A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I've put a lot of consideration into this and I've decided to break up with my boyfriend. It's not that we don't get along - we get along rather well and have a great time together. He is positive I will be his future wife and has informed his family of this. However, I feel he lacks a career and stable future. This is the reason why I want to break up with him. My question is - am I not open minded enough?I am in my early 30's and own my first home and car paid in full. I am also saving money for a second home to use as a rental. I work hard on my career and sometimes if the opportunity arises, I will even take on a second job. I am organized and plan for my future. I also enjoy life, fine dining, and splurge on vacations to relax and explore the world. My boyfriend is the total opposite. He doesn't like to wake up before noon time, takes it very slow and doesn't eat lunch until my dinner time. He doesn't and has never had a full time job, he likes to buy cars and resells them and works at his leisure. His income is unstable, making between $300 - $1,000 per car sale. He also likes to collect auto parts and sell them on ebay making between $10 - $50 per item. He enjoys this kind of lifestyle and doesn't have any wish to obtain a full time job. I find that his lack of career and lack of income stability is a big red flag for me when I'm considering him as my future husband. I want someone with a stable career and works just as hard, if not harder than me and motives and challenges me. My boyfriend's lifestyle is too chill and relaxed. He doesn't have any bills to pay (aside from auto insurance and mobile phone bill) and lives at home with his parents. He doesn't care about food (can eat fast food every day of the week) and is not interested in exploring the world. He only wants to go explore the different clubbing scenes and bars. But he does spend a lot of money on brand name clothing. I don't believe we are compatible when it comes to our goals and lifestyles. HIs feedback is that I'm not open minded enough, and I need to accept his lifestyle and 'career' path. Am I in the wrong here? Am I expecting too much?
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clubbing, lives at home, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonem +, writes (22 January 2017):
 You made a wise decision. I just broke up with my boyfriend of almost 3 years. He has no prospects and lives with his parents while I on the other hand have done somethings for myself. He's waiting on nature to assist him. His hobby is running errands for his dad and stalking me on whatsapp. He drives my car, eats my food, watches my cable. He was practically a house husband at some point. I just couldn't take it any more. I couldn't spend nights at his. He's always at mine. Who wants a b****h for a bf?
Please you are very sound minded and did the right things. Don't ever accept someone who has little or nothing to offer. They would leech off you in the long or short run. All the best.
A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (22 January 2017):
 Agreed. The dude is living like is 15 years old. You don't want to deal with that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 January 2017):
 I always liked that saying " Keep an open mind, but no so open that your brains fall out ".
I do not think that one should act in a way that 's dangerous ( physically, emotionally or financially ) to oneself, or that's damaging to own's general wellbeing, just for the sake to show how openminded you are.
If we want to be PC and not judgemental, we can just say that you have seen how deep are the differences between your aspirations and life visions, so of course the wise choice is to part ways and look for someone that , being more compatible with you, will offer you more chances of a happy , fulfilling future.
But I never have much fun when I have to be PC and non-judgemental, so, what the heck, I'll just add my very personal two cents :
he must be super good in bed for you to even tolerate him !! Other than that,then, what redeeming fearures has he got ? Where's the attraction ?
He sleeps, he eats ( junk ), he drinks, he clubs. He mooches off parents ( and off you ? ) . He potters with cars - just a little , not enough to make it, God forbid, a business or a career , or a true, overwhelming passion at least.
Yawwwnnnnn. So boring. So lame.
If you have to open your mind to new ( for you ) lifestyles, - they should at least be interesting enough to warrant the effort !
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (20 January 2017):
 A wise decision.His Lifestyle priorities are not that of one who is open-minded, rather one who is lazy and irresponsible. He has all to gain from you while you have the most too lose. In your case love simply cant be enough.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (19 January 2017):
 I think you made the right choice.
His choices are fine if he's planning on staying single and not having any kids, and he earns enough to feed, clothe and house himself.
You've accepted that his life choices are incompatible with yours and you're open minded enough to know he's not the one for you. So, I don't agree with his assessment.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 Honestly it sounds like you are both two very different people. In your mind you know it is never going to work therefore you should just end things. Try not to prolong it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2017): I think you have already identified that you need to have a partner who is equally, or almost equally, pulling their weight in terms of career. His choices aren't necessarily wrong, but you two don't sound like a match. It doesn't make you close-minded, just realistic.
Someone may come along for him who is happy to have him as, say, a stay-at-home dad where she is the main breadwinner and he can simply contribute odds and ends through his car hobbies.
But that is not you and I don't think you should feel bad to be self-aware enough that you need a different personality, an ambitious go-getter who will have the resources to travel with you, contribute to a house and build a life with.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 If you genuinely think that he's gonna be like this forever, he is eventually guna keep sponging off you, living with you, hoping you pay his way... because he thinks you're both happy with that set-up and he's lazy?
I think although you care/ love can you respect someone like this? Cos ive been in a similar situation and when you start losing respect and resenting that person, it's time to move on... you're eventually guna resent him so much you'll kick him out anyway
It's not about being open minded, you've already been understanding giving enough, by the sounds of it.
And could you raise a family with this guy? The truth is you are incompatible long term. I agree completely with honeypie
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A
male
reader, JohnSchorah +, writes (19 January 2017):
Maybe you should tell him what you need & give him the opportunity to change & become more responsible. If he isn't interested then you're obviously not compatible & you should walk.
You never know, he might phone you a few weeks down the line telling you he has a proper job ;)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 January 2017):
 You can accept his "career path" but you can also accept that he is NOT the right partner for you.
You two are VERY different people with VERY different lifestyles, VERY different hopes, dreams, and goals.
He is still in the "living at home and going to clubs" like a guy in his early 20's. You want to see the world and is independent.
So who is really buying his "brand name clothing"? His parents I bet you or you?
I think you have finally realized that this guy is NEVER going to grow up and pull his weight. His parents have enabled him and are still enabling him. HE is hoping that YOU at some point will take over THEIR financial "responsibility" of him so he can tinker with cars and live life at HIS pace.
I think you have written about this guy MANY times before, you are always the one to visit him, he wanted you to buy stuff for him/his family on Amazon (never paid you back) and wanted you to "loan him 10K for a car so he can drive in style and that he wants to move up to your house and live off you - CORRECT? ..... since you are still with him, you obviously don't want to listen to common sense. You think loving HIM will make everything OK.
It won't.
HE IS NOT going to change. He might BE a sweet guy, but he is lazy, not ambitious, spoiled by his parents and entitled.
THAT is who he is.
You can love someone and realize that they are NOT a good match for you.
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