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He has too much baggage but I don't have the courage to break up with him!

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (24 February 2015) 11 Answers - (Newest, 6 March 2015)
A female Canada age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Well, I'm trying to put an end to my 6 month relationship but I'm having a bit of trouble. I can't quite figure out my feelings towards him.

To briefly describe my relationship, I've always had second thoughts about us, but really wanted to try to make things work. This guy was different than all the other guys I've ever dated, although he has his ups and downs, but there's just no spark.

I'm not breaking up with him for any particular reason except that I don't think I could keep dating him if there's no connection. I just don't have the patience to deal with his baggage, and when I say baggage I mean his soft-drug habits, his medications, his anger problems... and more importantly his past which includes criminal records.

He also is unsupportive of my goals and is quick to knock down my plans for my career, meanwhile he is stuck at a minimum wage job and doesn't want to do anything else with his life. I feel like I could do better.

But here's the big issue. When I'm not with him I can't stand him... I tell all my friends that he's too clingy and I want him out of my life. But I don't know why I feel such hatred about my relationship, I'm usually never like that. And when I'm with him I don't even think about breaking up, and I could cry just thinking about it. When I'm around him, I'm happy in the relationship. I don't know how to overcome it, and I don't know why my feelings keep going back and forth.

I do know that I really want to move on considering that it's been 6 months already and I only love him as a friend, and I don't want to commit myself to someone I have doubts about.

But how do I do it? He really is a nice guy, I know I'm making him sound like a creep, but he really is a sweetheart, I just don't want to hurt him. How do I get past my swaying feelings?

View related questions: move on, spark

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015):

Go to his parents in-person, and explain to them that you have decided it is best for you to move-on. Inform them that he has threatened to do himself harm. It is time to shift the responsibility for his safety and well-being to his family.

They've pretty much coasted along, and left all this in your lap. He finds women to take care of him; then when they've realized their doing all the giving in the relationship and must leave, out comes the dramatics.

This is far over your head. The fact he hasn't killed himself thus far, usually means he doesn't really want to do himself real harm.

That does not mean he wont!

Just don't fault yourself, or take any responsibility for what he does to himself. You can't be held hostage by this guy. If his family gave two cents for him, they'd put his sorry-ass in a rehabilitation facility; and get him some professional-help.

He has relied heavily on the emotions, kindness, and care-giving nature of women. He has alienated all his friends. This sets the framework for co-dependency. He manipulates things to enable his recreational drug-use.

Your relationship is thereby constructed in a way that only he can thrive within it; as his partner languishes. It was cruel of his ex to tell him he would never amount to anything. That was unnecessarily hurtful. Only because she waited so long to leave. It took anger to give her the courage. That's why I've suggested that you not mess around with his head. That is just as cruel.

He can't place the burden on you to stick around; while he has contributing ab-so-lutely NOTHING to the relationship. He even denies you your dreams, and denounces your plans for a career. If he's suicidal; that's what hospitals, paramedics, and emergency call numbers are for.

Now the responsibility shifts to his parents. Had this just been a breakup between two mentally-sound people, it would be none of his parent's business. Since he's likely to go drama-queen and hurt himself, let them sit vigil over him. They brought him into this world, now let them deal with him.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 March 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI agree, IF you REALLY think he is suicidal and not just trying to manipulate you, CALL his mom/dad and let them know that he threatened with suicide.

I would also suggest you STOP talking to him. I know you don't want him to hurt himself (that IS a given) but you have stated over and over that you don't feel it's working. And all he does is bring out the little violins and start playing the "blame game".

YOU are not equipped to deal with a suicidal person. Most people aren't.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (6 March 2015):

chigirl agony auntIf he is a danger to himself, then you call his mother and the cops, and they will bring him to a doctor and have him placed in an institution with professionals who will take care of him. My ex was suicidal, and I brought him to the doctor and he was placed in a mental institution. Youre not equipped to handle a suicidal person, it is not your job, nor your responsibility, and you might make matters worse by indulging him and allowing him to carry on like this.

If his friends have left him, then take that as a seriois warning. He is not rifht in the head, and needs HELP, NOT a girlfriend. Hes not mentally capable of looking after himself, he is in no position to have a relationship.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the responses.

Here's the update.

I haven't seen him face to face since my last update, and I've only been in contact with him via text messages. However, the other night he and I were talking on the phone and once again the issue of our dying relationship came to topic. He started crying again and was going on about his problems, like how he crashed his dad's car a couple months ago and has to pay his dad back for it, he has to pay bills, his job is getting very stressful (he's a waiter... haha...), and how his friends all cut him out of their lives. His only friend now is his weed dealer. Then when he started complaining on how I've been inconsiderate and selfish not to consider the possibilities of our relationship and how he doesn't understand how this is a solution I kind of snapped. I took that backbone, Tisha-1, and told him "I've got my priorities! I need to worry about MY future." blah blah blah, he started yelling back. But then he said, "You're the only thing that's good in my life. I can't stay positive if you're not with me. You're taking all my happiness away, and now I have nothing." He threatened to commit suicide.

