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He masturbates to my cousin's naked pics! I'm so angry about this..am I over reacting?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 June 2009) 23 Answers - (Newest, 13 October 2009)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I have a 20 year old cousin who works as a model. Recently I found my husband keeps naked pictures of her in his sock drawer. We see her at family gatherings and I'm scared he will want to have an affair with her. She flirts a lot with him but she is like that with a lot of people. My husband says its just a harmless fantasy but I feel sick at the thought of him masturbating to her naked pictures. I am angry at him for being so dismissive. Am I overreacting?

View related questions: affair, cousin, flirt, nude pictures

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A male reader, NoLvLck United States +, writes (13 October 2009):

Speaking as a guy who hangs out-conversations about desires for which women are actually directed more on people they know whether a co-worker, an acquiantance, a friend's gf or wife, a sexy neighbor and in this case a wife's relative. The fantasy of models that truly are "in your dreams" kind is true to younger males like teenagers who hasn't had any or much experience with a real woman and magazines are just what's available. The other group has had their own share with dating and relationships. They are catered more into reality. The possibility this fantasy could happen and they do happen sometimes.

So to answer this blog. Yes you are not over reacting. Be cautious about how much communication and interaction is really going on but maintain your proper decorum so no matter what happens in the end your integrity is intact and could stay or walk away and hold your head up high. Because whether we like it or not affairs, cheating, infidelity is happening left and right, both men and women. Why or what had to be done is another subject matter. One day you may encounter someone and all of a sudden you are put in a tight situation whether to have an affair or not!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2009):

You are NOT over reacting honey. My advice is if he treats you well and you feel loved by him AND you have a healthy sex life. Then I wouldn't make a big issue of it. Ultimately you can't control what he thinks of when he is beating off. Making an issue of it will only make him more private with his fantasies. Do you communicate openly about sex? If you do I would ask him what specifically turned him on about her. Then try to incorporate that into sex with him. Fantasies are normal and healthy. Keep the communication open with him and be forgiving.

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A female reader, islandgirl United States +, writes (25 June 2009):

islandgirl agony auntYou're not overreacting at all! I think its fine for men to have their fun and look at pics of girls they know they'll never meet(in healthy doses of course) but this isn't that at all. Not only does he know the girl he's getting off to, but it happens to be a family member of yours.

I'm not sure how you would go about putting a stop to this but here's a suggestion: put away or throw away her pics and take some of your own. Don't tell him of course because the surprise of him finding beautiful picture of his own lover instead of what he thought he was gonna look at might spice things up a bit;-)

Make it work for ya girl. show him u got it too. and let me know how this turns out whether you take my advice or not:-)

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009):

Right the fact that you asked this Question seems that your looking cfor a justifcation for your husbands behaviour but at the end of the day its wrong! men can have fantasies thats not wrong and the fact she model makes it seem well men woulod like her... but he should understand your feelings and ask him how he would like it if you wanted to get off with his cousin... and the fact he calls it a fantasies seems he really wants her... i feel sorry for you (no offence ment)... you need to tell him str8 or go find your fantasie guy. ITS NOT ACCEPTABLE..

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A female reader, eyeswideopen United States +, writes (24 June 2009):

eyeswideopen agony auntI'm with Bobbles, what kind of "model" is your cousin?

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A female reader, That Fragile Capricorn United States +, writes (24 June 2009):

That Fragile Capricorn agony auntYou are definitely not over reacting. Honestly, I would be the same way. This could develop into something, I'm not trying to get you paranoid or anything, but it may accidentally happen one day. Then you'll hear all he excuse "oh, we were drunk" or something related to the matter. I would be extremely cautious when they're together. But you also have to trust your partner, or else they'll be hurt and maybe be even more tempted to do something. But you have every right to feel the way you do. Just hang in there.

Good Luck.

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A female reader, Samii United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2009):

Samii agony auntYou are definately not over-reactin us girls accept that men masturbate ovber things but when it is someone you know and lov ethen this crosses the line. You get him telt straight girl. xx

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A female reader, Sweet-thing United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2009):

Sweet-thing agony auntNo you're not over-reacting. You feel betrayed. Many of us would. I know it feels as though you've been replaced as his number #1 sexual fantasy. Plus you both know this woman, how awkward is that? I think you should keep an eye on the situation and not allow them to be alone for any reason. I do think things could develop. I mean, most guys only jack off to women they see in magazines, fat chance they'll actually bump into one of them and have a conversation that could go somewhere....but this woman is part of your family. Things could happen. I hope he's stronger than his lustful fantasies appear to be.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009):

You are not overreacting. All men masturbate, and most men watch porn, but when it's someone you know, that definitely crosses a red line.

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A female reader, kaylagal United States +, writes (24 June 2009):

kaylagal agony auntYou're not over-reacting, I, too, would be livid. Maybe it's just a fantasy for him, although it's too close to home. I suggest you get a third party to handle this, like a pastor or counselor. He doesn't see it the way you do, and no matter how you explain it to him, he won't get it. But if someone else explains it, he might understand..

Good luck.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009):

Heck no!! You have the right to be upset, and mad, and everything! He needs to get rid of those pictures and do some serious explaining and apologizing!!

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A female reader, bobbles32 Canada +, writes (24 June 2009):

bobbles32 agony auntQuestion- How did he get naked pictures of your cousin? Is she a nude model?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009):

I have no idea how to rectify this situation, but I do know it's wrong! He needs to start by getting rid of those pictures!

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A male reader, Beingblack United Kingdom +, writes (24 June 2009):

Beingblack agony auntI think that there are several questions that you need to answer about your own reaction. What is it that you are angry about? Is it the fact that you know your husband masturbates? Is it because the woman in question happens to be your cousin? Or was it because she is naked? Or because you think he has betrayed you in some way? Do you feel that he desires her more than you? Would you feel better if he masturbated over your naked picture? Is it because he obviously tried to hide this all from you? How about a combination of all the above?

