A
female
age
30-35,
*azzybaby
writes:Ok! So me and my fiance have been together almost 9 years. When I met him he did not smoke, we've broke up and got back together in between that time, but here we are together again, and now he smokes weed. I have a serious problem with it. I mean everytime he smokes I get mad I may even start arguing with him. Its just when he smokes he gets stupid, he neglects time with me etc. He told me that I knew he smoked before I got back with him and if I don't like it then I can leave because thats who he is now. And nothing is going to change. We have 2 beautiful kids together and a loooong history with each other. I don't want to just leave him, but I don't want to be unhappy everyday. I even tried to make a compromise and said he can smoke just take out 1 whole day every other week that he doesn't smoke and he agreed, but hasn't kept his word. Please what should I do???
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broke up, fiance, got back together, smokes Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2012): In a couple, people need to compromise but also set their boundaries. Yours clearly is that you don't want someone who smokes weed. His is that he wants to be free to smoke weed. Either of you is willing to compromise on that. Therefore, you need to leave.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (30 September 2012):
 You don't need our permission to dump this guy who CLEARLY doesn't give a darn about you.....
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): "I don't want to just leave him, but I don't want to be unhappy everyday."Sorry, but boyfriend's ultimatum precludes you from choosing "a little of each" or "none of the above" as available alternatives to "just leav[ing] him" or "be[ing] unhappy everyday." Ultimatum leaves you with two choices: a) leave unrepentant pot-smoking long-term live-in boyfriend and baby daddyb) stay with unrepentant pot-smoking long-term live-in boyfriend and baby daddy You must choose "a and not b" OR "b and not a" I happen to agree with SoVeryConfused regarding government legalizing and regulating sale of pot to consenting adults who then assume burden of using responsibly at no social or psychological cost such as that currently affecting unrepentant pot smoker's long-term live-in girlfriend (OP) and live-in baby mama (OP) and live-in children by girlfriend/baby mama. I happen to agree with SoVeryConfused regarding reasonable compromise and therefore believe OP's long-term live-in boyfriend/baby daddy's unwillingness to compromise is being unreasonble.Unfortunately, those are exact circumstances resulting in ultimatum and "pot or us" dilemma OP faces. Leave or stay. You must choose "one and not the other" OR "the other and not one" but you can't have both and you can't avoid making a choice between the two. If you choose not to leave, then you have chosen to stay under terms of boyfriend/baby daddy's ultimatum.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (30 September 2012):
 I am a firm believer that pot should be legal, but in some instances people can take it too far. Smoking every day without a medical issue is too far in my opinion. Clearly he has laid down his priorities, that he would rather sit around and get high all the time than have a family.
I know it's hard, but you can't force someone to change even if they are wrong and you are right. I completely agree that you are being reasonable, he is being unreasonable, and he SHOULD change. But he won't, and even all the "right" in the world can't make him change. It's probably time to take your two children and go somewhere else, at least for awhile.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): I'd recommend a compromise and not a limited intake one.
Just set out the things which he neglects that you want done when he is smoking.
Look if you're very anti-pot then why did you get back together with him if you knew he smoked it?
If you're not anti-pot and are just unhappy at how it has affected your relationship then a compromise can be reached.
I smoked it for ten years, two of those years daily and never had anything but the usual problems in relationships. It helped that I mostly dated other pot smokers in that time. but I worked hard, held down jobs easily and did my bit around the house and to maintain my friendships and relationships.
It's not dangerous to expose to kids to "that environment" any more than it's dangerous to expose kids to a mom who likes a couple of glasses to unwind every evening which is far more common.
OP I smoked for ten years as I said and for about 6 of those I was living at home with some young sisters. My mother also smoked pot from a hell of a long time before I was even born. I never actually found out until I was 19 and left a bag of weed in my jeans in the wash and I didn't get hell for that when it conveniently went missing after she checked.
My sisters are reaching adulthood now and they have no idea either of us smoked weed, even though most of our extended family does and we smoked a lot of it too.
It's very easy not to expose kids to it so people who talk about environment and a bad example are people who haven't lived it and frankly don't know what they're talking about.
Now he's given you his take on things and told you it's not going away so if you want to stay then you have to work out a compromise, if you're just completely opposed to it then you have to leave the choices are that.
I mean a compromise such as never smoking in the house, never letting the kids see any evidence of it ever. A list of things he's been neglecting that you want him to step to and not neglect. Things like that. Now if you just don't want to live with a stoner regardless of whether he steps us and starts putting in the work, just go.
