A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I'm married with 10 childrens and had an affair with a man that has 4 Children. We go to the same church and that's where everything happened. He smiled at me all the time and then it ended up into a one night stand we met up and had sex only that one time and now he ignores me and doesn't want anything to do with me. I'm so angry and upset all i want is just to be good friends but he just ignores me like i don't exist what do i do? i'm so upset...
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (30 May 2016):
Sorry to be Captain Obvious - but you've had 10 children from how many men, and you are obsessing over a one night stand?
Something here is not adding up to me ...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): I hear you, OP.
I cry myself to sleep every night, too because even after 3 years, it's still only sex. :(
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): Thank you for the kind advice... but i don't feel lucky at all i just feel betrayed and used but yes you are right i will get over it...Maybe i'm just angry cause he loves his wife now after what had happened and i hate the fact that he shows it right in my face arggggg i don't have feelings for my husband anymore but i guess i'm just still with him for the sake of our children. He's also distant himself from me and finds lots of excuses to come home late or even to leave the house... I feel hurt,lonely and confused i feel like a trash bag...I can see that he's happy and even to see his wife happy and laugh it's not fair because i made me feel misrable and just left me hanging like i didn't exist... I hate myself for being so stupid, When i last talked to him on the phone he said it was my fault that i seduced him and he fell for it and that's the guilt that he carries around with him... he's blaming everything on me not once did he admit it was his fault too... I cry myself to sleep everynight that it hurts so bad.....I think it's because i thought that he cared and now i know it was only sex...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2016): OP, you will get over him. In time, you will.
Look at it as ripping off a band aid. It hurts now but it is the quickest and most effective way for your wound to heal.
Don't be like me. In an affair with a married man for three years where you have fallen in love with him and he is never going to leave his wife.
What this man did is going to spare you a world of pain in the long run. The pain you are feeling now pales in comparison to the pain you would feel the longer this affair would have continued.
Trust me. You are the lucky one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2016): Thanks for the advice, I had called this man several times at his work just wanting an explanation and he keeps hanging up, I just asked if he's o.k if somethings wrong and why is he ignoring but he just said what happened was a mistake and he regrets it and just wants me to leave him a lone... He said that he loves his wife and to please never call him again...I felt so hurt i just wished he said that we could still be friends... But he didn't say that he just said to please never call him again at his work i'm so lost and hurt.....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2016): Hi OP.Your feelings are perfectly understandable. And normal under the circumstances.A lot of women who have sex with a married man have feelings for him. Otherwise, many of us would not even consider doing it in the first place. We are not bad people. We just see them as a form of escape. That they will be our new knight in shining armour and rescue us from our unhappy marriages. Or we convince ourselves they really don't love their wives or they would not be with us. And pin our hopes on becoming his new wife someday. For women who sleep with married men, it is rarely about just sex. That is where men and women are different.It isn't that simple.Even if he WANTED TO, he cannot. Will not. He is committed to his wife and family. And that is just the way it is. You cannot fight the outcome. You will not win.As for he appears happy with his wife? Well, if he was that happy, he would not have had sex with another woman. That said, it does not mean he is going to leave her for you. His wife may be beautiful but beauty is not everything. She could be missing something in other areas. You just never know with people and relationships what is going on behind closed doors. And men have been known to cheat on beautiful women with less attractive women. Sometimes it is the need for something different or strange. There could be many reasons. But the one thing I can say is that it is all about sex. Just sex.Believe me when I say, he will get his justice someday. If he decides to cheat again, and he likely will, there will be a time that he is careless and his wife does catch him. You do not need to intervene. The situation will take care of itself.Feel bad for her. Look who she is married to. A cheater. A liar. A man who is not worth it.But she needs to find that out on her own. In time, she will.Just try to be happy. Do things which make you happy. The feelings will subside. I know it hurts now but try not to think about all of this. It becomes obsessive in your own mind. So, I suggest keeping yourself busy with other things. Your family. Do things for yourself to make you feel better. Work out. Take dance classes. Get your hair done. Try to reconnect with yourself. Find your inner peace. And gain back some of that confidence and fragile self esteem you have lost. Rebuild yourself after this. And tell yourself you will be just fine without him. And you will see how much better you will. Much of it is attitude and the talk we have with ourselves.As for your marriage, life is short. This dalliance is a sign your marriage is dead. Maybe it is time you get this all sorted out and get yourself some legal advice on how to separate from your husband. You have a lot of kids to consider in this equation. First and foremost, you want to make sure they are okay and taken care of. Please do not stay with him because of your kids. They will not benefit from this toxic relationship. It will actually hurt them more to watch you and your husband fighting all the time and not getting along.I hope it all works out for you. And I am sorry you are in so much pain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2016): Thanks for the advice.... I am so confused i thought he loved me and i trusted this man and i'm so angry with myself that i let him have sex with me that one time.... i feel humiliated, I thought it was going to be something special... I'm afraid i don't love my husband anymore and it's runined my marriage we argue everynight and day and yet i see this man Happy as ever with his wife that it gets to me... I do admit his wife is beautiful and i can't compare myself to her.... i don't know what to do i'm soo lost and feel so lonely maybe if he just wanted to be friends i'll be o.k.... I guess that not going to happen...