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He punched and body slammed me several times... but he was drunk!

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (1 September 2009) 8 Answers - (Newest, 19 September 2009)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

My husband of two years seem so perfect for me until we moved together in 2005 he choked, body slammed and punched me several times but only when he was drunk. I saw the signs but still married him in 2007 because he said he would stop drinking. These was isolated incidents only 3-4 times when he would drink, he would have a crazy drunken weekend then stop again.

My 3 kids from a previous relationship love him so much they have never even seen us argue he’s always nice to them and provides everything they need. My ex husbands has financially a banded them. I feel like I lost myself I was strong, independent and successful. Now my only income is what he gives me. 7 months ago he got drunk, doing an argument I got into bed and ignored him, he grabbed the bat that we kept for intruders and struck me in the head, I thought I would die, blood was everywhere I beggrd him to get me some help, he looked so evil and kept saying he will hit me again, so I started to pray then I convinced him to get me a towel, when he left out I called 911 and set the phone down so they could hear my pleas. the police came quickly he was arrested.

I hid the bat, convinced the cops he hit me with his hands, went and bailed him out. I thought that would prove my love so we would be happily ever after. He has to take domestic violence classes pay 300 in fines and he’s done. He hasn’t really hit me since that night a few hours ago he threatened to hit me now he says he didn’t mean it. He’s such a good provider he actually makes me very happy when he’s sober. I’m not sure how to make him quit drinking for good. At times I want to leave but I can’t find work, how will I support my kids and I may be pregnant now.

View related questions: be pregnant, drunk, my ex, violent

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A male reader, IHateWomanBeaters United States +, writes (19 September 2009):

IHateWomanBeaters agony auntI would like to say that there are men that are not like him. There are men, friends of yours perhaps, that would gladly help you get out of the situation. These are the people you should be with.

I'll admit, I got arrested 4 days after you made your post. However, I got arrested for being party boy for halloween. I did not get arrested for hitting a woman and battering her emotionally, because I feel empty inside. I did not harm anyone, etc.

Find yourself a good guy. You can do better than that, no matter what he has said to you. No matter how many times he has hurt you. No matter what he has done to you. You are still a woman with her own gifts, talents, beauty, and worth.

You have the right to be happy.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2009):

I also agree with shanika. If he finds out you've been seeking the help/advise of outsiders, it will just give him another excuse to beat you over.

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A female reader, SHANIKA United Kingdom +, writes (1 September 2009):

I forgot to say,if an argument starts and your in the kitchen,or anywhere where there are weapons or where there is no outside door,try and move out of the area and plan the route you will use to escape the house in an emergancy and reherse it if possible

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A female reader, SHANIKA United Kingdom +, writes (1 September 2009):

girl,please delete this site off your browser history when you've finished on here-I imagine if he knew you were on here talking about him he would go mental-from the sound of it,this man dosen't want to quit drinking-he may say whatever he needs to to keep you around,but he has to admit to himself that he has a problem first-no one will make him do that,he'll realize on his own if and when the time comes.In the meantime,he will continue to be violent and it will probably get worse,which is dangerous-what you described is SERIOUS domestic violence-the police have specific procedures for dealing with victims of domestic violence-one of these is a risk assesment- if you google this you see that choking and striking someone with an object comes under high risk behaviour-baisically more women that have had this stuff done to them have been killed by their partner than women whose partner has hit them with their hands-you probably know this stuff from when you called the police,right.The best thing for your children would be to leave the home and pray that one day he sorts himself out,but I understand this is easier said than done-if you are gonna end up staying with him,my advice is to look up an emergancy helpline number,now,and memorize it-do NOT write it down in case he finds it and knows what it is-when you've finished on the internet,delete the sites that are likely to cause an incident off your browser history-but never delete the whole history.memorize a list of belongings you'd need to take with you if you had to temporarily leave the home in an emergancy-and make sure you know where it all is but DON'T pack it or move anything out of the house-if he was to find a bag or that your birth certificate ect was missing,it could be dangerous.If you have to leave very quickly,just grab your kids and run,you can always get the police or someone to escourt you back to the house to collect your things.As far as finding a job is concerned,I wouldn't look while you're with him-working would mean leaving the kids alone with him and I'm sorry to say it,but with his previous behaviour you never know,even if he seems to dote on them now.If you leave,it looks like you'll have to claim benefits until you find something-look into what youre entitled to now,it should be enough to get by for now-you hear about people with five and six kids managing on benefits-hope I've been of some help,and good luckx

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (1 September 2009):

Honeypie agony auntIs he manic depressive?

And sorry honey, but you lying for him and bailing him out of jail is not loving him, it is enabling him to continue to beat you up when drunk.

WHAT will your kids do if you get killed in one of his drunken stupors?

He obviously have some serious issues, with anger and with alcohol.

You need to think MORE about being alive for your kids then the money he brings home.

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A female reader, kayla20 United Kingdom +, writes (1 September 2009):

kayla20 agony auntMy mother always said to me if a man ever hits you get out of the relationship straight away no matter how you feel for him because he will always do it again because he knows he can. I have always followed my mothers advice and it seems to be true. No matter how nice he can be when he is sober he will not get the help with his drinking therefore it will be ongoing which isnt good for your state of mind,self esteem or your children. I understand it is hard to find work but it does become available and you should try hard now to get into a trade to support your children, the government will always help with living if your desperate for it and homeless, i no, no one really wants to go down that road but sometimes you have to. I think you should get out as soon as you can because whose to know when his going to do this again and it could be worse next time he could kill you. He is a bully with issues and i think hel have to hit rock bottom before he realises he has a true problem and gets it sorted maybe he needs jail. If you need to confide in someone there are helplines you can call or there are refuges you can go to for protection.good luck x

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A female reader, Honeygirl South Africa +, writes (1 September 2009):

Honeygirl agony auntGet out of this marriage before your husband kills you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2009):

I've seen relationships like this before and i could go into detail but i haven't got time so all i will say is this, he's obviously got problems as to why he treats you this way, but if he's not willing to identify or get help for his issues then things are not going to change, and will probably get worse. You say your children don't see you arguing, but believe me they pick up on negative vibes and atmospheres. I would suggest you take yourself and your children and leave before he ends up killing you. Take care!

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