A
female
age
36-40,
*erylyn
writes:I have been friends with this man for 3 years. We met online and gradually become really close friends. When we become friends, he was living a 1000 miles away from my city, now, he moved to my city, living only a mile away from my home. We meet every weekend. An year ago, he started to flirt and visited me often, and after few months he moved to my town for permanently. When we argue or fight about something, he will ask me, "Oh God, what will i do if i ever got married to her" or "will you treat me like this way, if we got married". And now he used to comment about how i look, and made me talk to his aunt and met his sister. When we are together, he makes excuses to touch me, like holding my hand or tuck away the hair from my face. But, if i show some affection towards him, he will shut me off. I havent met his family except his sister, but, i know they like me, his sister have asked me whether we are dating or not. And my family asked me, if we are dating, they can discuss with his family and get us engaged. I dont know what to do.
View related questions:
engaged, flirt, met online Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, merylyn +, writes (27 May 2015):
merylyn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you cindy. You are right, he doesnt love me, he just dont want to be alone. My dad had met with an accident and was hospitalized for a week. He didnt visit my dad, so, my mom asked me, why didnt he visit them, i said i dont know. And i told my friend about what my mom said. And his reply was "Was she asking me to meet your dad and ask his permission to marry you?", i was shocked and asked him "are you crazy?". And he replied, "your parents has been asking you to get married for months, and you are not interested, so, they have thought about getting us married. Why everything is falling on my head." And he acted like he said some joke. I felt hurt, but, didnt show it and told him, "They want me to get married soon, but, i will never marry you, no need to worry about it." And he said jokingly "thank you".I am stopping going out with him and talking on phone. I am not going to meet or talk to him, if its not really necessary.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 May 2015):
 Oh...then I am afraid that my opinion will be disappointing to you...Personally, I don't feel he is THAT serious or interested. His aren't really WE statements or WE projects, it's more like involving you in his escapist fantasies.. One thing is planning for something that could actually, reasonably happen, although in a future time ( " as soon as I'll get the money, I'll take you ro see X town " ), another is just playful daydreaming - and that's what it sounds to me, at least.
Then again, as you say, that could also be because he knows he's got nothing to offer you materially right now ...
In any case I stand by my original advice. For once, belonging to a traditional culture of arranged, or , in fact, let's say family-asssisted marriages plays heavily in your favour : it entitles you to ask him frankly to clarify his feelings and intentions, which in other settings would be a bit awkward. In yours , that would be totally legitimate. He can't play dumb, he knows perfectly that he can't just " flirt " or " joke " or
" toy " with you forever, without exposing you to gossips, nasty comments, criticisms and uncomfortable speculations. Or even keeping away from you other possible candidates. He is not THAT naive, I bet. You can very well ask him if he sees you getting closer and having a future together- and if he says no, he just wants to be your " friend "- you can tell him fine, but then stop the touchy-feely, intimate vibe, the flirty jokes, etc. because it is quite inappropriate in your environment ( and, frankly, .. it would sound as being strung along and made a wee bit fun of even in the
most Westernized of societies . JUST friends act platonic, not amorous ).
...............................
A
female
reader, merylyn +, writes (26 May 2015):
merylyn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you CindyCares and Honeypie. Actually we are not dating, but, when he talk about the future, i am in it. He is an artist, and when he talk about he becoming a famous artist, he says "WE can visit every country around the world and exhibit my works". Or when i talk him about the fight i had with my mom, he will say, 'lets run away from your sadistic mom and live our own life.' But, sometimes, there is no WE, its only him. When he stare at me for long and i ask "what?", he will say "i love you", and i will ask, "really?" and he will chuckle and reply "you know that i am joking". So, i really dont know whether this man loves me or just joking? Sometimes i feel like he is saying the truth and hiding it with his always joking attitude, because he is jobless right now.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (26 May 2015):
 I agree with Cindy.
ASK him how he sees the future, and if you are a part of that. If he doesn't then either CUT off the friendship or KEEP it strictly platonic, which means HANDS off each other.
It's been 3 years HE KNOWS if he wants to marry you or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 May 2015):
Ask him if he wants to get engaged or what.
If you live in a culture of arranged marriages where families gets routinely involved ( such seems to be the case ) he will be perfectly aware that he is compromising you , your perspectives and your reputation . It does not sound like the kind of context where one can " just flirt " with a girl forever , for the fun of it. And it would not be fair anyway ,in any country ,keeping you in a limbo if he knows that you like him. So ask him to make up his mind about what he wants from you.
If he just wants to be platonic friends- fine I guess, but then, no more " flirting ", touching, hand holding and one on one visits.
...............................
|