Men masturbate because they are easily aroused. At times, very easily aroused. And believe me, it could be ANYTHING that sets men off. Don't think for one second that your husband has any serious ideas about your cousin. It really is a harmless fantasy. Something about her picture arouses him. It could be her body, her eyes, the way she looks, the way her body is positioned. But be safe in the knowledge that it isn't actually HER. He uses the picture to start off, then something else to 'get off'. Ask him what it is. If he's honest, sex will be awesome from now on.

By the way, what caused you to go through his sock drawer?

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A female reader, TwiggyCA United States +, writes (24 June 2009):

TwiggyCA agony auntMaybe the fellows can answer better, but from my(female) perspective... I would be upset! It's one thing when it's a fantasy (i.e. some unknown or distant model/actress), but when it's a familiar person (family member!), that's too much. Ask if he will please, for you mental well being, replace them with whatever playboy/penthouse/etc material. I wouldn't care so much about that, but to know that my man is fantasising about someone so in reach is not good. And yes, probably my bf has fantasised about my cousin or friend, but not in such a blatant, disrespectful way. You can put your foot down on this one and know that you're in the right.

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A female reader, thatgothgirl20 United States +, writes (24 June 2009):

thatgothgirl20 agony auntNo. I think that you are not overreacting. He has dismissed your concerns. Now what are you going to do about this?

You have two routes-Counseling, or divorced, depending on how much this has repulsed you....

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009):

I'm with g1605. No advice, but I don't think you're overreacting. That is what you asked though, so at least I have an answer to your direct question.

Man... I'd be pissed. Especially if he was dismissive and saw no harm in it.

~SY.

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A male reader, heartfullalove Ireland + , writes (24 June 2009):

heartfullalove agony auntNo, you're not over-reacting at all. This is completely unacceptable in the context of any committed relationship.

He 'says it's just a harmless fantasy' - this indicates that you've confronted him about it. I'd be intrigued to know what else he had to say, and were you forceful enough in letting him know how you feel about it?

The worst-case scenario is that he's having sex with her. The least worst is that he's just fantasising about it. Either way, doesn't sound good.

At any rate, you can't let him get away with telling you his behaviour is 'harmless'. My guess is that you haven't been forceful enough. See how 'dismissive' he is if you tell him you want a divorce, or refuse to have sex with him, or are also fantasing about other men.

I confess I'm otherwise stuck for constructive advice, though. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

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A female reader, advicegem United States +, writes (24 June 2009):

advicegem agony auntYou just need to ask yourself if you can trust your husband or not. Your cousin doesn't really come into it as he can walk away regardless of what temptations she may throw his way.

To me, it sounds like what he said it is, a harmless fantasy. The fact that he is being dismissive about it also sounds like a good thing because guilt usually results in a defensive or angry response.

My thoughs are that her pictures are readily available to him, and the fact that he knows her makes her real. He knows she actually looks like that and he knows she's a cool person (I assume!) so it's a way for him to enhace his fantasy from the nameless, essentially faceless models in playboy.

Bottom line... trust him. If you are really uncomfortable with it, let him know... but approach it in a joking way, not a jealous way because it will sound like you are accusing him of something. I think fantasys and flirting are very healthy activities as long as that's where it ends and you go home to the person that matters to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009):

The fact that is your cousin makes the issue more unconfortable than usually it is. No,you are not overreacting, is not the same thing that he masturbates with a porn magazine with total strangers than to do it with someone he talks and meets ocassionally.

It´s just a step away of cheating physically. You decide if you are willing to cope with that or tell him to take a hike. Sorry!

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A male reader, Emerald2000 Canada +, writes (24 June 2009):

Well, you have a right to be upset, it's how you feel after all. But if you're looking for advice from a man's perspective I can tell you that it probably doesn't mean anything.

Men are soooo visually oriented. We like to look at women's bodies - it's just the way we're wired. It does not reflect at all about how we feel about our gfs. We don't love or respect you any less and we certainly aren't comparing. I'm not saying you should be happy about it, obviously you're not. But I am saying he is probably being truthful when he says it is harmless.

He is probably very embarrassed though he won't admit it and if you cut him some slack he'll probably get rid of them. If you expect him not to look at naked women he will just go underground and if you think your next bf will be any better he won't.

Knowing what I know, I'd tell him how you feel but leave it alone and focus on how he treats you. Does he love you, respect you, show interest in you, make you laugh, etc. If you are measuring men by whether they look at naked girls or not (even if it's cousin because while it's a bit tacky it doesn't really matter to us, it's just a naked girl) then you had better think about switching teams and becoming a lesbian because we'd all fail that test.

Hope you don't mind the honesty ...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009):

No I don't think you are overreacting. Porn is one thing, it's women he will never meet and never have even kind of a chance. BUT this girl is someone he knows in person and even flirts with (not to mention she is your cousin!) Tell him you don't appreciate it at all, maybe he's being dismissive because he doesnt realize how much it's really bothering you. Since its a big deal to you, it should be to him... I think he should be considerate of these kinds of things. Don't let him dismiss it next time since its causing you grief!

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A female reader, babymama99 United States +, writes (24 June 2009):

babymama99 agony auntI don't think you are overreacting. its one thing when its some movie star that he will never have a snowballs chance in hell of ever meeting much less have an affair with. but its another thing when the person is someone who he has access to. him masterbating to her naked picture says that he is at least lusting after her, which means that given the chance he would live out that "fantasy".

I hope all goes well, and it seems that the cousin flirts with everyone so she may see him as just another person to flirt with, so hopefully nothing will come of this.

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