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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend of nearly 3 years has just told me he has booked a holiday to visit his friend abroad 10 days in less than a months time, alone. The break will cost nearly £900, we are supposed to be saving towards a house and this will set us back a lot and mean that we will not get to have a holiday together this year. Am I being stupid getting upset about this? I don't want to stop him going away but he didn't even seem to consider me in his decision, and has told me that he just needs to get away. He has had a rough year so far, and I have been there for him, it just seems as though he is running away from his problems and it is making me think that I may be one of his problems. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (24 April 2006):
 The most upsetting thing about his is that he did not discuss it with you first. Perhaps he knew you would say no. I have a brother who does the same to his partner for the same reason. He likes to go off with his mates on motorbikes. It may be that his tough year and the fact that he will be settling down with you are driving him to experience a blast of freedom first. The only way you will know is to talk about it. You could ask whether he would like to have the freedom in future to take the odd break on his own - would you mind this - and ask yourself whether you would like to be able to do the same. If so it all has to be added into the financial planning and it is fair that you should feel upset that it was not this time. When you talk with him discuss how/whether you will be able to take a break as well together (or on your own if you feel militant)by adjusting timings or expectations. It is important that he should be able to talk to you if he feels the need to escape and be blokey, so that you are not part of the problem. It does not mean that you have to agree every time and if you compromise so should he. I like getting away on my own sometimes. Men seem to like this type of thing, I am just recalling my Mum's horror when my Dad bought a huge motorbike and leathers at the age of 70. He had just recovered from a serious illness and did not consult her. He did it to feel alive and free. She too was rather miffed.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2006): The most upsetting thing about his is that he did not discuss it with you first. Perhaps he knew you would say no. I have a brother who does the same to his partner for the same reason. He likes to go off with his mates on motorbikes. It may be that his tough year and the fact that he will be settling down with you are driving him to experience a blast of freedom first. The only way you will know is to talk about it. You could ask whether he would like to have the freedom to take the odd break on his own - would you mind this - and ask yourself whether you would like to be able to do the same. If so it all has to be added into the financial planning and it is fair that you should feel upset that it was not this time. When you talk with him discuss how/whether you will be able to take a break as well together (or on your own if you feel militant)by adjusting timings or expectations. It is important that he should be able to talk to you if he feels the need to escape and be blokey, so that you are not part of the problem. It does not mean that you have to agree every time and if you compromise so should he. I like getting away on my own sometimes. Men seem to like this type of thing, I am just recalling my Mum's horror when my Dad bought a huge motorbike and leathers at the age of 70. He had just recovered from a serious illness and did not consult her. He did it to feel alive and free. She too was rather miffed.
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