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He lies about money, I am fed up with being his doormat!

Tagged as: Family, Marriage problems, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (30 December 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 8 August 2017)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

I would love your opinions please on whether I am being unfair or judgmental.

Me and my husband have been together for 15 years. Over the years I have caught him out in lies over money. About five years ago his aunt passed away, I knew she had left him some money he told me £5000 I then found out it was £15000. He said he made a mistake and why should he tell me etc. I have recently found out that we have had £400 rebate from the electric bill, he did not tell me. ( the direct debit goes through his account although I pay the bills because he took early retirement.) I know its silly but for Christmas his mum bought us an Asda giftcard she usually gives it to me, he said she gave it to him. He told me it was for £100 now I have found out its for £150. I pay all the bills everything. I don't want to take control because I realise he doesn't work now and needs money of his own. But he lied like this when he was working and earning £1700 per month. So the fact he is not working now I don't think has anything to do with it. Its very annoying and I have told him that I always turn a blind eye and he should think himself lucky that I am not a money grabbing kind I am fed up with being treated like a doormat. thanks for answers in advance

View related questions: christmas, money

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A male reader, Riot2017 Mexico +, writes (8 August 2017):

You need couple's therapy to help you two open up on that issue. Money is always a big issue on every relationship.

You should encourage him to be more honest and upfront of what he wants and what you want. Money information needs transparency in a marriage, so there should be no hidden money.

Also, each one of you should have PLAY money each month, even if it's just $10, in order for both of you to enjoy that money.

Best luck!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (4 January 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntHonestly this would really hack me off. Even white lies can cause uproar in a marriage. I wonder why he feels the need to lie. He then gets defensive which is even more annoying. You must have the patience off a saint.

Maybe if you gave us a bit more background we could work it out better. Do use have a joint account? Does he have any addictions?

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (30 December 2016):

like I see it agony auntI do not think it is unfair or judgemental of you to be irritated about this.

Since it sounds like you pay for everything for both of you and he is not wanting for or lacking anything essential, there isn't any apparent justification for him to be hiding money from you or telling you lies about it. In fact that behavior is particularly troublesome, because he has clearly built up a certain comfort level with lying and hiding things from you. Right now it's only financial (at least that you're aware of) but once a person finds a way to excuse themselves lying it becomes that much easier for them to tell a lie the next time around and not feel guilty about it.

Your husband has built up a rationale that in his mind excuses him lying to you - after all, you only know differently because you CAUGHT him in these lies, not because he came clean to you of his own free will and guilty conscience. That is a red flag in terms of his personal integrity, and you should be wary of it extending to other aspects of his life that might affect you. The same character flaw that allows him to feel totally comfortable lying to you about money could just as easily allow him to conceal an addiction, an affair, criminal activity... the list goes on. Be very cautious.

More detail about the situation would help. Does he receive any retirement or pension benefits, or did he just choose to stop working early and leave it to you to pay everything? If he is getting a check every month he should be contributing SOMETHING to the household. If he is not, perhaps he should be looking for another job that is suited to his age and physical abilities (assuming he is not medically retired or disabled) so that it is not left to you to support both of you indefinitely. What is the plan for you to be able to retire as well someday, if you are 100% financially responsible for the household?

Right now it sounds like what's yours belongs to both of you, and what's his (or what he's able to conceal from you) is his and his alone, and that is neither fair to you nor appropriate behavior within a marriage and jointly inhabited household.

In the meantime, if you are paying the bills I would strongly suggest you handle that directly, through your own accounts. Not only so that he can't hide any more rebates from you, but so that you can be sure the money you have been giving him for bills actually goes in its entirety to cover those bills. I'm guessing you hadn't been seeing statements for a while if you didn't notice the rebate was expected or paid out. Make sure he isn't telling you "we owe £100 for electric this month" when the total is actually £75, and pocketing the change. That amount would be a much smaller lie than £400 or £10000 and he has already shown himself to be comfortable with lying about those.

Honestly though, the fact that you even have to consider this sort of deception from him should be a red flag to you.

What kind of husband is he otherwise?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2016):

This is a problem I have also! I can only assume that its human nature but its annoying.

So few people are honest about money.

I find I can reverse the scenario and sometimes do for a joke ie this cost me £50!

Just to see how credible it sounds.

It might have cost me considerably less but then I am good at spotting a bargain!

In a way though it changes your perception of money.

Some people dont value anything under £50 because thats the amôôount they have for ready spends.

But the problem here is his lack of honesty, his secrecy and his covert behaviour.

And its unfair in marriage for you to be financially shouldering the burden and him to be skipping along in happy security.

I know you didnt know his aunty but well, you took those vows and now you are paying those bills.

You could start calculating if you'll be better off divorced with your legal entitlement to half of everything.

You could startcalling him "Scrooge!"

eg " Scrooge darling could you run my bath and put a drop of bath oil in! Only one drop mind! The other 500,000 drops are just for you!"

Could he handle that kind of ribbing!

But the bills need adjusting!

He's got to chip in out of his windfall or you have to divorce him, claim your share and offer to be a friend with benefits next door but one so that the romance isnt totally dead!

And find out if he's got an insurance on your life as he sounds so materialistic and devious (my words, not anyone elses I must add) and see if he's saving your life for a rainy day as well.

And if that doesnt shake him up a bit, then nothing will.

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A male reader, Denizen United Kingdom +, writes (30 December 2016):

Denizen agony auntHe is frightened of being without money. It is deep within his psyche. It will be nigh impossible for him to change this. It is deep rooted.

You must both separate your finances, separate accounts, and pay expenses jointly from your separate incomes.

You could also have a joint account to which you both contribute an equal amount monthly, or whatever you decide is fair, by standing order.

Gifts to you both could be paid into that so you can see the amount going in.

This isn't a completely new problem. I have heard of women too who have a secret 'escape' fund.

Tell him you want to change the way the finances are run, and go and set up your own account, if you don't have one already. You can also set up the joint account and arrange for your share to be paid in.

Now for the onerous part. Set up a spread sheet of joint expenses, services, rent or mortgage, food, insurance etc. You can both see where you stand financially.

If he wants to nickel and dime you over a few quid so be it. It works two ways. Make sure you have a pension fund set up for yourself.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (30 December 2016):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntI can understand why you find this irritating. In your shoes I would be the same.

What does he do with the money? What does he spend it on? He is acting like it is "his" money, even though you have been married for so long and you now pay the bills. What does he pay for (assuming he gets a pension)? Just because he is retired does not mean the whole financial burden should rest with you.

Was he single when you got together? Is he used to spending his own money and not answering to anyone?

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