A
female
age
36-40,
*arkBlue
writes:My boyfriend and I have been living together for nearly 2 years now and have been talking, about our future and the possibility of getting married when we're ready. Everything seemed fine at first, but recently he's had an aggressive tone with me and keeps talking about how he can't achieve his career and dreams if he gets married or has children.I've never pressurised him at any point into any of it, in fact the majority of the future plans at first came from him. I've tried to talk to him about why he talks so differently but he says he doesn't know what he wants out of life and can't decide on a path. If I push for more information I get shut down and if I try to help him sort out what he wants I end up getting shut down too. He doesn't have any really close friends to talk to and I feel like I should be helping him figure out what he needs in life.Is there anything I can do or do I have to just sit and wonder while he makes up his mind completely alone? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): I agree that you first need to set your own priorities and ask what you want out of your own life and how your boyfriend will or will not fit into it.
Many women rush to marriage and living together thinking that if the tie a man down, then he will be there forever and take care of us, relieving us of the burden of our own financial success and well being...and of course many of us want children and ideally a family to raise them in.
I am not a proponent of living together before marriage, studies show that it increases your chances of getting divorced after marriage, not descreases it. Living together is not a trial run for marriage, it is about the convenience of readily available sex and the sharing of daily drudgery and chores and sharing some monetary expenses.
Be careful that you don't end up pregnant with a reluctant man's child....he won't be likely to stay out of responsibility to you, but will more likely feel trapped and resentful and leave, doesn't say much about the state of women and men, but it happens....a lot in people of your age group, a very poor choice that will affect the rest of your long life.
I think your boyfriend is telling you, he wants to achieve some goals for himself that do not include you, he does not need to be saddled with the responsibility of a relationship and kids, and that is OK, perhaps this is the wrong time to be tied down in this relationship.
You need to do some thinking and some talking to your partner not to us to tell you what to do here.
A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (2 March 2007):
There is little practical difference on a day to day basis between living together unmarried and living together married - so it's strange that he thinks being married will somehow hinder his career.
As there is little practical difference, you might want to ask yourself why YOU want to get married so much - we women tend to fall for those childhood stories where the pretty princess meets the prince "and lives happily ever after" and we are brought up to want to get married. But those are children's stories and you're an adult now.
As for children, he is partly right here. Having children is very tiring - they keep you up all night and reduce the energy left for work. They require constant babysitting and mean you can't go out so much, which can be important in some careers. Also, they eat up money, which means that there is a lot of pressure to keep earning it. In a very highflying career, it is difficult to combine it with children unless one partner looks after them fulltime and there is plenty of money for extra help.
The question is whether he simply doesn't want to think about kids until he is much older and more settled in his career, or whether he NEVER wants any.
If he NEVER wants to have any, and you are very committed to having them one day, then you have a fundamental mismatch in your relationship ideals, which means that one of you would have to give way. If neither of you have firmly made up your mind yet, because you are still young, then put it off until later.
Question for you - are you happy with him? Do you enjoy your life together right now, and enjoy living together? If so, why not just enjoy that? What are you feeling is missing that is making you so determined to plan this out in advance rather than going with the flow?
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A
female
reader, Millyella  +, writes (2 March 2007):
 And what do YOU want? Have you thought about that?
You have been living together now for two years already and you're still quite young. Do you really want to settle down to marriage and children?
Perhaps you should think about what you want from your own life before trying to help your boyfriend decide what he wants from his. I'm thinking that he is probably feeling a bit of pressure to decide about marriage and kids, and there's no need for this. You are both young, and need to establish yourselves in careers before thinking of getting married and starting a family.
Instead of worrying about what he wants, start to think about your own priorities. Be rational about it; think about your career, friends, family, hobbies. Your relationship is only one part of a very full life (hopefully), and that's as it should be. Take the pressure off yourselves. You two, and your relationship, will be all the better for it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2007): My first thought is move out. If he wants to be with you, let him call you and ask you out. Let him know that you will not be just sitting home waiting for that call either. Find some things to do without him and some friends to do it with. When your gone, he will figure out pretty quick if that is really what he wants. You need to stop focusing on what he wants and start thinking about what you want. Not someone who resents you and thinks you are holding him back in life thats for sure. I don't mean to sound harsh, I know you love him, but just sitting around letting it be all about him is not good for your relationship.
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A
female
reader, dollparts  +, writes (2 March 2007):
 no don't wait for him thats not fair on you
just get on with life and until he figers out what he wants then maybe something might happen
but if you do wait you may be waiting forever and like i said before thats no fair on you
you gotta move on
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