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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: I'm sitting here pretty emotional tonight. You probably get questions having to do with this subject often, but how can a young woman work on body confidence? When I was only 19 I gave birth to beautiful twin baby girls. I had a normal pregnancy and my babies were very healthy. Like a lot of women, my pregnancy took a major toll on my body (my breasts became saggy, I got stretch marks, you know the deal.) I never got back to my normal weight after giving birth, which I know is my own fault. My partner who I had my children with ultimately left me because as he put it, he was no longer attracted to me and felt as if our relationship had lost its spark. We tried to make it work for the girls sake, but it just didn't. I did not want him to be with me if he was not attracted to me. He is a wonderful father though so that's what matters to me, it just really hurts me that he was no longer attracted to me. I get very upset just thinking about it. My girls will be starting school this year and I want to start dating, but how am I going to be successful in dating when I'm so insecure with how my body looks? I feel like men my age expect/want someone with a killer body. I'm sure they'll understand that I've had children so my body isn't a 10/10, but that doesn't mean they'll like it. My confidence has been very low these past few years. I'm paranoid that men will treat me like my ex did. I know men aren't usually attracted to(or prefer for lack of a better word) a body like mine, so what is a woman like me to do? I want to be happy and have a good man in my life who will be attracted to me and for my girls to have a normal family.
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female
reader, Gladtohelp  +, writes (30 March 2015):
 When I was with my ex boyfriend I gained a lil weight myself. I was so insecure about it and when we broke up, I began eating and drinking more. However, when I stopped feeling sorry for myself I realised that being depressed about it sodding help so decided to work out. I have lost a stone now and feel way more confident than I did a few months back. Honestly, it worked for me, I motivated myself to gain my confidence back and you can do it too you just got to believe in yourself. Focus getting back that confidence. Work out. Eat healthy. Read people's success stories and pray. It worked for me and I know it can work for anyone. You will be fine. Your hard work will pay off..
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2015): Chigirl is right in many ways - that single mums have the same problem as any other woman finding a nice man to be with. I'd urge you to bear that in mind, it's true. But it's not quite the whole story.The main difference is that single Mums (I am one, and had my daughter very shortly after my 19th birthday) very often have low self esteem in the immediate time after a relationship ends. And this is a 'make or break' time in many ways. You're at your most vulnerable in the year or two years after this and if you make bad decisions or, for whatever, reason, can't raise yourself esteem, it will take much longer to get your life back on track. It's very hard, in this time, to even think about yourself very much because you have young kids to put first. But you MUST try to be a bit "selfish", because it's an investment for the longer term. Treat yourself with great care, like you would a best friend. Realise when you are putting yourself down that you are doing this because you've had a huge blow to your self esteem, caused by the man who'se left you.Single Mum's very often become single Mum's through no fault of their own - the husband or boyfriend can often just up sticks and abandon them, sometimes being a good dad but sometimes being nowhere to be seen and paying no maintenance. This situation makes it harder for us to feel good about ourselves - the man seems to have all the power to make whatever choices he wants and we feel powerless instead. And weaknesses will really hurt us. With you it's your body that's now the weak point for you. With me, it was partly this (mu boobs!) but it was mainly the belief that I had such a lousy personality that no-one would want to be with me. 'd been psychologically abused by my husband and led to believe I was unfit as a mother and as a woman and it took counselling for me to see that this was absolutely nuts and a way of keeping me powerless. What your ex partner has said to you has made you feel powerless as a woman. He's a turd even for saying such things to the same woman whose had his kids. And yet, in your mind and because you loved him, YOU are giving him the power to make you feel this way. YOU are taking his shallow and cruel opinion as if it is the word of God almighty. We women have a terrible tendency to hand over this power to men. We have a much harder time giving that power to ourselves.Different things will help different women. Now that I'm older and I still sometimes feel angry towards my daughter's father for abandoning us and offering no support at all. But on other days I feel blessed and so very proud. I look around in the news at all the terrible, awful things that happen to women and men and I feel lucky that things have not been so bad for me. I someimes rage and despair at a world that can do things like cut off young women's genitals or rape and murder women as part of war against a country. I sometimes feel powerless at how unjust the world is in regard to women. Stories like yours upset me. I feel for you. But I take stock of what I have. And I urge other women to do the same. Unless we do this on a small scale, one by one, nothing will ever change for any other woman. We have to take pride in what we are and what we have. However hard. I remind myself I have choices. I'd urge you to do the same. It's not easy to do this, because it means growing up and acknowledging what you DO NOT have. And that can hurt. But we can't live like innocent children all the time. Reality has to be acknowledged. And when you do face reality, square on, it means you can, ultimately, really value what you do have and be