A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last year I was seeing someone for over a year (we were friends for 3 years prior to dating) and we broke it off because he had some issues with alcohol. That issue has become a lot better. We started hanging out again in May and have been trying to make things work again.I've given it 3 months, but unfortunately things just aren't the same between us anymore. He has changed a lot in many other ways. He has a bad temper now and I'm not sure if he just didn't show this side when we were together or maybe this temper has developed over time. Why do you think his temper is showing now and it didn't before? You'd think if he was trying to make things work, he'd be doing things differently? He's extremely moody, unpredictable and often becomes verbally abusive towards me. Swearing and put downs are common but then when he calms himself, he apologises profusely.The other issue is he doesn't keep his word any more. He NEVER used to stand me up or be late but now there seems to be other more important things to do on his agenda. He often arranges times to meet and organises things to do but plans are changed or he forgets. Why is he doing this now and he didn't before?I asked him if he wants to actually be together and he tells me how much he adores me and doesn't want to let me go. The way I see it though is....if he wanted to see me that badly, he wouldn't be changing plans and standing me up? What's going on here? And no there is no other woman, I'm close with his friends and family and they would have told me, plus he's not like that.What is going on? The truth is I love him and I know he loves me too, but I think I love the 'old' him more. Should I hope that things get better or move on?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2014): I would move on because you want a good life a happy life full of laughter and love, not a hell hole filled with fear and blackness, a place that you get trapped in and spiral down and down with the person you want to save. A place that can only chip at your self esteem and one day you wake up and you don't know who you are any more.
It is unhealthy and can and only get worse. Get out while you can still see and feel, over time when you live with an abusive partner (with or without drink) your health deteriorates every thing falls away that was good. Abuse is abuse, full stop!
let him alone with himself where he can't hurt anyone or himself, and move on.
Your future is your choice.
A
female
reader, mystiquek  + ♥, writes (29 July 2014):
 Alcoholics are horrible people to try to have a relationship with. It sounds like he used alcohol as a crutch and maybe he's quit drinking but it doesn't mean that the problems he had have gone away. Dry drunks can be extremely mean people. I know..I was married to an alcoholic. They can quite abusive both mentally and physically. Why subject yourself to this? He needs help and you can't force him to get it. Take it from someone who has lived the life..walk away. Being around someone like him will not be a happy carefree life in any way shape or form unless he gets help.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (29 July 2014):
 Sounds to me like he was using the alcohol to "self medicate" which is very common with folks.
He needs a complete medical and psych eval to figure out if he has some sort of disorder that will respond to medication.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (29 July 2014):
 Not sure why he drank before, (other then maybe socially?) but my guess is, he used it to medicate himself. THAT can be part of why you didn't see the abusive side of him.
He is no longer "medicating" himself so his TRUE self is showing. And not a very nice side.
How he was able to hide that "meaner" side of him before might have been because you two were "just" friends. It's quite possible that he didn't show that side because he KNOWS it's scary, but as MANY women don't WALK AWAY from guys like this, when they DATE or MARRY them.
YOU said you wanted to give it 3 months. YOU did. Now you are at a crossroads where you can CONTINUE down a road with a guy, that turned out DIFFERENTLY than you thought. HE is not going to change.
WHY in the NAME of love should you continue to date a guy who is VERBALLY abusive to you? Who can't be bothered to show for planned dates, who is moody and unpredictable? DO you think loving him will "FIX" him? And all the while, while you TRY and fix him you should just love him and suck up the abuse? Because he apologize AFTERWARDS.. profusely? (IT IS STILL BEING VERBALLY ABUSIVE) Does that really sound like a good relationship to you? Does it sound healthy? Like it's going places?
I think it's only downhill from here. And I think you need to accept that THIS is who he is. And that you CAN NOT fix him.
You stay and suck it up, THIS is going to be the norm. He will ABUSE you verbally for whatever reason, and occasionally he will apologize - JUST to keep you placated, but it will without doubt escalate into more abuse and you... will start to think that THIS is how it is. That you somehow DESERVES this... Put yourself first. Use common sense.
I'd end it. You tried. It wasn't what you had hoped it to be. HE needs to sort himself out and you... YOU deserve more and better.
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