far as he's concerned he's still a married man and he wants to go back to his wife. (the sweet words he says to you, are mostly lies.. men who love you avoid discussions on divorce)
He is bothering his wife, it's not her, he's the one who hacks into her email and starts to cry when she won't pick up her phone.
His wife is still in love with him? Are you sure, are you and her friends. When did she tell you this. Is it him who tells you his wife is chasing him?
He hasn't motioned for divorce. Well, that means he doesn't want to get divorced because he still wants his wife.
He says lots of nice words to you.. words like "love" words like "your the best thing"... but if he thinks that, why hasn't he introduced you to his family and friends. If he loves you so much and is so proud of you, why doesn't he want the whole world to know.
Don't move in with him. You'll be bored watching him cry because he can't speak to his wife, or bored listening to him talk about her all the time.
The man still has strong feelings for his wife. He is more interested in her business, than he's interested in yours. He doesn't introduce you as a girlfriend, that's because as far as he's concerned he's still a married man. He intends to go back to his wife as soon as he can.
Did you meet him when he was separated, or was you his girlfriend when he was still living with his wife.
Usually men go back to their wives if they can. If not, then they don't usually settle with the first girlfriend they have. They use you as a counsellor, you listen to their problems, give them sex and say nice things to him. Then they say, they're not sure what they want, and go off and meet someone else.
Tell the guy to get a divorce, sort out his feelings for his wife, before you'll considering dating or having sex with him. Situations like these mostly end up with "girlfriends" like you getting dumped.
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female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (4 December 2011):
 If he really wanted to be with you he could. He would acknowledge you as his partner, get out of his wife's life and move to you. But he doesn't.
There must be some things he isn't telling you.
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