This can be worked through if it's not that though so I wouldn't take any notice of the scare-mongering anti-drugs thing.
FYI OP he didn't choose weed over you and the kids. You're the one who has to make the choice here of whether you can accept his new lifestyle. He can happily do both, so he chose nothing. Saying he's chosen that over you and kids is a bit of a bitter ultimatum way of looking at things.
I say try and reach a compromise, when I was smoking it regularly I had a girlfriend that was becoming unhappy with me being doped up all the time, so I agreed to not smoke it around her or be stoned all the time when I met up with her, when living together I didn't smoke it in our place and only did so in the evenings and not at all on our dates.
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (30 September 2012):
 Seems to me that pot is more important to him then you and the kids.
Now you have to decide if staying with him is the right thing for AND the kids. Is HE the kind of role-model you want for your kids? Is he the kind of partner YOU want?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): The problem here is not that this dude smokes pot it's that this girl feels neglected emotionally in the relationship. Smoking pot is merely a symptom this woman is describing about the degrading poor quality of the relationship. This dude is also using it to distract himself from whatever underlying issues that exist either in life or in the relationship. Simply giving the advice to leave probably makes the choice more stressful because she does not want to leave she wants him to love her. The process to figuring this out is complex, it's not as simple as leaving. It is one option. I would encourage speaking to a marriage counselor before making such a major long impacting choice that you may regret.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2012): I'm against drugs and alcohol, it's a crutch, and I don't understand why some people need it to have fun or relax. Incapable of doing it without help? I don't understand... anyway...
It's obvious he's made HIS choice already - pot smoking over you and the kids. If "who he is now" is a belligerent pot smoker with no love or respect for his family then this man is not someone who you should keep around for another minute.
Not even trying to compromise? Neglecting you and the kids just to smoke some weed? That's pathetic, he's not a man.
Leave him and don't look back. Let his pot be there with him when he's old.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Pot is psychologically addicting. But I have yet to find a doctor that will tell me it will harm me.
I think it should be legal
I think it should be regulated and taxed and sold in liquor stores.... Then folks might not feel the need to indulge as often as they do as it will cost twice as much as it does no the street.
I think that you and your fiance have a fundamental difference in how you believe that pot should be handled.
With a fundamental difference it's going to be very hard to work it out. It's his choice to smoke. It's your choice to not smoke (and it can be your choice to demand that he have SUPERVISED visitation with your children to prevent them being aware of it)
I think that if you can't accept his drug of choice, then your only option is to not be with him. He may find that he wants to be with you more but I doubt it will happen. It's very sad for you to have to realize that he's chosen a lifestyle that you don't agree with. But folks do it all the time, with drugs, with religion, with politics, with open marriage vs. monogamous marriage.
I don't agree that
a. the kids need to know about it till they are over 18 (I am sure in the 70s my parents were smoking it although infrequently but I never knew about it)
b. his brain will turn to mush. I do not find pot to be the gateway drug folks make it out to be. No there should not be smoking, on the job, when driving, when operating heavy machinery.... all the things that you can't and should not do when drinking should apply to pot as well.
Your compromise of ONE day off is reasonable. IF he can't go one day by choice, then he's telling you loud and clear what his priorities are. BTW It takes THREE full days for the THC to clear....
I'm so sorry he does not respect you or the relationship enough to even try to compromise. I think your offer is more than fair... you aren't saying only on the weekends... you want ONE day when you and the kids can be the primary focus.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 September 2012):
You've now been told by him exactly where you stand. Either you put up with what he does, or you leave. There will be no compromising.
Now you have to decide what's best. Do you want to stay in the house, in which case your kids will grow up thinking that this is okay, and there's a good chance that his mind will start to turn to mush. Or do you think leaving would be the better option? I know which one I'd choose.
He has chosen drugs over you and your kids. I think that it's best to leave.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 He has certainly let you know what his priorities are, and they are not you and his children.
Leave. Your kids and you will be all the better for it.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (30 September 2012):
 Well he's made himself clear, hasnt he? He has told you point blank that he's not going to change, he's going to continue smoking pot and you can take it or leave it. Also, if its an addiction with him, then he wont bother about the one-day-a week rule, he's going to be doing it as and when he wants. The ball is in your court now. But remember OP, its very difficult to live with a person who does drugs and its extremely dangerous to expose your kids to this environment. Leave, not only for yourself, but for the sake of your children.
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