A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:HiMe and My partner of 4 years recently went through a rough patch. He said I had got him down as he felt I was always negative and depressed.Anyway, he started something with another woman (alot younger than me) who flirted with him when he was shopping for christmas gifts. I found out via text messages from his mobile and he went missing a few times just before christmas.He hasn't gone off to meet her since, but is still very secretive over his mobile phone. ie. has PIN number on it, and carries it everywhere.The other night we went out for a meal and he got pretty drunk and he absent mindedly passed me his phone as he got out of the taxi - he suddenly reaslised what he had done, dropped his cash cards but demanded his mobile back.and turned it off.I am not happy as he promised me things would change. He saysit is me he wants to be with...but to be honest, the secrecy over his mobile is something which bothers me...should it? or should i just ignore the fact he is so careful with his phone?He talks about our future together and what we can do/where we can visit etc but even with all that I don't feel special anymore to him.He sent this woman a bouquet of flowers as a surprise but has never done that for me, although he does buy me birthday/christmas gifts - am i being greedy/selfish/paranoid?I am sort of thinking, at the moment, I would rather struggle on my own than put up with his secrecy (i am 44 yrs)..msybe I am paranoid and need help?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007): Back away, you deserve better.
Maybe he'll end up with the text girl, or maybe he'll realize what he had in you.
In any event, if you have these issues with trust after 4 years, I don't know if it's going to get better-- not without his trying to show you you have nothing to fear.
When you back up, you can also look around and see if he was really all that himself...
You can do it!
A
female
reader, TygersDream  +, writes (4 February 2007):
 I'm glad to hear that you're independent enough that you'd rather be loved then entangled in a secretive partnership.
As for help? When your partner said you were bringing him down with your negativity and your depression, do you think he was correct? Were you going through a rough patch yourself? If that is/was the case, you should go for counseling.
Then again, perhaps he only said that because he felt that YOU didn't see him as special anymore. Sometimes our physical and emotional responses to our partners change over time, the changes can be so subtle and unplanned that we don't even notice it. What might be termed as being in the comfort zone might appear as boredom or indifference to our partners.
On the other hand, he might have just said that in defense to his flirting with the younger woman. Perhaps he's going through a midlife crisis right now? (not to sound cliched or anything).
Since he still wants to be with you he probably realizes that this fling/flirtation with the younger woman isn't a lasting relationship. But he's trying to have his cake and eat it too.
Talking about feeling special though, what have YOU done for yourself lately? What makes you feel special? Do some things for yourself that'll make you feel happy like a bubble bath, walk in the park, museum, watching a concert, pick up a hobby. (I know I'm coming off really new-agey right now), but it's true though, sometimes for ppl's attitudes towards us to change, we have to see how WE treat ourselves. Perhaps you can make a trip with a best friend or something and go somewhere without him for the weekend or a week. Make an excuse about how it's an all-girl's thing or something you both promised each other for her birthday. Use this time to enjoy yourself, take a breath of fresh air. Think about your relationship with him so far. Do you want to continue with it? What do you think has to change for it to work?
Has everything you both have talked about just been talk? Perhaps it's about time you both made your musings REAL and gone on a trip together. Leave your emotional baggage at home and REALLY enjoy the time you both spend together.
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