Now I know that most people agree that when that card is played it's more for attention. But I don't think he's bluffing. He attempted suicide a couple months before we started dating because his ex basically told him why he'll never amount to anything... or something to that effect. I didn't know this until 4 months into the relationship, that was when things started to plummet downhill.

I take this issue rather personally, my cousin had committed suicide when I was 12, and I was really close with him. He OD'd on pills when his girlfriend left him, ironically for the same reasons I want to leave my boyfriend.

When I say he's a danger to himself, he really is, and I'm really scared of what to do next. I feel like I'm trying to walk on eggshells.

WiseOwlE, I know your post was really helpful with the whole comparison to a rescue pet, and I think you have me completely figured out. I'm trying really hard not to be emotionally manipulated, but I don't know how to go around this whole issue. I can tell you right now, he doesn't act like a grown man.

What should I do?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (3 March 2015):

Tisha-1 agony auntHe's a sweetheart, but you are concerned about him being a danger to your or himself? That's not a sweetheart, that's an emotional blackmailer.

Tell his mother you are going to break up with him.

Then do it, and do NOT stick around after you have told him that sadly the relationship is over. NO sticking around to comfort him, no letting him cry all over you.

It's been 6 months. You know it's not working for you. Do you plan to go on for months or years or a lifetime trying to break up with him?

I think I would end it over the phone. You've tried in person and you aren't strong enough.

Perhaps you need some moral support from your friends and family while you do the break up? Have your best friends or mom helping you keep on message. Break up with him then call his mother to let her know what's happened and then block him.

The analogy I once heard was rather graphic (and I don't condone this act at all, just to be entirely clear) but perhaps this will help you see how prolonging the relationship is extending the period of pain. What's the best way to cut off a dog's tail? A little at a time or all at once? Which method will cause less pain?

You are already most of the way out the door, just go ahead and step through and close it. You will live. He will live. It will be painful but it is most definitely not the end of the world nor are you responsible for his happiness. HE is.....

Here's a bit of backbone to help you out: =+=+=+=+=+=+ :)

Go be brave.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2015):

You can't be manipulated by emotional-outbursts, and his behavior is most peculiar. Grown men don't carry on that way, with all the dramatics of clinging, crying, and whatnot. That performance is all for your benefit. Oh, sure, you said he has issues. You're being played!

It has only been six-months long!!! He's not going to be a danger to you, or to himself. Get a restraining order. I think you'd be better off not to drag this out; then you're messing with his head.

Isn't the real problem, you're afraid of him?

If you don't know how to end an unhealthy relationship; you need to be extremely careful with the kind of guys you get yourself involved with. You got yourself into this, now you have to get yourself out! The guy is a mess.

He's a grown-man, not a rescue animal. Remember what I said in my first post?

He stifles your dreams, has anger issues, and has a drug-abuse problem. All that, and a criminal record.

But he's so sweet! Seriously?!!

If you let guys play on your emotions, you set yourself up for psychological-blackmail; and held emotional-hostage.

You're already tired of dragging the dead-weight. I do recommend that you not tell his mother anything. She'll only complicate matters by throwing a guilt-trip on you.

You don't go to a grown-man's mother about your relationship. Are you kidding? You are definitely in over your head here! You're dancing around all this, now that's what makes things harder for you.

Practice in-front of a mirror if you have to. If you feel unsafe, then tell YOUR family; or go to your parents. Let me guess, you had to come to DC; because they and your friends have already warned you about him? Well, swallow your pride, pack your things, and go home!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2015):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you guys, I loved all your answers.

So I'd like to update you on the situation:

A couple days after I wrote this I went to his house and breaking up became a topic that I had hinted at with the guy. I let him know that I'm going to be far too busy to focus on our relationship and I'd need to make time for myself before I could ever consider having a boyfriend. Needless to say that he didn't take that so well. He started crying hysterically and at one point clung to my hip while he was sobbing. He then asked me if I was breaking up with him and I said "Well, not right now, but I will no longer have time for the relationship and I know things are just going to end." (which was a really bad response... but I panicked)

We ended the night on an awkward note.

So a couple days later we were together again to continue talking about the situation and he suggested that he move to my town, so that way we can see each other even if for a couple minutes. I told him that it wouldn't fix anything and that "it's not you, it's me" sort of deal.

I know that I need to stop beating around the bush... but it's getting really hard.

I really wish I was stronger so that I could just walk away. But when he starts crying then I feel terrible.

And the other day when I was in his room I found a letter sitting on his desk. He had ID pictures from when he was in high school that were wrapped in the letter. When I looked on the back of the IDs there were little notes that he had written that summed up that year of school. 3 out of the 4 IDs mentioned a girl he REALLY wanted to be with, and the letter mentioned his ex-girlfriend that he really loved and couldn't stand being without her. So now I'm wondering if he's just the type of guy who overly attaches himself to whoever is around, which makes breaking up a little easier but I still don't know what to do.

My mom had said to me before to let the guy's mom know ahead of time.