realistic about it. And years down the line when your daughters are grown up you really will realise that you've made an investment now, for your future. I look around to my friends who didn't have children because they weren't prepared to sacrifice the things that I did and they all say how much they'd love a daughter like mine. And if I could go back, would I choose the nights out, the attention from men, the fun and the carefree days or would I choose her, and the miracle that she is to me? There's no question, now, of what comes first. But back then it was hard. I feel for you, really I do.I have all my limbs and vital organs. I have a brain that I have put to good use. I have a few friends and I have a job I love (though I worked for years in jobs I loathed to get to this stage and I still don't have 100% job security). Through sheer hard work and no help whatsoever from government of my daughter's father or family I now own my home outright. I sacrificed most of my 20's and 30's to do that, rarely going out, but determined not to give my money to greedy landlords when the council refused to house me because I was a working Mum. My daughter has blossomed into a wonderful young woman. I haven't got all of the things I wanted, but life is very far from over. One thing that I would want and may never get, is justice for myself and for all women whose partners just walk away or who are treated badly by men. In many ways the law allows men to throw away unwanted partners and children and I doubt I will ever be able to change that completely in my lifetime. Look at what you have and look at what your choices are. Your partner let YOU down as a woman, and he sounds very shallow and immature, incapable of really loving someone. IN that sense, much as it hurts, you are better off without him. BUT it sounds like he has it in him to be a good Dad who will support his kids. And if that is the case then I say to you you really do not know how lucky you are. I'm not saying be grateful to him, but I am saying value his input. Doing the work of BOTH parents - Mum and Dad - and paying for what 2 parents should pay for is enough to make many women go under. It nearly killed me, I can tell you. So much as this might sound nuts to you, I say value at least that he is supporting your children. This is freeing you up more than you currently seem able to appreciate.Look at your body again. You are not happy with it because it doesn't conform to some (usually derived from pornography) super high standard. But the tide is slowly turning on those ideals. People, including celebrities, are getting fed up of the artifice involved. Breast implants and lip implants are being removed, woman are fighting to be treated more as equals, in many different ways ranging from celebrity level through to universities all over the world. This will all filter down. It may take time, but it will. Meanwhile, being fit and doing exercise is worth its weight in gold in terms of boosting your self esteem and making you feel better. Ironically, you can often end up caring LESS about what you look like because fitness starts to work from the inside out and you start to feel better. I'd strongly suggest doing exercise. You don't have to join a gym. It's hard with children in tow but it is possible. You can carve out 20-30 minutes most days, somehow, and make this your 'body' time. Men and young men in particular may be attracted to women with ideal type bodies but they don't necessarily stay with them either. Long term, men go for personality above all else. You think that your boyfriend walked away because your body wasn't good enough. But in fact he walked away because he has a very shallow view of women. He's not a keeper. Except maybe for some very shallow woman. And even so - what kind of relationship would that be? A very shallow one, based on porn type sex? Until he gets bored and moves on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 March 2015):
 If it's one thing I know, it is that men are NOT some blob, all being the same and meshed into each other. They are individuals. So that means, just because your ex wasn't attracted to you, doesn't mean no other man will be. Even if you think you are not what "men" (as in a blob) are attracted to. Luckily.
Women, when generalized, are supposed to only be attracted to rich, tall, handsome men with a six pack, pearly white teeth and no hair on their bodies, but thick and lush hair on their heads well into old age. Nothing else will do. Now you tell me, is that true?
So your ex was immature and perhaps a bit shallow. I wouldn't beat on him too much for this. Of course he's immature and a bit shallow, we all are, especially at the age 19-25. Doesn't mean he's right though, or that his opinion counts as the universal truth.
That being said, I don't know a single mom who's had a hard time finding a man who's attracted to her. They have the same problems us other women have: getting to know a nice guy who is actually worth keeping around. In other words: if you haven't had any luck in attracting men, I very much doubt it is because of your body, and rather it is because you reject them out of fear that they will give you the same treatment as you got from your ex. Your ego is a bit fragile, your self esteem took a hit. Naturally you're scared to let someone else get close and have a look, because if they judge you like your ex did, it might be all too much. So rather than just jump into bed, why not establish a good relationship built on friendship first? Then take things to the next level only when you're ready for it? I think you could handle some romance now, after all this time. No need to show off your belly and breasts on the first date. Just take your time, and as you get to know a nice chap it won't be so scary.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2015): I think a lot of the problem stems from the fact that your ex didn't really love you. He may have cared for you, but he had little choice but to stick around once you became pregnant. He was in it for dating and sex, but maybe not to be a father and your make-believe husband. He was in it, as long as you looked good and had no kids. It is what it is.
