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He looks at incest porn! What does it mean?

Tagged as: Family, Pornography, Sex, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 July 2008) 14 Answers - (Newest, 22 September 2013)
A female Australia age 26-29, *va_53 writes:

I have recently discovered that my boyfriend of three years has been looking up incest porn, specifically the mother/son type.

Needless to say I was quite freaked out by this and have confronted him about it. He said that it isn't what turns him on and that I have nothing to worry about, and that he was only reading it because it was there. However, when I was looking through the history on the computer, I found that it was not exactly a one time thing.

I was concerned about his relationship with his mother before I discovered this, but now I am wondering what I should do.

Please give me some answers about why he would look at this porn and if there is any way that it would mean that he doesn't want to have sex with his mother.

View related questions: incest, porn

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A male reader, Jjott United States +, writes (22 September 2013):

Everyone needs to consider that maybe he isn't actually into incest porn, he might just like seeing older women with younger men because he likes older women. Sometimes men simplify searches in such a manner...

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2012):

This question is years old, but I'll share my answer for those out there whom the question also applies to.

I have an incest fetish, and I've had it for a very long time. I don't want to waste time with too much detail, but it started when I was pretty young. To put it simply, I'd have sex with my mom and my sister. I find them both sexually attractive.

The main problem, I think, is that people think an incest fetish is a sign of character. But like with any other fetish or fantasy, it's not a choice that I make. It simply is. It doesn't mean that I would have incest in real life. Sure, my fantasies are based in reality, but I wouldn't want to change the relationship that I have with my family. Having an incest fetish also doesn't mean that I'd ever abuse my kids. I think I'm an otherwise decent human being.

Your boyfriend may or may not want to actually have sex with his mother. In my experience, some people watch incest porn but their fantasies don't apply in real life. On the other hand, I'd say a large amount of people with an incest fetish have their fantasies stem from reality. But what's still overwhelmingly common amongst people with incest fetishes is that they usually wouldn't do such things in real life. While it's not out of the realm of possibility, I sincerely doubt that your boyfriend is having sex with his mom, or ever has. He may want to, but is that so bad on its own if he has it under control?

Overall, this kind of thing is up to you. Are you comfortable with the fact that your boyfriend has an incest fetish? This may not be easy to answer, but I think the best way to figure out the answer is to overlook the fetish itself and be a good judge of character. Do you think your boyfriend is an otherwise good person? Would he ever indulge in his fetish in real life? Would he be a good father? All of these are questions that you should be asking yourself anyway, but if he seems to have good character, then you should then have a serious talk with him about it. His fetish will never go away, so the best thing to do is work through it and figure out how to deal with it.

The vast majority of people keep their fetishes under control, and incest fetishes are no different.

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A male reader, Lettucebomb United Kingdom +, writes (23 January 2011):

You need to get him, and his mother together, and then bring it up. Pay close attention to their reactions because if his mother doesn't look genuinely surprised then they're in a sexual relationship together. also you should get his dad involved because he would know how to talk to his son. Tell them about how he masturbates to incest porn, and then see what happens.

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A male reader, hannibalbrown United States +, writes (28 May 2009):

hannibalbrown agony auntCalm down the taboo of incest is common, some guys and gals find the idea of erotic incest ariusing, but themselves would never want to actually sleep with a relative. So I would let your boyfriend slide on that, however be concerned if he ever talks about his family in an erotic fashion.

Your friend,

Hannibal

PS

feel free to contact me with other ?s :)

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2009):

I'd say that his being on a porn site could mean many things. He might just have a fetish, as quite a lot of the people who frequent those sites do, or he might be considering an incestuous relationship or already be in one.

I'm in a relationship with my dad, and at times I have gone to such sites in order to communicate with others who have had similar experiences. The porn is insulting to me because it's reducing the entire relationship perspective to pure sex. The first site I ever encountered was the now defunkt incestboard, and I am currently a member of incest community. I have now however set up my own incest support forum (google DaughterUKsWorld) which doesn't have any porn or the one handed typists that the mainstream sites attract.

In short you'll have to have a talk with him about this again in order to find out the truth. I realize that it's been a few months since anyone responded to this thread, but please give us some updates if you've discovered the truth and how you handled what you found out.

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A male reader, misterincest United States +, writes (16 December 2008):

in my personal experiance as one who has slept with his mother and 3 of his sisters it seems that your boyfriend has at one time been involved in some type of sexual situation with his mother and wants to relive it and uses those incest sites as away of doing it because his mother is not interested or he is to scared to ask her.try talking to his mom but only tell her he views the sites she will give her and him away with an expression or act repulsed and immeadiately want to talk to him if they ever did have sexual relations.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008):

It sounds like your boyfriend does at least like the idea of mother-son sex, and maybe because he at one time wanted to have sex with his mother.

Also, to the woman who posted on July 29, did your boyfriend say the sex with his sister was consensual? Have you found out more about that incident during your couseling? I am wondering who initiated the sex between your BF and sister, him or her his sister?

Also, as to your weird feeling whenever you see your BF and his sister together, do you think they are still having occassional sex with each other?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008):

OMG, you have no idea how relieved i feel right now. Just recently my boyfriend admitted the same thing to me. I have been trying to figure out how to cope with it. Not only does he get turned on by mother daughter porn..but he admitted to incest being forced in his family when he was younger. He said it only happened once..with his sister..but now i have a wierd gut feeling when he and his sister are together..since he still looks at this porn does that mean he is attracted to his mother and sister? We have decided to go to counseling together. i guess that best advice i can give is that is up to you at this point. Everyone has baggage...and you just need to figure out if you love this man enough to deal with his. I am still trying to decide this for myself...

