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He loves another, and I want to support him despite loving him

Tagged as: Friends, Three is a crowd<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 February 2011) 3 Answers - (Newest, 21 February 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

It seems too common a trap, I know, but I've completely fallen for a guy who loves someone else. I apologize now for the length.

He is not from America, and the girl he loves is back home. He dated her for a long time and proposed several times, but she always turned him down - the relationship was not good/healthy for him, from what he has told me. She planned to marry another guy, but life happened and now she's changed her mind because marrying him is "the most reasonable option" as he describes.

He still loves her, and before he came to America they talked and generally made the agreement that they would marry (not an official proposal-acceptance, which would have been a big deal in his country). They talk approximately weekly, and sometimes she is kind and acts like she wants to be with him, and at other times she is cold and distant. It is obvious - he admits this - that she does not care for him as much as he does for her.

He knows how I feel about him, and he feels very strongly for me too. We do have a "psuedo-relationship" going on. It is more of a temporary, for-the-moment relationship because in about a year she plans to come to America too. I am hurt and torn, not because I don't understand or because I think I'm better (I just want him to be happy), I just don't know how to get over it.

He feels guilty, I feel guilty, but our attraction to each other is so strong that everything else gets blocked out. We talk and are great friends as well; we really understand each other despite language barriers and cultural differences. I've never met anyone like him, but it is all pointless because he made up his mind before he even met me. He comes to me with questions about how he should handle things with her. He asks how he can improve himself as a guy, and I answer honestly even though it isn't for my benefit. He asks me if he shouldn't discuss her with me for my sake, but I believe it is his right to ask questions. As his friend I'll help him any way I can. He knows it bothers me though. Sometimes we cuddle, holding each other after we've talked about it, and all he can say is he's sorry. It takes all of my will power to hold back tears and tell him that I'll be ok and that I will support him regardless (I genuinely mean that, I'm not lying).

What can I do to cope with these emotions? I want him to be happy, even if it is not with me. I know his mind is made up; I'll treasure the time we have now. I just want to be the supportive friend he needs and not hinder his chances with this other relationship because of my emotional connection to him.

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A male reader, idoneitagain Australia +, writes (21 February 2011):

Unconditional love is the true nature of love, free from all need, desire and attachment. Its easier said than done, but it is what you are trying to give him, and that in itself is so commendable, its lovely really. Unconditional love is its own reward, and the reward in giving it is the person you choose to be and to become in the world. And the whole world benifits from it. When you give lovingly in the midst of your own difficult feelings, having to put aside your own desires, you will also learn a lot about yourself and the nature of love.

When loving, remember to love yourself as well as other people in your life. When you give this guy your love, don't forget to be kind and loving to yourself too.

Love is also a different thing from having a relationship. In your case, your love might in the end win his heart and you might have the relationship you want with him. He might leave her when she comes to America and sees that she does not love him like you do. Or he may leave you and be with her as he says he intends to. Generally I would say it is wise to put your energy into relationships where you recieve the same love that you give, and that it is best to give your heart to someone who is able to give you theirs in return. Love all, but don't pursue relationships where you can't be loved back in the way you deserve. If he can't love you as a romantic partner, your love can be expressed fully as friends, without desire. The difficult emotions you are experiencing are your feelings of desire and need for him, to have him as yours. If you can develope the capacity to not hold him captive, for him to be free to love you or this other woman, and not let his choice change your love for him or diminish your own completeness as a loving human, and sense of self worth and confidence, you will have learned what it really means to love someone. Love might even guide your way to the relationship you seek, whether it be with him or someone else, but most importantly it will make you a loving human being in the world, and the world needs as many people like that as possible, they are in short supply.

One more thing. Although this guy sounds like he is being very honest and upfront about things, he could be openly using you, with your knowledge and permission. You need to decide whether this is the case, and if he is, ask why you are allowing yourself to be used by him. You could just be friends, right? In this way, you might not be giving yourself the love you deserve, from yourself.

Good luck.

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A female reader, No watered down advice here! United States +, writes (21 February 2011):

No watered down advice here! agony auntNo matter how sincere you are you’ll always find yourself on the hurt end of this relationship. Once she comes to America, he’s going to put his all into his relationship, in his mind she will eventually fall in-love with him, therefore you need to prepare yourself for that. By preparing I would suggest you start to move away from him, get involved in something you enjoy doing and keep yourself busy. Loving a man won’t make him love you back, no matter how BIG your love is for him. You deserve to be loved! Always remember you deserve to be LOVED too! Good luck!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011):

It's difficult to get a feel of the situation without an unbiased report (which is simply not possible). But it would seem that she is "settling" for him, a poor foundation for any relationship. Also, the limited amount of contact between the two is troubling. However, it is important to remember that in the end, it's his life, and you can only influence it so much.

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