A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi. Quick question. Been with my boyfriend over a year. LDR and although I've met his kids, I haven't met the mother of them yet, just seen in passing as he drops off the children.We see each other most weekends.A few days back he stayed at hers to take one of the kids to something really early in the morning, his ex doesn't currently have a car for understandable reasons, this should be resolved soon.I was ok with this, though not over the moon. He tells me yesterday that he's staying there again tonight as they are all going to an event together for one of the kids, which is again understandable, but he wants to have a drink and his house is about an hours drive away. Says hes staying in his eldest sons room with is downstairs with a separate bathroom etc. Away from the other two kids and her room. I'm not happy about this. I don't think its appropriate. I doubt it would be happening if she had a partner, and I think it sends mixed messages to the kids about dad sleeping over. I don't believe there is any possibly of anything inappropriate between them happening, on either side, and it isn't about trust in that way. To me as his partner I find it inappropriate and I am not comfortable with it at all. What are peoples views please?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 July 2016):
 I totally agree with you that it is inappropriate, no I highly doubt he would even suggest staying over if she had a partner, he should have more respect for you, I know that you trust him, but that doesn't matter he is not thinking about you here at all. If it was a legit reason fair enough, but just so he can have a drink, well that's ridiculous. I would not be okay with this, and I would not be okay with it if I was his ex either because I would be worried that I was getting the children's hopes up with daddy sleeping over two nights in a short space. You need to tell him how you feel.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): Original op here. No he isn't an alcoholic at all. In fact he hardly drinks at all. I realise that as we live so far away I would have had no way of even knowing had he not told me, and like I say its not that I don't trust him. I just think it isn't on to be honest, and doubt it would happen if she had a partner - cant imagine many people thinking its ok, and he has a partner- me! And I don't think its ok.
I sent him a text this morning saying my view, nicely, and for him to consider this when he makes his decision around drinking. This said, I can see he hasn't seen it so he likely now has drunk alcohol and will be staying.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 July 2016):
 I think his excuse is ridiculous.
He wants to have a drink at an event and because of that... he has to stay overnight at his ex's house.. seriously?
How about he just doesn't drink and drive that hour home? I mean that is what most people would do.
I can get it if he had said it's going to be a late-night event and I don't want to drive an hour tired, but... he didn't... he wants to have a DRINK at an event....
Personally, I really not be OK with this. I know they may not have any feelings for each other any more and that whole shebang, but... he ONLY lives an hour away. THAT is where his bed is.
Do I think it's a big deal? Not sure. I think it's something that needs to be settled in a manner YOU TWO can be OK with.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (3 July 2016):
Um, so this is all new? I think you are right to understand in regard to the first time, but the second so he can drink? That isn't about the children and therefore I think it is reasonable to not find this acceptable as his partner. You seem sure nothing will happen, which is good, however it is in my opinion a point of principle and very insensitive of him, and you haven't even met? She is an ex, not a mate hes staying at. Yes, I wouldn't be happy at all with his reason for this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): I agree with you that it's inappropriate. It's got nothing to do with his children as he could attend the event with them then drive home. So it boils down to how much does he need to drink? Is he an alcoholic? If he needs to drink that much he should find a hotel to stay in.I also think staying with his ex twice in a matter of days is sending signals to his children of a reconciliation regardless of the semantics of where he sleeps.There maybe nothing in it on his side but what about on hers? Can you trust her? Once you've shared intimacy with someone it's much easier to do it again. What if they have too much to drink and they start reminiscing about old times and one thing leads to another...... Would he be happy for you to sleep at an ex's place for some spurious reason? I guess not then he shouldn't either.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2016): he is pushing things a little. Perhaps money is tight and he cannot afford to stay at a local commercial place like a hotel. But his loyalty to his children is something you cannot mess with.The children will come first, even ahead of you and that is just how it is.If he is giving the children false hope then that is not your issue.Sounds like he and his wife get on amicably, which is a good thing for the sake of the children. Children are young for such a short time, thus I would be inclined to accept the situation since you are certain he would not break your trust by restarting any close relationship with his ex.If that trust is solid between you and him then I would not be concerned.Try to behave as if it is not too concerning to you, though keep an open mind to any possibility that the wife is being extra nice with an ulterior motive of getting him to return to the marriage. Men may not see this type of manipulation but if you are alert to the possibility then you should be able to spot it early if it is on the agenda for his wife. Perhaps ask him to tell you more about his ex and listen carefully for what he does and does not like about his ex.
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