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A male reader, xxhopingtearsxx United States +, writes (14 July 2008):

If you are thinking about asking his mother about this, I don't think you should. This is a personal thing that he does and he has an incest fetish. That doesn't mean he will actually have sex with his mother. I think you should let him be unless you find things to get a little more serious (such as he getting close to actually having sex with his mother and you finding out about it.)

If this is bothering you with your relationship, tell him to do it on another computer. These things can get you viruses.

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A male reader, idoneitagain Australia +, writes (13 July 2008):

Hi Eva_53,

There are a couple of things I would like to put forward. First, you might want to think about whether this makes up part of his fantasy world, or if he is just curious because this is a taboo. It is natural for people to be curious about any aspect of humanity that is hidden or forbidden, and most of it finds its way onto the internet. There are a range of responses to this stuff, some people don't want to know about it, some people want to look at it and go "eww", and have a laugh, and other people find it stimulating, sexually or intellectually or whatever. Lets take an example of a website showing graphic images of accidents - some people are repulsed and some are curious to know what a dead body looks like because they have never seen one. Others still are there because they like violence. Or whatever. The point is, not everyone that shows a curiosity in this case wants to go out and committ violence. I would say the majority of curious people would not. Just because someone is curious in an idea doesn't mean they necessarily want to act on that. There is a big leap from your boyfriend showing a curiosity to incest on the web, to him wanting to actually sleep with his mother!

The second point, which relates to this, has to do with some theories around incest and human sexuality. Freud put forward the idea that the sexual drive in infants and children will be projected onto the parent of the opposite sex, and then repressed. Basically what this means is that a childs first sexual yearnings will be made towards the parent of the opposite sex (particularly applies to boys). This is known as the oedipus complex. In our society it is taboo to act on any of these urges that remain unresolved or that resurface, in other words incest is not acceptable, but many would argue that to some degree to have the repressed urges is totally natural, and something that all people have. Your boyfriends curiosity might just be an expression of something quite natural for any of us, even if its kinda gross!

The only way for you to find out what it means to him, is to ask him. He might not be able to tell you a straight answer though, the urge to deny this kind of taboo or repressed, unacceptable stuff might be overwhelming. But if you can make him feel accepted for whatever his interest is, he might tell you. You need to ask if that is something that you are able to do?

Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008):

Thanks Lazyguy, your braver than me. I was just waiting for someone like you to respond.

Fantasy and fetish are a very funny thing, and people have all types of fantasies. That's why should be carefull before trying to find out all about our partner's secret fantasy life. There are so many fantasies about incest and I doubt that anyone that writes or reads this stuff actually thinks about doing it. You said his mother is controlling, but you didn't notice any signs of lust. I don't think he wants to sleep with his mother, it's probably his way of dealing with some childhood issues and the issues around control. You know "Fuck you mum, I'm in control".... Again, you now know this, and it is extreme for many people, but not abnormal or unheard of. Will you be able to cope, knowing that he thinks like this and enjoys looking at this type of stuff. It's pure fantasy, it shouldn't have reached over into reality, but now that it has, what will you do?

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A female reader, Eva_53 Australia +, writes (12 July 2008):

Eva_53 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hi Guys, thanks for the feedback so far, I am finding it quite reassuring but I just wanted to clear up one thing.

When I said that I was concerned about his relationship with his mother I meant more that she is very controlling but I don't think that there has been anything inappropriate happen there. I am more worried that he wants to have sex with his mum than that he has had sex with her.

Once again thanks so far.

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A male reader, LazyGuy Netherlands +, writes (12 July 2008):

LazyGuy agony auntIf you google the word incest the first link is as so often wikipedia. You will then have to scroll down to find the first "serious" reference, the rest is for the fantasy type.

So he has a fantasy about incest, doesn't mean he wants to have sex with his mother let alone that he is having it. After all, if he does, he would need the porn would he?

Why do people have this fetish? God knows, incest is a taboo and anything taboo has an attraction. Is anal sex attractive because fucking shit is a turn on or because you are not supposed to?

We all got fantasies and frankly is you knew what the people you met everyday were thinking you wouldn't go onto the street without a machinegun. There is good reason why the idea of a thought-police is so frightening.

But of course, you have to ask yourself what this means for you. It depends, how much is it just a fantasy and how much is reality. The roleplay between partners where one takes on the role of a 'parent' is not unusual. How far this goes? Just how many women call their partner "daddy"?

What goes on behind closed doors really isn't anyones business.

If this incest fantasy is just a fantasy with him, then it is up to you wether you can life with that. If it is something more, crossing over into a real life desire... it is your choice, you can't chance him. So either accept him with all the bagage he carries with him or do without him.

Yes, I have to say that my honest reaction is "ewh". But I am not the one in love with him, you are. Your choice.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008):

Well, he would say that wouldn't he!

It sounds to me like he's got a fetish. Whether or not it affects the way he sees you only he knows, but if you find it somewhat distressing then he ought to have the good sense to look at something else.

If you had doubts before, perhaps you should trust your instincts. Maybe something is or has been going on between them, but my guess is if that's the case it will remain their little secret and neither of them would be likely to admit it. The chances are that it's just curiosity on his part, but you can never be sure about it.

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