A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a relationship with a man for awhile now. There was that immediate spark and we being with him felt great and easy. He treated me better than anyone I had previously been with and made me happy. Gradually we started realizing more and more significant topics we are polar opposite on. The biggest to me is that I'm a devout Christian and he is agnostic/leaning towards atheism. I'm confused as to how our morals can line up given that big difference but he is truly one of the best people I've ever met. I keep thinking I can work through these things and then another issue comes up.The main problem I have is that he puts his family first over me every single time there's a choice between the two. He refuses to meet with my family so he can spend time at home. He'll cancel or delay plans with me to spend time with his brother. He sees his family much more than he sees me as we're living a bit of a distance from each other. I don't ask much of him, I don't expect him to suddenly start ditching his family all the time for me but I certainly do expect a grown man to not have such strong attachments to family members he sees multiple days a week. He flat out told me he will never come to a family dinner of mine if his parents are home and he can eat with them.This all culminated in a giant fight when he told me he would be upset to miss a weekend of hunting with his brother and best friend to go to my cousin's (who is my best friend since birth) wedding that I am in. He knows how much this wedding means to me and it will be the first time I'm introducing a boyfriend to my extended family. As a quick background, he hunts 4 months a year. I am only asking for one of those 16 weekends for something that is special and meaningful to me.If this is how he is acting a few months into a relationship, I can only assume things will get worse over time and I will never be a priority. Am I wrong for feeling like this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2016): I was married to someone just like that. I made excuses for him and tried to be patient. It was all about him. He would tell me that he preferred his sister's advice on subjects to do with the running of our house, rather than mine. He would compare how well I did the housework to her. When I was badly ill with cancer and had returned home after an operation on my neck, he still took his daughter and sister out to dinner having dropped me off with my parents. When I had a second very large cancer operation and his mother was ill at the same time, he mostly stayed by her side. I think no matter how long the time, finding it impossible to leave his parents for one night to meet yours is showing that is is quite similar to my ex. His brother was always flying in from his home abroad and he would cancel plans with me to be with him. They have no friends outside their family. Everyone else is an outsider, not as good as them and eventually seen off. None of the marriages have lasted and all they complain subtly about people to start the rot. I would start distancing myself, but certainly tell him gently but firmly how you feel first and give him a chance to consider.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 June 2016):
 The biggest problem is NOT your religious differences. BTW those of us who are not religious are often still very moral and ethical. Religion is not required for those traits.
Your blaming his choices on his lack of religion when in all honesty I would deem a man that close to his family as "more religious" IF religion had anything to do with this.
What this is, my dear is a case of "he's just not that into you"
Why I say that? Because when HE meets the right woman for HIM he will happily go to weddings and meet her family and give up one out of 16 weekends of his favorite sport for her.
YOU are not that girl for him.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (14 June 2016):
 I don't think you should date any other men, just in case you are official (ask him, if you don't know).
How long have you been with him? He may think it's too soon to go to a wedding and meet everyone. He may not feel ready to meet your family for dinner, though he put it rudely.
Like I said in my first response, your religious differences only really matter when raising children. The issue here is that your priorities are different and he doesn't seem as invested as you. *Ask* him why he feels the way he does. Use proper communication to find out where you're both at in this relationship. If he can't do that, though, I'd break up with him because communication is important.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2016): I'm not really sure why this is such a difficult question for you. You said you've got your priorities and he's pointed out what his are, you know your religious requirements and he has his. So if those two don't match very well, and you add on the problem of how each of you want to spend your time, it's just not a good match. So are you wrong for feeling ignored by him, well if he promised to give you all of his time, no, you aren't wrong.
But it sounds like he didn't actually promise that, so if you've been dating him for a while, well take that on as kind of a learning experience, say goodbye to him and find a guy whose goals, priorities, religion and all the other important life matching factors line up with yours. Consider it a lucky save, that you didn't marry the guy
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (13 June 2016):
It might be too soon to introduce each other to families. Or at least, he might be the one who feels like that. Have you met his family as well? Or has he gone out his way to introduce you?
He is clearly very close with his family and that is something I can admire. I think it speaks volumes for the type of person he is.
