A
female
age
51-59,
*auldsire
writes:Dear CupidMy partner had been tempted to have a fling with a girl he met at the gym and I found a text he was going to send her, which was vile. He swore nothing came of it and never would. It forced me to look at myself and why he may want to do so. Despite me losing a significant amount of weight and trying new things to please him, my partner isn't interested in sex with me. He said he lost interest in sex, then later says he has "got something" which stops him having sex with me, but won't say what - he refuses to discuss anything with me, saying it's none of my business. I thought he may be impotent through use of muscle enhancers at the gym. He has been looking at adult "friend finder" and porn sites on the web and I know he masturbates, so that kills his excuse of lack of interest. My self esteem is at an all time low and I can't cope much longer. I'm seriously thinking of leaving and this breaks my heart after 16 years together. Please help.
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his ex, muscle, porn, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, snowbird  +, writes (20 January 2007):
 I agree with the other aunts on here - and just for the heck of it, here's a thought - it could well be that his problem really is "nothing to do with you"..as in not your fault...perhaps an STD which he has caught off someone else!?!
Sorry to sound cynical, but it is extremely suspicious behaviour, giben his actions, and it must be addressed, for his sorry sake as well as your own.
Be strong, there IS life after this dirty dog!
Take care, I know what it is like, what you are going through - you don't want to beleive it - and I do feel for you..but after sixteen years you deserve better treatment than this.
A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (20 January 2007):
 Sixteen years is a long time to throw again but if after this time he is not honest with you or has the courage to talk to you or get any help need to sort his problem out, then you should call it a day
No matter how painful now, this guy does not deserve to be with you, he does not respect you.
Hope you find someone who can make you happy and gives you love.
Be strong good luck x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): Yet MORE evidence of the way porn hurts women.....TYPICAL
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): You are correct he has not lost his sex drive and libido. dear. His behaviours such as: the friend finder and porn sites, his maturbation habit, his temptation with the girl at the gym-all of it points to a man who is sexually healthy. Your relationship with him has a serious problem. It's about his lack of fidelity to you and his intent to cheat. I am sorry. He has a right to be totally himself. He doesn’t have a right to use you and this relationship as a 'fall-back system' when in fact he wants to have sex with other people. So what do you do? Rather than sit and worry and do nothing, you grab the 'bull by the horns' and face the problem, with him. He is clearly dissatified with this relationship and he is not telling you. He's lying and saying 'it's none of your business'. This is the deeply rooted problem that must be honestly and openly addressed by both of you. That is where the two of you need to start and it will take courage to face those problems. If you can't talk openly, try and see if he'll go to couples counseling with you. If after all the talking and therapy and you find yourselves with no resolve and he won't contribute to rebuilding..then you end this relationship. Because if you don't end it and he's not taking full responsibility for his actions, he will 'really' cheat someday on you. And then you may do what so many women do when a partner cheats...they blame themselves and their self-worth takes even a bigger nosedive. And when she does this-she makes excuses for him and she remains in a very unhappy relationship. Never, ever blame yourself. Stay strong.
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A
female
reader, eternalleroze  +, writes (19 January 2007):
 girl ,
dont waste the rest of your life on this guy , his attitude stinks , 16 yrs is enough of a waste on a guy who doesnt appreciate you or your effort....
i agree with the size 13 boot kick out the dorr advise!
I am sure you being so wonderful and adaptive will find a man worth loving , and ofcourse who will cherish and appreciate you
take care and chin up!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): 16 years is a long time so why can't he tell you exactly what is going on? Do you two not talk? After all of this time you should know each other inside and out! No! I wouldn't be too chuffed if that was my bloke! That text would of been the last straw! I suggest you two have a good talk. If he still won't tell you just what is going on then i'm afraid i would be asking him to leave. Keep his bloody secrets to himself! Let him know you are not standing for it.
Take care
xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2007): I know how you feel - having been there myself.
You wonder how you can walk away from 16 years? You are waiting to see if this is a phase that he is going thro' and he will come around one day.
What you need to do is ask yourself a few questions. What would you do even if (and from what you say, it does seem to be a big 'if'), he does come around? Can you ever trust him again? Do you want to be in a relationship where you are always not sure of what it is he is up to behind your back? If you can't trust this man ever again, what are you doing being with him?!
If he decides to leave - take it as a blessing and move on with your life. He is not worth it. But there is someone else out there who is.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (19 January 2007):
 You've known him for 16 years and all of a sudden "he's got something". It sounds like he's got the itch to find someone new. I'd show him where the door is. . . and give him a size 13 boot (that's me, probably not you - LOL) in the seat of the pants to help him along.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Nikita +, writes (19 January 2007):
 I feel for you, you poor thing. He's behaving badly at the moment and you shouldnt put up with it. You have to talk to him again and find out whats going on. You deserve to know where you stand so you can make a decision as regards this relationship. If he's telling the truth and he has a problem down below then he has to get it seen to and sorted out. It might be that he's too nervous about sorting this out but whatever it is, it cant continue. If he's lying about having something wrong and its just an excuse to avoid having sex with you then you have to tell him that he either makes an effort in this relationship or its over. You may have been together a long time but its better that you make a new life for yourself and be happy then stay with him and be unhappy because of the years you've had. So try talking to him. Say he either tells you the truth or its over. Good luck, let me know how it goes.x
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A
female
reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx +, writes (19 January 2007):
 You need to make him sort this out or walk. He is obviously having a rough time at the moment, maybe it's the drugs he's taking, or maybe he's acting up for another reason but you don't have to put up with this. You sound like you've made a massive effort to please him and to get him back interested in sex with you and he isn't paying any attention. I don't blame you for feeling so low but it's time to do something about it because he will continue to walk all over you if you don't.
By telling you he's 'got something', he's just trying to intrigue you and get you interested and the not tell you. Who knows what he means: is it another woman or maybe an STD? Who knows, but whatever it is, as his partner, you have a right to know. If he isn't willing to talk about something as serious as this, it seems to me he's made his decision and you need to do something.
It's not very often that I read a letter on here and feel genuinely sorry for someone and it seems to me that he's beat you down so much, you can't even see how horrible this all sounds to an outsider. Please get out of this relationship. I know it's been a long time but life is a long time too, too long to spend with someone who makes you so unhappy. Go and find someone who loves and respects you and appreciates what you do for them.
Good luck and let me know what you decide.
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