A
female
age
18-21,
catstothemax
writes:My boyfriend of 1 year and my relationship has been full of instances where we express something minor about the other person that upsets us - i.e. smoking, viewing pornography. In both cases, he's promised to quit smoking, and quit being secretive about porn, both because he wants to and because he knows it upsets me. It meant a lot to me when he told me these things, and I took his word for it.Last Saturday, though, we were at a party and somebody gave him a cigarette. He showed it to me, I expressed my dismay, and he told me he was going to go say hi to a friend only to find out he went to smoke it anyway. His excuse was that it was a clove cigarette, he hadn't smoked in weeks and so on, so it didn't really count towards our agreement, anyway. Yeah, okay.The bigger problem, though, was that later that night, we both went to our own homes after fighting about it in the car. He knew that I was entirely upset about it, and he expressed that he was entirely upset about the situation too, and that he was going to leave me alone and go mope at his own house. So it was odd when I found all of this porn on his computer yesterday that indicated that's what he was actually doing. Funny method of moping, I guess. Anyway, I confronted him about it yesterday.His reply? He went home after seeing friends and suddenly felt like I was too controlling, so he decided that my feelings just didn't matter anymore and started to look at porn. But then he tells me that he stopped before he "got the job done," because he suddenly started to think of me, felt guilty, and started writing me a love letter instead of finishing his deed.Given that he lied about it in the first place, it's easy to see why I think he's lying about that as well. What's more, I asked to see the letter that he wrote to me, and he refuses, he says, "out of his own principle." and that I should just trust that that's what happened, because that's what he says. If that's really what happened, if there really is a letter, then he should be jumping at the chance to show me, right? Not to mention the large wads of toilet tissue in the wastebasket that I pointed out as well, but still not apology for lying - no admittance - just him trying to make me feel bad for not trusting him.I'm tired of feeling like I'm being disrespected. I'm tired of feeling like he thinks I actually believe these little lies and excuses and sob stories. This doesn't happen that often, and everything else about our relationship is wonderful. I just want him to know that I'm serious when I say I won't be lied to, and that if the evidence is there, then he should stop being so proud and just apologize profusely for lying to my face. How do I get him to stop being so defensive, and just own up to his mistakes??P.S. I'd also like to mention that pornography isn't the problem. I'm very open to it, and generally not a controlling person. It's simply the lying, the stories, the ability to lie to my face and then try to turn the tables on me that gets me.
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female
reader, hlskitten  + ♥, writes (29 January 2008):
 Yup that makes sense. And thats something he needs to do, assert himself a bit more, IF he doesnt think he can stick to it..ie, the smoking and porn.
Basically he is being milky. All im saying is, he probably does want to quit smoking, who doesnt!? But its mighty hard i can tell you, and im a stubborn moo! hehe
And if he really does like the porn, he should be man enough to say he does and leave it at that. I dont think he should feel guilty about that, but maybe he does? Hence the saying he wont do it?
I dont agree with the other poster that if you have a partner that you have regular sex with that you wont pleasure yourself and use porn. Its a seperate thing sometimes. I dont think personally that pleasuring yourself at (a different or same time if thats what you both wanna do!) is wrong. But thats my opinion, and obviously we are all different. Thats something you both need to sort. I do agree with the same poster about non compatibility though. If you are against porn and smoking so much, maybe you shouldnt be together. You are both in the right in that way. He just needs to get a bit more of a backbone though, thats his problem not yours and only talking to him is going to sort that. And if it doesnt then you need to make some decisions long term.
C xxxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): Yes, you do have a problem with porn. If you didn't you wouldn't even care if he looked at it & therefore he wouldn't feel that he had to lie to you about it. He did jack off to it, and he lied to you about writing the "love letter" You two don't seem compatible enough to be in this relationship for the long haul. Your expectations of a partner are too high for him to live up to. Which isn't a bad thing, I don't allow my partner to smoke or look at porn either. I think his excuses are really lame, and that he obviously cares more about porn viewing and smoking than you, so in my opinion, you should leave him & find a more mature guy who doesn't feel the need to jack off to porn (he would be getting sex from you, right?) So why does he need porn? And sneaking to go smoke a cigarette, what is he, ten years old?
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A
female
reader, catstothemax +, writes (29 January 2008):
catstothemax is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply, hslkitten. He feels like he has to be secretive about it because he'd already made a promise to me - out of his own will - that he'd stop, not only for me, but for himself. And it means a lot to me if he can so quickly say words like that, instill my trust in them, and then revoke them with his actions. If he wants to watch it, fine - but secrets - especially of a sexual nature - will be no part of any relationship I'm in. I need him to be honest with me, even if that does embarass him. And if he finds it difficult to quit, then he needs to tell me that - not that he'll quit cold turkey and promise to do so.
Basically, he needs to quit making promises to me that he can't keep - and that would require telling the truth, both when he makes them and when he breaks them.
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A
male
reader, Bonzaman  +, writes (29 January 2008):
He likes his smoking and his porn, but you don't. He is ashamed that the woman he loves does not like his habits, to please her he will promise anything. But he also feels that because she would like him to stop, she is exerting control, so to keep control, he has sneaky smokes and wanks at porn. He lies to her to keep her happy and him happy. The only way to stop this is to let him know you are fine with him smoking and would like to watch some porn with him. If you are not fine with either then he is not the one for you, simple. I am an expert on this as I am in the smae position as your man, these are my thoughts and how my partners dislike of my habits affects me. Hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten + ♥, writes (29 January 2008):
Well, if there is no big issue for you with porn, why does he feel he has to be secretive about it? Many people use porn whilst in a relationship. But if it really does bother you, you do have a right to say. It doesnt seem very clear why you would one minute not have an issue with it and the next you would. If it is purely because he lies about watching it, i would be asking him why its gotta be that way. Does it get him off more because he doesnt tell you? Would it not be as thrilling if he mentioned it?
As for the smoking, i take it you dont smoke? Giving up smoking is hell, and i dont doubt he means every word about stopping when he says he will. But its very common to have numerous atempts at stopping before managing it completely. I know from experience! Honest.
Really, he will only ever give up because he wants to not because you want him to.
Sounds like in other ways you two have got it all together, so why cant you live with him smoking (away from your presence) and jerk off to porn to his hearts content when hes not with you? My sisters hubby has never smoked, but my sister does, about 5-10 a day, and he lets her go out in the garden and do it, and thats her choice?
Smokings a damn stupid thing to do, we all know that, but maybe one day he will actually stop because he wants to.
C xxxxx
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