I know that you all are saying that I should just end it quickly, and believe me, I want to. But I've never broken up with somebody before. I'd feel worse doing it over the phone, but that may be a better option. I'd prefer things to end on terms where he wouldn't be a danger to me or himself. Should I just slowly phase him out? Or be blunt?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (24 February 2015):

Honeypie agony auntI think the BIGGEST reason you haven't dumped him yet, is because you don't want to be "mean" to him. The second biggest, is that you RATHER (and that is sad) date this LOSER than be alone.

So my suggestion, you two are not compatible. You have goals and drams, he has none. He has baggage, the kind that you just can't avoid. Drug-use, anger problems AND.... a criminal past. Now while he MIGHT be able to one day decide to kick the drugs and work on the anger, he will ALWAYS have a criminal record. And he may also relapse... All in all, he might be a decent fella, but he SURE is no keeper. (and you KNOW this)

If you can't end it with him in person, do it over the phone. If he has stuff at your place pack it up and arrange for him to pick it up (have a friend with you when he does).

I was in a bad relationship - just how bad, I don't think I realized til the day I broke up with him. But like you.. I dating him WAY longer than I should have. He was no good. No good for me.

End it. DO this FOR you. (and him, because it's NOT fair to string him along, just so you don't feel bad or alone).

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2015):

I'll cut to the chase. He's just a bed-warmer and a companion to protect you from loneliness. You have subconsciously compared being alone, searching for a man; to a bird in-the-hand. Thus the conflicting feelings; but it's more complicated than that.

Want me to spell it out for you?

You're a nice person. Maybe a little too nice. You act tough, talk tough; but you're not as tough as you appear.

You've already figured this all out. Your final conclusion or rationalization being; it's better to have any man than no man. It may not even be a conscious-decision to keep him around; but emotional-dependency and the fear of loneliness may play a huge role in it. You're very young, and you don't have a lot of experience with men. Most of your past relationships must not have been very good; or you'd have kicked him to the curb five months ago. So you have a high "tolerance."

He's like a rescue pet from an animal-shelter that didn't workout. You feel sorry for him and responsible, all the same. He's a pitiful little puppy. Annoying when he soils the rug, but sometimes loveable. His appeal quickly wears off. Am I getting warm?

You feel guilty; because you feel by letting him go he'll resort to the worst. You feel he'll decline, and it's totally downhill out on his own. You've assumed a caretaker-role and took him in, feeling you're saving him from himself. You thought he was a "fixer-upper." He probably has a cute face, average to nice body, has a boyish-quality, and uses his charms on you.

All your complaining is a facade. It's true, you can't stand having him around; but you feel somehow responsible for helping him to hold it together. I see right through you, my dear lady!

You don't want him, you just don't want anything bad to happen to him. Well, he's a grown-man, and he's got so much baggage he's dead-weight. He's dragging you down, making you miserable, and there is no spark. He's a slacker with no ambition. Don't worry! He'll find another home; or return to his parent's house to live in their basement, or his old room. I assure you. He found you, and he'll find somebody else.

Okay, I've taken away all your excuses and rationalizations, and called you out!

KICK HIM OUT!!! He's a loser, you've gone so far as to publicize it to all your friends. They're waiting with folded-arms, patting a foot, and wondering what you're going to do about him. They know you're all talk.

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A male reader, Sageoldguy1465 United States +, writes (24 February 2015):

Sageoldguy1465 agony auntKey to your submittal is this: "...but there's just no spark....

If you got in your car to go someplace... and this (quote, above) applied... then you could sit in your driveway and crank the starter moter forever.... and you STILL wouldn't get "any place."

The same applies to this "relationship"...... Get new spark plugs!!!

Good luck..

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (24 February 2015):

chigirl agony auntYou're having conflicting feelings, so no wonder you swing like a yo-yo when it comes to describing how you feel. You like him, on the one side, but on the other you don't think he's the right guy for you. So you like him, but you don't like him enough to want to continue the relationship. But you like him just enough that you don't want to end things either.

In times like these it often helps to ask yourself this question:

What would you do if he f-ed up with something? Would you be happy and think "yes, now he has royally screwed things up so bad that I have a legitimate reason to end things without feeling guilty"..? Because if the answer is yes, then the reality is that right now you're just hanging around waiting for him to screw up so you can ditch him. And if that is the case, then you might as well just end things already and save yourself the time, and save him the illusion that he's in a relationship, because you've already left. You're just waiting for the opportunity to ditch him without making yourself appear as the bad guy.

I know this, because last year I was in the same position. I was in a relationship that I didn't actually want to be in. But I didn't feel like I had grounds to break up either, not without making myself appear as the "bad guy" in the relationship. My then bf was mentally ill, so wasn't really at fault for anything, he couldn't help being ill. Yet it was not possible to have a normal relationship, and I didn't have the patience or desire to stick around for an indefinite time to see if he got better. After some time I realized I was just waiting for him to do something terrible, like forget an appointment with me or something, so that I could be upset with him with good reason and end things. Shortly after realizing that this is how I felt, he actually DID screw up.. well, as most people will do from time to time, and I ended things. Now, when people asked me why I ended it (because people do ask...) I had some good reason I could tell them.

But actually, I shouldn't have waited around, I should have just ended things the moment I knew I didn't want the relationship. It's just procrastination, really.

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