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He puts sex before my needs. Is it time to walk away?

Tagged as: Dating, Sex, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 December 2018) 5 Answers - (Newest, 18 December 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

My partner and I have been in a relationship for just over 3 years and have a two year old child. I’ve been struggling to hang onto our relationship for a while but when I try to tell him what I need in the relationship he makes it out as if he’s doing his best and I end up feeling like I’m asking too much. We’ve never lived together so all parental responsibility for our child has always been down to me. My current issue is that my needs are coming last and it’s having an effect on my health but he doesn’t think he’s asking too much. My daughter has just started nursery twice a week for two hours and my partner has wanted to have sex while she was away which in general I didn’t mind since she’s only been twice so far. Today is a bit different. I was working night shift last night and barely slept the night before due to my daughter waking to breastfeed a lot that night so when my daughter goes to nursery in an hour I was hoping to finally get an hours sleep. I haven’t slept at all; no nap before my shift or this morning when I got home, but when I told him that I want to sleep he responded with ‘I’ll be quick then you can have a nap’. Am I being overly sensitive because I’m tired and stressed or have I been right in thinking that he doesn’t give a toss about my needs?

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (18 December 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntTell him to have a w&nk. Sounds like that will do him just as well and will save you being used as a sex toy.

Yes, he IS being selfish, especially if (as I read it) he does not share the work involved in bringing up the child you created together. She should be as much his responsibility as she is yours, even if you did fall pregnant after only being in the relationship a very short time. (I hope you are using effective contraception now. I know some people think breast feeding is a contraceptive but this is far from effective.)

If you don't live together after 3 shared years and a child, do you think this relationship will EVER move forward? In your shoes, I would be questioning this man's commitment to you and your child and thinking seriously about whether you and your daughter don't deserve much better.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (18 December 2018):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe puts sex before your needs because you allow it. You’re effectively a single mother, so tell him to step up or you’ll leave him. Your daughter doesn’t need breastfeeding any more, so wean her off and sleep more. Use her time at nursery to recover from being a parent, not for having sex. You’re running on empty because your priorities are in the wrong order.

You got pregnant with a guy you barely knew and have now been left with the result: a baby daddy who doesn’t really do much for the baby. He should be doing at least 35% of the parenting, even if you don’t live together. He’s living like a single, child-free guy who’s hooking up with you, not a committed father of your baby. That’s because you allow him to not do anything and still give him what he wants: sex. You don’t HAVE to do this alone and stay with him. It’s better to do what you’re doing without him skating by parenting-free, asking for sex. Your free time is YOUR free time.

Your daughter needs STRONG and COMMITED role models, but you’re going to let her dad off the hook? Come on, OP. You’re a single mother with a “boyfriend” who just wants sex, not to actually parent what he helped create. You and your daughter deserve better. Tell him to step up as a parent or step down as your boyfriend, and you’ll get child support in place. How much does he pay now towards raising your child? How much parenting does he do? You reward him with sex for doing almost nothing that he SHOULD be doing. Time to MAKE your needs important - if they aren’t to him, then he’s not a good boyfriend to have. Your relationships should be good examples for your daughter and relationships SHE looks for when she’s older.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2018):

Is he good in other ways, is he supportive? is he a good father? why do you not live together?

Yes he was selfish and i would feel used in your shoe, Honeypie sums it all up brilliantly as usual on ways you can change things. But no he expected to have sex because that is what happened on the other occasions your daughter went to nursery. I get that couples need to make time to be intimate and you also thought it was okay the other times you have done it and yes it was but he expected it to be the norm to have sex in those times.

If you are a couple he could be cooking you a nice meal if you struggle to get a sitter, yes wean daughter off the boob and help yourself in that respect to get more sleep and rest.

I wouldn't say he should be dumped based just on that but communication is necessary here and effort made to make love at times that are good for you both.

Best of luck

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2018):

Darling, I’ve had this experience twice. How about asking Him to do things to help with his child and then he gets the sex. If he doesn’t help, then sorry you are too tired. Don’t fall for this, you can get pleasure anywhere else when you need it and are in the mood. Men sometimes get too comfortable with the woman doing Everything so please don’t let him unless he is helpful. Blessings for you, I hope everything gets better.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 December 2018):

Honeypie agony auntNo, I don't think you are being unreasonable.

My advice? WEAN your daughter. She is 2. There is VERY little (if any) needed nutritional value in your breast-milk now. All nursing is doing is draining you. Quite literally. UNLESS you feel it's important to continue. I'm just speaking from personal experience. I nursed my oldest for 19 months and it ended up just being draining. It was more of a habit for us both (my daughter and I) than actually necessary. AS soon at I weaned her I started getting 5-7 hours sleep at night, something I hadn't had for over 20 months. At least THAT is my experience. GOOD sleep makes SUCH a difference!

But of course that was a little off topic, sorry.

You need to tell him, NO. IF you are NOT in the mood for sex or you have a PRIORITY of NEEDING sleep, then sorry. It's OK to not always say yes. And if he can do it "real fast" he can go have a wank... seriously. Because THAT sex wouldn't be about you, for you or even really involving you, it's would just be him suing your body to get off.

What you CAN suggest is that HE finds someone to BABYSIT her, on a weekend night and you two can have a date night or just stay in bed enjoying each other.

But that would be dependent on how much you want to make this relationship work, or not.

He might want these intimate moments with you (even if he DARN WELL know you aren't in the mood) because he feels a bit left out when it comes to the baby. Not because you have pushed him away but because HE HASN'T stepped up.

If you still aren't living together, DO NOT have him over when she has her few hours at the nursery! Have some ME time! EVERYONE needs a little of that. Or on days she is NOT in the nursery, have HIM watch her while you take a nap, go for a walk/run, go to the gym, or just chill in the tub.

Also, see if your local gym have a babysitting area, and then start working out a little. It WILL give you some energy back.

You bf is being rather insensitive about this.

Make extra extra sure you DO NOT have any more kids with this man-child.

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