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2016): I'm angry because i feel used, I just want his wife to know what happened to clear the air and so he won't say lies or make up lies to try and blame the fault on me.... I don't know i don't have feelings for my husband anymore yet i'm trying to work things out in our marriage and to try and love my husband again but i can see that he's starting to distant himself from me and coming home late now from work... I feel so upset and very angry that when i see this man i had sex with he's all of a sudden being so clingy to his wife and pampering her like i don't exist, I do admit his wife is very beautiful and i cannot compare myself to her... I feel so guilty and feel so sucked in realy bad and angry cause i trusted him and i thought he loved me and now i know it was only for sex and he dumped me like i don't even exist.... I don't know what to do i feel so sad and lonely i just wished i never opened myself to him i fell for him so badly and feeling so hurt... I still can't stop thinking about him .....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): Hi. OP.Nobody here can make that decision for you. At the end of the day, you are going to do what you want to do.BUT let me just point out that your anger is directed at the WRONG person. You are going to bring a world of HURT onto his wife. And, tell me, what does that accomplish? Will you sleep better at night knowing you caused that kind of pain to another human being? YES, IT WAS HIM WHO SLEPT WITH YOU AND IT WAS HIM WHO IS CAUSING HER PAIN FOR HIS ACTIONS. But two wrongs do not make a right. Getting even will NOT solve anything. It will NOT make you feel better. Maybe for a minute. But everything you are feeling will take time to go away. And telling his wife is not the way to do it.What is the best way to do it? Show him how strong you are. Walk away. Find another church.I understand the feeling for revenge but you CHOSE to sleep with him. YOU WERE A WILLING PARNTER. You KNEW he was MARRIED. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?? And now that it all blew up in your face, you are going to behave like a selfish and cruel child who did not get her way? WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.Spare his wife that kind of AGONY. Be a nice, kind human being with compassion. This is how you will make right what you did wrong. Are you NOT a church going person? Do you not practice compassion for others? HE does NOT deserve it. BUT SHE DOES.You have no right to tell her.Whatever happens between them is their business. Let it happen all on its own without your interference.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (27 May 2016):
 I think this may be you http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-married-and-had-sex-with-a-married.html
You dont want to be friends at all with this man. You want a relationship of some sorts which clearly he does not. Try and reclaim some of your dignity by stop contacting,trying to be in his presence or get his attention in any way if you still see him at church especially, in hope of making him change his mind. He wont, you to him were a mistake. You have to start to come to terms with him to you was a mistake.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): Thank you for your reply, But i'm still confused i had already told my husband what had happened and that myself and this man had a one time sex... So now i've cleared the air with my husband, My husband had called him at work and yelled at him for what happened and this man just apologised and said what's done is done and he can't turn back the clock and he's glad that his wife was opened with him... but i'm still angry cause he still ignores me and now i want my husband to tell his wife what happened between me and this man but my husband won't tell his wife because this man apologised to him.... I'm so angry why does he not want to talk to me or even be friends my husband knows what happened now but it's not fare that he hasn't told his wife.... i feel so used... I want him to feel so misrable just like how he made me feel... what do i do? Should i tell his wife what happened?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2016): This piece of shit has done you a favour.Now, if I were you, I would find myself a new church. You cannot continue seeing him around. This will only hurt you more and stop you from getting over him the way you need to get over him. So cut all contact.Move forward. Don't look back.I know how much it hurts now and how badly you feel. I have been there. But you need to let him go. He made a mistake and so did you. We are all human. If you ever did get back together with him, you are setting yourself up for a world of pain unlike any pain you have ever known. That kind of pain would not even touch how you are feeling at the moment. So, if you want to avoid having your heart broken and living in constant pain every day of your life, I suggest taking the hit now. Take whatever pain you are feeling and get it out of your system. Grieve the loss. And turn that energy around on your children. And husband. If you are feeling empty because your husband is not satisfying you, then you might need to go to counselling with him