As you said, it is a few months into the relationship so give it more time, and ask him why he does not want to meet your family. Express to him of the importance those events are to you. Communication will always be better than expectations.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (13 June 2016):
 Putting your religion to one side because that should not matter, lets concentrate on the relationship? What are you getting out of it? Are you really happy with what he has to offer? At this time in his life he is very much attached to his family and that does not sound like it is going to change any time soon, he is being selfish if he won't even go for dinner with you and your parents in case his parents are eating at home alone. You need to decide if this is what you want, my guess is not and that you should finish with him and be honest about why you are doing it, he probably needs to hear the truth.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (13 June 2016):
 Well, he appears to be stating quite definitely what he will, and will not do. So, the ball is in your court. Will you accept the terms or will you tell him thanks but this deal is not for me?
As far as your faith goes it is worth remembering that Jesus didn't spend his time with religious people. He chose fishermen, prostitutes and beggars. If I remember correctly he got quite upset with the priests and holy men.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2016): Well, this should be fair warning as to how far this relationship is going. He doesn't want to meet your family, and it's all about his. That is blatantly selfish.
He dismisses your every request, and does as he pleases. You don't say how long you've been with this guy. If he hasn't met your family, apparently not very long. If you live a distance apart, and he doesn't seem to care to go out of his way for you; I'd say he's not that into you.
Your relationship is lopsided. It's so much about him, and so little about you. He won't even compromise to please you.
Now as for your spiritual values, I'd say you're not "evenly yoked." He doesn't share your values and now things are starting to build to arguments. It's an incompatible situation, and because he treats you better than some have up to know, doesn't mean he deserves any prizes. He sounds like a jerk. You just get along. You don't sound like people falling in-love. You're making all the effort, because you want a man. Don't settle, girlfriend. You've listed too many cons and not many pros.
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (13 June 2016):
 I'm also an atheist but I think religion actually doesnt plays very little into chemistry with a person(given that youre a mature adult and not a fanatic).Sounds like you've hit a block road with him. If he is cancelling plans to be with his family, you really have to think what its like being married to him. I wonder if he seems you as someone he is only dating casually and not necessarily as someone serious ---- he treats you as a side option and his many other hobbies like hunting or being with family seems to be more important. I'd say if you still like him, dont end it but pull back. Stop initiating, just STOP.Give him space. Breathe, start dating other men (no youre not cheating because it doesnt sound like you guys are no where near being officially together). Have fun, date, meet your girlfriends...enjoy life. Maybe head to church and find someone who has same faith. If he misses and comes back and chooses you over his hobbies, thats great. If not, you can move on. Only by withdrawing, giving him space and having time to think can you really see his actions clearly. And dont wait around for him to decide, go out and enjoy your life! You are the prize here. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 June 2016):
Being religious doesn't give you morals. You know how many people of different religions aren't remotely morally decent. Your morals could be the same; it's your beliefs that would be different; believing in God doesn't make anyone a decent person, just like not believing doesn't make them a bad person. The main time religion comes between people is when it comes to raising children, so that's really what you'll need to know.As for ditching you for his family frequently, that's a valid issue. It's great that he's so close to his family, but your plans shouldn't become common to have your plans cancelled or delayed for him to be with them. That's something you need to talk to him about. I also think it's just plain rude of him to say he'd never have dinner with your family if he could be with his own. That's part of being in a relationship. As for the wedding, he may just not like weddings - especially as he refuses to meet your family any time he could be with his.I don't think this is remotely a religious thing; it's a core incompatibility in priorities. I do think it will stay this way. It's your choice what to do about that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2016): Hi there. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, and you aren't wrong for being frustrated. First of all, I read most of your post totally agreeing you (except the morals thing. I am an atheist as we can have strong morals too!) but on your last paragraph you mention you are a few months into the relationship. I think it's fine for him to prioritze family at this stage. I think your cousins wedding is a big occasion so smething he could make an exception for, but perhaps at this early stage meeting extended family is daunting? I've been with my partner for years, we are happy, we live together, but when we started dating we didn't meet ANY of each other's family for over 6 months. In previous relationships it's been a matter of weeks, but everyone is different and sometimes it's nice to take things slow, it doesn't mean he cares less of you. I would give it some time. If later when it's more serious things remain the same, you should have a conversation with him about it.
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