A
female
age
41-50,
*athie
writes:HI there guys,May I ask you something? I really need your thoughts about this situation I am in. I am married to a man far more older than I am, a 20-year gap. We've been married for almost 2 years now. He has a lot of things in his house that he does not want to throw or maybe donate. These things like old clothes that he does not use anymore. His clothes are sitting in one room of the house because there is no more room in his cabinet. I asked him if he could empty one cabinet that belongs to his son. (He has two sons who are living with his ex-wife for more than 10 years). I gave a suggestion to empty these cabinets occupied by his sons' clothes so he can use it so we can clear one room. One more thing, his daughter's room with some of her clothes and things like crayons, books and shoes is still untouched. I am actually bewildered. He does not like to do anything about it. I am thinking why he does this. Does this mean he can't move on with his life? That he still hopes his children will come and stay with him. I tell you, some clothes are for 3 year-old kids. His children's age are 18 and 20 something. I am really embarrassed about this. I don't have freedom to clean the house and throw some unused stuff. I hate staying in this house. I don't like my friends to visit because it is not presentable. There are clutters everywhere.What really pisses me off is... my things like books, clothes are still in the box (for almost 2 years). I will really appreciate anything you can say about this.
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female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (21 June 2011):
maybe it's also procrastination, like how the longer you put off doing something unpleasant, the more dreadful and a bigger deal the task seems until it takes on mountainous proportions in your head that makes you procrastinate even more.
if he's been procrastinating on cleaning out for years then maybe that is its own inertia.
and if those things are associated with painful memories or regrets, that could add to his dread. maybe the thought of going through every single item and deciding on its 'worth' and reliving memories, is too painful.
how about suggesting that you hire a cleaning and/or moving service to come in and just box things up him, so he doesn't have to do it himself. But the stuff won't be thrown out, he can have the comfort of knowing that every single item is still there, nothing is thrown out just boxed up and stored away...if necessary rent a storage unit to store his stuff, that way all his stuff associated with his past life can be gone from the house thus leaving you with a fresh start, yet without him lifting a finger, and it's not thrown out or eliminated it's still around for him to cling to in mind and spirit (and physically if he wants) and to deal with on his own time without pressure.
A
female
reader, Kathie +, writes (21 June 2011):
Kathie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi Cupidus..
You point out some really interesting ideas here. I feel its depth and soul. To be honest with you, I am touched with how you put it together. My husband is someone who really keeps things like a little something that will remind him of the place, event, etc. I really admire him for it and for quite some time I tried to really live with it. I respect him for who he is.
Furthermore, I acknowledge the fact that he has sons and daughter. I can't do anything to change that. I am just trying to objectively find my truth where I could root my peace. But the question that kept on coming back to my head is "Who and what I am in his life." If for almost two years my things are still in the boxes and my clothes are still in my suitcase, where do I belong? I feel so really unsure. I can't find reasons why he can't empty the cabinets so we can use them. If he does not like to donate or return the clothes of her children for whatever reason, we can actually put them in the box right since they don't usually come often to use them. One more thing, these are old clothes, some baby clothes. I believe it is just unusual for our things to stay where they are right now. The cabinets are occupied by people who are not staying in the house.
Anyways, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. This really is a good avenue where I get to speak with some people. Again, Thank you.
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A
female
reader, cupidus  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 Sorry but I'm going to use this Post as an example of the boxes we climb into.
The clutter we fill our minds with, our houses with, our relationships with.
How we somehow find ourselves climbing out of the box of our own clutter only to find ourselves climbing into someone elses box of clutter.
Why do we hoard relationships, things, thoughts, like we can't breath without them.
Are they what made us, are they there to warn us, to comfort us, to define us? Probably all of these things and more.
But freedom of the clutter in our minds and homes seems to terrify us. We all ask for unconditional love, freedom and peace for all man kind but we continue to hoard, harbor and enslave ourselves to ideals, religions, people, places and things. We seem to chain ourselves to NOUNS.
I find it an intriguing topic. I am in the process of moving to a new home and out of a No Value Added RS.
Every time I toss an item, I feel almost giddy and light headed. The fewest of things are from people that have been a blessing to me, those precious things that carry the vibration of love. But hell, everything else represents such a guilty waste for me and humanity.. I did not need it.
A smaller foot print, a light load and suddenly a revelation on simply living simple in everything.
It is said that happy people are light of heart and spirit.
That their body temperatures are actually higher than those who carry much burden and material worth. When in the presence of these people one feels there strong vibrations of heat and insight. Lighten the Load on your Road.
It's late, I have to give something away such fun...
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A
female
reader, Kathie +, writes (20 June 2011):
Kathie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi chocoholic forever,Thank you so much dear for taking time to share your thoughts. He does not listen to me. He is the one who owns the house and his decision prevails. I wish I can move out. I really wish I can. I am a foreigner who gave my 100% trust to this man. I don't have any relative or friend to call. Whoooo such a horrible and unfortunate situation I am in. I guess I have to suck this up as long as I can. SIGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH......
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A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (20 June 2011):
this is not normal or healthy behavior for a grown man...your husband does seem to be having problems moving on despite it being more than 10 years since his divorce. Not only that, but when his depression is interfering with normal daily functioning (and a house that is uninhabitable does qualify as impairing daily functioning) and it's been going on for so long, he needs professional help.
Another reason that people hoard stuff is due to mental illness, such as an obsessive compulsive disorder. So maybe he doesn't necessarily have a problems moving on from his divorce, but he suffers from OCD and that's why he hoardes things. If so, this problem will not go away by itself, he needs medical treatment.
But unfortunately he has to realize that his behavior is not healthy, it's severely affecting you and the marriage and that he needs help. I think all you can do is explain to you how this is so distressing to you because the house is uninhabitable, and that you can't live like this and that if he doesn't make changes in his life (which includes going to counseling to get a grip on his emotional problems if necessary) then you will have to move out and find a place of your own to stay. And then you should follow through on that, if anything for your own mental health. good luck!
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