and work on fixing your marriage. The married man was an escape. To help you feel good temporarily. And you liked the taste of the drug. But listen to me: It is way easier to kick the habit after one time as opposed to going back year after year and forming an addiction. Then you are going to go through hell trying to kick that addiction. Be good to yourself. Love yourself. Be kind to your own heart. Do not be the blow up doll of some married philanderer. Even if he realized he made a mistake, he is a very cold man to cut you off like that. How can you want to be friends with a man like this? A man who cheats on his wife, has sex with you, then dumps you and treats you like you do not exist? You know in your heart that he does not have feelings for you. He used you for sexual gratification. Purely. If he did care about you at all, he would not be ignoring you this way. He couldn't. It would be too hard for him. But it seems to come so easily to him. Meaning it is not hurting him to lose you. He is not losing sleep because of it. He is not giving you a second thought. You need to HATE him. And HATE him more than anything right now. And so you SHOULD. So, please do not look at this as some grand romance because it was just one night of sex. Just sex. I am sorry but you could have been anyone. You are not special to him. You gave him permission. He would have gone with any other woman who gave him permission. Now, walk away with your head held high. Do the right thing. It is over. Please tell yourself this. And don't sink further into this dead end abyss. It has nothing to do with him rejecting YOU as a person. He is rejecting the mistake he made. He is rejecting the possibility of this affair resuming because he does love his wife and he realizes what he did was wrong. Or he just wanted to get his rocks off and leave. I am sure there are some married pigs who are career one night standers. They have sex with random women over time and leave them all, confessing guilt and shame. That's their GAME. No way of knowing which one he really is. And who really gives a damn. He is a loser either way. Don't let him drag you down over one night of meaningless sex. You have kids to care for. You are a MOTHER first. Now, focus on them. They NEED you. He, on the other hand, DOES NOT. He already has a wife and kids of his own.Please listen to my advice.You do not want to go down that road.You need to love yourself and gather your self esteem and dignity and ignore him back. If you can't do it for you, do it for your family. Your children. A mother focused on a dead end affair is no good to her family.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (26 May 2016):
 You write: ".... all i want is just to be good friends..."
WITH A CREEP WHO HAS TREATED YOU LIKE THIS????? Please come to your senses.... understand that he is a USER.... you were one who he "used"..... and be glad that he didn't leave you pregnant with that dalliance....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 A one night stand generally is have sex and then never see each other again, harder when you go to church together but it just means he is avoiding you now because he does not want anyone knowing about it. You cannot be good friends with a man you had sex with, you already crossed the line. He is not worth it, forget about it and learn in future not to have sex with someone so easy.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  + ♥, writes (26 May 2016):
 It could be that the man feels some shame and wants to distance himself from his indiscretion by distancing himself from you. You can't cajole or convince him to do otherwise.
He may succumb to the same temptation again (with you or someone else), but after the desire has been satisfied he'd prefer to pretend it never happened.
As much as it doesn't feel like it now he's really doing you a favour. It is inappropriate to be 'good friends' with him. I don't know what your status is but he's married.
Perhaps there are other ways you can enhance the quality of your life, quality pursuits, that will help take the sting out of this rejection.
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A
male
reader, Myau +, writes (26 May 2016):
 There's no real quick fix here. In time you will be over it and then you can find a man who is right for you.
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A
female
reader, BloggerChick  +, writes (26 May 2016):
 As much as you'll hate to hear this, it's called a one night stand for a reason. Sex with no strings attached and you have no sense of commitment or loyalty to that person. Seems like he was just wanted some fun away from a mundane lifestyle, and now that the fun has gone, so has he. I don't understand why you would want to risk destroying your family (or his for that matter) by cheating on your husband, but I guess everybody has their own reasons. The best thing to do is either forget about him and pretend the affair never happened. Or tell your husband and get him to tell his wife (which I highly doubt he would do). Personally I think your husband deserves to know who he has for a wife. This isn't fair on him and definitely not on your TEN children.The rooky mistake that so many people do is thinking that sex can lead to a relationship or friendship. You should build the foundations of a relationship before spreading your legs, otherwise they'll just "hit it and quit it". How can you expect friendship to emerge from a one night stand? This is reality not a fairytale.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (26 May 2016):
 I am pretty sure you have asked this question before on DC. The answer is you have to live with it. If a man wants to be with you then nothing will stand in his way. This one doesn't. He probably wants to protect his marriage and is worried he might get involved over his head.
You have broken the code you set out to live by as a church goer. Perhaps you should go and talk to your priest and ask for spiritual guidance. A trouble shared is a trouble halved. That is what he is there for. He can help you through this difficult time.
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