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He loves porn more than he loves me. Is it normal to be so upset about this situation?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Pornography, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 March 2015) 4 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2015)
A female United Kingdom age 18-21, anonymous writes:

My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 3 years, and the whole of our relationship he has never been able to have an orgasm during intercourse.

He says it was the same with his previous partners and it's not just me. But he is the only person I have slept with and I cant help thinking it must be my fault - he's in his 20's, it shouldn't be a problem.

He has admitted to me that he watches a lot of porn, and it upsets me that he gets more pleasure watching random girls online than he will ever get with me

Porn is such a problem in our relationship, it upsets and scares me - I don't like to think of the future with him anymore because how can it work?

How could I live in the same house as him knowing I could just walk in on him watching that at any time

It became such a problem that I gave him an ultimatum, explained to him why it upset me so much and asked him to stop, or cut down at least.

He chose porn.

He said he wouldn't change for anyone. So we broke up for a while.

But I missed him too much and we got back together.

Now I don't know what to do. I can't just stop thinking about it. Is it normal to get so upset about it? He says he loves me, But I just know he loves porn more.

View related questions: broke up, got back together, orgasm, porn

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (30 March 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntThe issue - as you've noted in your submittal - is this:

"He chose porn.

He said he wouldn't change for anyone. So we broke up for a while.

But I missed him too much and we got back together.

Now I don't know what to do."

What you "need to do" is decide IF you are going to acquiesce to his porn desires (and, necessarily, continue in the sexual desert that you've described as your "love-life")... OR if you are, finally, going to make good on that threat, and LEAVE.

I'd suggest the latter....

Good luck...

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

So_Very_Confused agony auntYou gave him a choice... you asked him to cut down. he didn't

YOU WENT BACK. You no longer have the right to ask him to stop or cut back on his porn usage and you going back has made it clear that you don't really mean it. (in actions)

Yes i know it bothers you and you don't want to be with a guy that is addicted to porn. But you are.

IF you can't cope with his porn usage (and that's fine) and he's made it clear he won't give it up (or can't) then your only choice is to leave him.

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (30 March 2015):

N91 agony auntI have had this problem for a LONG time. Out of 17 girls only 2 have ever been able to orgasm. The first girl I slept with and the one that I'm currently sleeping with.

I think a lot of this was due to not being relaxed enough with the person I was sleeping with as a lot of them were one night stands. Are you and your partner having other problems in the relationship ? Could he be stressed? Not as in love as he used to be?

I don't think my problem was that much related to porn as I wouldn't say I masterbate any more than average. Although your bf this seems to be his problem, have you tried asking him what feels good for him or what makes him come close if he does ?

I literally thought I never thought it would happen again for me, but when I put it to the back of my mind and stopped thinking about it and relaxing during sex it has now started happening 95% of the time.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (30 March 2015):

YouWish agony auntHe's addicted to porn. He's gotten too used to the grip of his hand and his mind too artificially overstimulated to respond naturally to intercourse. It's not you, nor are you competing with porn stars.

He is so addicted that he's willing to drop a relationship for porn. People have done that with alcoholism or drug use, where their brain is so addled by the addiction that they'll do anything for their drug of choice. In his case, the endorphins (short for endogenous morphine) his brain secretes during stimulation and orgasm fill in for that drug. And just like the drug, he needs more and more of it just to get that "high". If we keep to the drug analogy, say that you are a martini. Martinis are delicious, and a good one will make anyone feel good. Imagine that he's had years worth of alcoholism. A martini for him would be like water to you. You're the martini and he's used to 5 pints of straight vodka per day.

You need to leave him for good, because you going back on your word to leave him the first time is now enabling him. Can you really stand a lifetime of sexless marriage??

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