I don't let women off so easily with making excuses about their bodies. You know that good nutrition and exercise are essential in good-health. You can play the victim-of-men card only so much. Remember, you said YOU had issues about your body. Blame men for part of that, but then again...who's body is it?
If you want a man, what are you willing to do to get one? Sometimes part of it is taking good care of yourself. Don't put that extreme in, that you have to be perfect. If that were true, you wouldn't walk outside your door this very minute; and see all those average-looking couples walking around together. In all shapes and sizes. Mismatched in appearance to the onlooker; but they're happy as all get-out! There is only so much attendance I'll give to a pity-party. So while I'm here, I'll leave some gifts to lift your spirits.
Get a home-exercise video and have some fun. Dancercise until you tone-up a little. Pay strict attention to your nutrition; because you are also teaching your daughters how to eat. Yes, child-birth has a variety of effects on women's bodies, but there are some who have more kids than you do, older than you are, and you can't tell they ever had a child. Why? Because they take care of themselves for themselves, and to be healthy role-models for their kids.
Please don't make getting a man the priority in your life. You are worth more than just being someone's mate. You are young and have sixty years of life ahead of you. We all have issues in our love-life, we have insecurities, we have setbacks. We can't let that define our lives for us.
You have lovely babies who are look-up to you, and love you unconditionally. That is incentive to show them how to take care of themselves and how to be women who are proud and empowered by their own self-worth and personal-gifts. They were not born only to be loved and valued by males. Getting a man should be a great side-affect or reward to taking good care of yourself. Not your prime-directive! You'll feel healthy and confident. It's not always the vanity-factor that the media and the beauty-industry put to it. You don't like sags and ripples, then do something about it. If you don't, continue to feel frustrated and blame men. We are all beautiful in our own right, when people don't appreciate that; we're messing with the wrong folks. I refuse to let my imperfections tell me I'm unworthy of love because some dick left me. Girlfriend, get a grip! Shake it off. He's the asshat is this story. Not you!
There are things about males that are grossly unattractive to you. The advantage women have, is you don't have to get an erection during sex; to giveaway the fact if you aren't!
You can always fix your hair, makeup is only optional, and choose only the clothes that compliment your figure. Learn how to enhance what nature gave you. Love yourself and those two little adorables of yours above all else in this world. You are very young, so it may take time for you to adopt the attitude that your value is not assessed by having a man. For every guy who has no interest in you, there is another who is, and you have yet to meet. Positive-attitude is everything. The defeated are those who just give-up, my dear.
That man is but a tear-drop in an ocean of men. It may take time and a lot of effort to find the right one; but nothing of value is easy to obtain. Fix whatever you can improve on, but learn to accept those things that nature will not let you. Men can only accept so much of the blame women place on us for their unhappiness.
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A
female
reader, LJCX +, writes (28 March 2015):
 Hey my body looked like crap for a long time after I had my children. I had c sections because my pelvis is too small and the babies got stuck. When you have a c section your stomach muscles are just ruined. It took me a long time to deal with that and would get upset all the time. But as I got older I've realised there are so many men out there who really do not care about a bit of sag and stretch marks.I'm no longer with the father of my children and thank God for that. He did nothing to help with my confidence after my body changed so much, he'd get irritated if I got upset about it, he would have a go at me if I spent some money on clothes for myself or makeup. I didn't have my hair cut for 2 years at one point. Even though I worked part time so I was contributing to the bills he'd just go mad if I wanted to spend anything on me.After he left he would have the children over night at his and I had more time to myself, so I started exercising more, eating right, working on me and I felt so much better about myself. When I got a new, older, boyfriend he really didn't notice the stretch marks or anything I hated. Because he'd been with other women who'd had children.Looking at your age your children can't be that old at the moment so give it time, I barely notice the marks on my stomach anymore, they fade a lot over time. I walk everywhere and go on an exercise bike when I can and it does wonders for tightening up things too.When I feel a bit self conscious and not very sexy I wear nice lingerie. It can cover all the parts you don't love and I think is a huge turn on anyway. Just because you ended up having children with an insensitive inpatient man it doesn't mean all men think this way. Being realistic all the women in magazines and on movies are all airbrushed and touched up anyway. I think this guy will get a shock as he gets older, he isn't going to be able to date young women without a mark on their bodies for the rest of his life. We all age and get these imperfections. Confidence makes all the difference so fake it until you make it :)Please don't feel down in the dumps over his hurtful comments, I've had a boyfriend who was in the marines and he thought my post baby body was very sexy, marks n all.
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