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He lied to me. How do I get over it?

Tagged as: Cheating, Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 November 2007) 9 Answers - (Newest, 21 November 2007)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, anonymous writes:

My husband had an 18-month secret relationship with a recently bereaved woman in another country: emails, texts, calls, lunches and an expensive birthday present. I don't think it got as far as sex, but was heading that way.

Whilst I was unaware of it, his behaviour was a little odd, and I asked certain questions. It has now been proven that he lied to me repeatedly in answer to my questions.

He is no longer in contact with this woman and he says he wants our relationship to work. He doesn't want to discuss what happened any more. He wants us to put it behind us. I love him. But I still feel such pain at this betrayal. How do I get over the fact that he lied to me consistently over such a long period of time?

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A male reader, Richard_EMids United Kingdom +, writes (21 November 2007):

Richard_EMids agony auntHi - thanks for the follow-up. The problem in this type of situation is that for you it is an unresolved conflict - a battle goes in your head. He may want to move forward and try and forget all about it - but you will be stuck in the same spot. You , and he, might think your moving, but you are just going round and round in circles. Eventually, it will become a problem that you will return to - but much more complex, and more difficult to reolve. Right now it's relatively simple. I know that you need his cooperation to resolve the conflict in your head. To do that you have to get across how important this is to you.

Something like Relate counselling will achieve the desired result, but it is just as easy to do it yourself if you know how, and if both parties willing. The problem is one party isn't willing - just wants to "sweep under carpet". He doesn't want to tell you how they first got in touch with each other. You need to know. You will be worse to begin with when you know - but can then start to heal. Tell him if he leaves the problem unresolved it will just fester. Prioritise convincing him - either by persuasion or power or by being uncooperative like he is to you.

Good luck

Richard

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2007):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you for your answers. It's interesting - you have opposing views.

I agree that the worst thing for me is that he won't tell me the details of what happened. For instance, he says he can't remember how they first got in touch with each other. How can this be true?

I'm no closer to resolving my feelings yet, but it has helped to share. Thanks!

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A male reader, Richard_EMids United Kingdom +, writes (21 November 2007):

Richard_EMids agony auntHi there. You have asked how do you get over him lying to you long term. The answer is you don't - he is the one that has to put in the effort. The question is being asked by the wrong person.

He lost the trust. He says he wants the relationship to work. He has to put the effort in to regain it. Any effort you put in is a bonus. I can tell you now that you won't get over it if he refuses to discuss it. All that will happen is your thoughts and fears will keep swirling round in your head. The reason you want to talk is to know the top and bottom of what happened and why. To put some scale and dimension to it. You can't do that if he won't tell you - you'll just go crazy mentally guessing, speculating and wondering.

Whoever broke the trust has to fix it.

Good luck

Richard

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007):

Look, I've been there and know many others who have. HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. Sometimes people cheat on their partners by having a one-night-stand with someone else and the relationship can survive. There was a reason it happened and the problem can be solved. But for a man to lie to you for so long and have his emotions invested in someone else... respect yourself and wake up and see the reality. He didn't even have the courage to end it with you and make a proper go if it with the other woman. HE WILL DO IT AGAIN.

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A male reader, Samutsen Poland +, writes (20 November 2007):

Samutsen agony auntMost men lie. I did. Many women lie also.

I cant possibly believe they did not have sex. He bought expensive birthday presents for her for God's sake.

But it happens and some women know or feel and wait or overlook. Some break up some stays in between.

I believe also he loves you and wants your relationship work. Give him the chance, do not investigate and be optimistic. Do not bring this issue up again. Believe me most men would cheat if they had a chance. But this does not mean they dont love their darlings.

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A female reader, thatgothgirl20 United States +, writes (20 November 2007):

thatgothgirl20 agony auntHaha. I'm not laughing at you. I'm laughing at you're question. "How do I get over it?" You never do. There is always that suspicion of, "Is he doing it again?" I would dump him. He treated you like you were a dumba**. None of this was your fault. He chose to do what he did. Now, he needs to accept the consequences.

But if you want to keep him, yes marriage counseling.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2007):

Try marriage counseling. He broke faith in the marriage and needs to earn back your trust. This may not be possible but counseling is one way to try to repair the damage.

There's no simple fix for this problem. You'll learn to trust him again over time or not. You don't mention how long ago you found out. If it's been more than six months, you may want to think about ending the relationship.

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A female reader, dancing_boo United Kingdom +, writes (20 November 2007):

dancing_boo agony auntSo, from reading your question, you want to make this relationship work?

I think your feelings of betrayal come from the fact that he has disrespected not only your relationship with him,your feelings,and the main fact is he cheated on you, regardless of sex being involved or not.

I personnaly think, if he actually opened up and discussed what happened it might help you to understand not only what happened, but where he/you and both of you went wrong in order for this affair to have taken place. It will help you to put your mind at rest a little (as much as possible under the circumstances anyway) and work on any errors.

I firstly would be quite concerned about the fact that he is not willing to discuss it with you. Does this mean that things went further than they should have? Or that he doesnt want to discuss his feelings for these particular women?

For him to have lied to you would make anyone feel like they have been betrayed, let alone the fact that he did what he did. That would cut deep with me if i was in your position.

I would seriously consider how you think his respect for you is going to change if you made it work.

I think, answering your question on how to get over the fact that he has lied to you, i believe that if you love him, truely, then you would trust him with all your heart to make ammends and not to be disloyal again. But us woman have the tendancy to 'over think'...lets face it! So try not to over anaylse little things, but be cautious in replace of this. What im trying to say, if he's lied to you once, be wary that he may well do it again. So be carefull...and be cautious.

Aside from the above, you will just have to believe in him, keep communicating, and address each other with any feelings you may be having, he may be having daily.

I really hope you can manage to forget the past and for him to regain your trust. Its not easy! But if he truely loves you, you will see a difference.

Best of luck x

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A female reader, Lillia United Kingdom +, writes (20 November 2007):

Lillia agony auntIt is a hard thing to try and forget.

I know people who have been in relationships when their gf/bf has cheated on them.. They couldnt earn back their trust.

Are you still together?

If you are then well its up to you...

You can try and work things out...

Or he would have to earn back your trust. But 18 months is a long time to lie!! & if he has done it once.. he could do it again.! x

Good Luck x

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