A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Long story short I have talked to my boyfriend about how uncomfortable it makes me feel that he does not have anything on any social media websites that say he has a girlfriend. No pictures, no statuses, his relationship status on FB is blank. He has never once mentioned me and we have been together almost 2 years. He post pics with family, friends and colleagues. I feel he is ashamed of me. He finally put something up that hinted to the fact that he is in a relationship. Today I saw that he took it down. I asked him why very nicely and he said he didn't know. I didn't fuss because I feel I have simply had enough. I proceeded to take down anything associated with him off one of my social media networks. At this point, I am feeling not only bummed but my self esteem is being affected. He is now upset that I deleted the pictures. Am I overreacting or being petty? I did it to stop feeling like this part of our relationship is one-sided. If he doesn't want it public why should I be proud and display it? BTW, 9 times out of 10 he introduces me to people by my first name only, he does not say I am his girlfriend. I even feel uncomfortable commenting on pictures he posts. Am I wrong and what would you do in my shoes? Also, one social network still has that I am in a relationship and still has some pictures of him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2013): You should have IMMEDIATELY shared your boyfriend is a well known actor! It changes everything! The fact you have met his family and friends, tells you everything.Most of the time couples in Hollywood keep their relationships private until they are planning to marry to keep the media away from the partner. It could be a safety issue, and privacy and allowing you to lead a semi normal life.Everything you have said, and the advice given would have been different if you shared that straight off the bat. You know very well what his reasons are, and why it's ok for you to post but not him. Either accept why things are the way they are ( you know why ) or else go find someone who isn't famous and who is happy to post all about you and him, with lots of photos that you can comment on to your heart's content, which is what you truly want.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): With that newest piece of info: that he's sorta famous, and that you know most of his family and friends... I think you should let it go.The reason (from what youre saying) that he's ok with you having those pics and things up and not him is because your page is just for friends and family... his page has complete strangers on it, fans even.There are two reasons he may not want you splattered across his page, 1) privacy since he has those fans, 2) he doesnt want to lose fans by changing their image of him... that's a harder pill to swallow, and it's one he'd probably never admit to you. But don't mistake that for meaning he doesnt love you, just that he's scared of taking risks for his budding career .... How much would it bother you that his career would be that important to him?I think you should put your pics back up.... or at least stop taking them down, because you don't have the multitude of strangers there anyway. Perhaps he'd be willing to open a separate private page just for close friends and family? one where he'd have no excuse not to post a bit about you. Or some similar type of compromise without totally invalidating his reasons
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 July 2013):
 So he is respecting YOUR privacy too, by not gushing about all over the Internet.
I have much respect for your man.
Since you said he is an actor I can just imagine the kind of crap that COULD come your way if he put that out there.
However, he should have explained WHY he does it in a way you can understand, instead of assuming that you do.
The fact that he hasn't had a problem with YOU posting these pictures of the two of you says a lot. Think about it. And for goodness sake talk to him about it.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (14 July 2013):
 If his family and friends know you are his girl then what do the social media sites matter?
Not everyone likes indicating stuff like this on media sites (myself included) because speaking from experience it attracts unwanted attention (jealous exes etc). Its nothing personal that he won't flash the relationship online because the way he treats you in reality should be the only thing that matters.
I think that because of the social media thing you are feeling as though he thinks you aren't good enough to show off when that isn't the case. All im saying is we're all different and he has his reasons and maybe if you ask him what his reasons are (without throwing a fit) he might tell you and you'll fully understand why.
Otherwise don't let it bother you because its not worth the issues its causing
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 July 2013):
 After having gotten new info from the OP, it looks as if his reluctance is limited to social media sites, and the OP isn't a secret to his entire life.
In that case, with the new information, I'd say let him be in regards to his social media. You are cherished to him in all of the circles in real life.
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A
female
reader, socialworker30 +, writes (14 July 2013):
I AM THE ORIGINAL ASKER OF THE QUESTION THANKS FOR THE NEW RESPONSES:
I have met his family and I know all of his close friends. We spend a lot of time together and he does A LOT for me in a monetary sense. I am very appreciative of what he does for me in a financial aspect because it is very nice and thoughtful. I am in a position where I can focus on my studies and not have to worry about working. All of these things are great but without loyalty what do you have?
To answer someone's question thousands and thousands of people would see that he is in a relationship. He is a pretty famous actor so he has a lot of fans.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 July 2013):
People do "social media" in different ways, he apperently likes o keep you private and the details of the relationship private, I assume his family & friends knows about you by now?
So I will agree with CMMP. I don't think anyone HAS to SCREAM it to the world on their FB account in order to LOVE someone.
BUT with that said, I don't blame you for taking them down. I think it's a little odd that he can't put a status up pr a photo - I'm sure you two have some great shots of the two of you that he can share. I would honestly talk to him about it. Face to face not over text/OM/FB. Tell him how it makes you feel. I would also ask him why he introduces you by name only. And I wouldn't ACCEPT a .. "I don't know..." as an answer. He isn't a 5 year old, he can surely articulate it in a way you can understand.
Does his FB tie into his work? Are his colleagues/boss friends on it? Does he post random crap or "emo" stuff? Or does he use it sparingly? It could be that "that" part of his life is something he doesn't want to share on the internet.
Talk to him, don't try and analyze what he does. LET him explain it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (14 July 2013):
When we're married, we wear wedding rings. In high school days of old (maybe they still do this now, it's been a while for me!), we'd wear our boyfriend's class ring or a letterman jacket or something else.
Why do we do this? It's to show the world that we are part of a partnership. In ancient times, there would be an exchange of tokens, a merging of a family coat of arms, etc.
Now? That is fulfilled by a relationship status, pictures, posts, introductions.
This goes far beyond an issue of privacy. This is about a lack of commitment. I would find it a deal breaker if after 2 years, he wasn't proud of people knowing that we were a couple and he's off the market. Relationships which are healthy should never be a secret. He is prolific on social media, yet the one post he hints at supposedly the most important person in his life, he is ashamed of and takes down. He is upset that you take things down, yet he refuses to even acknowledge you to his friends.
I think the choice of how to express your couplehood is his choice. If he doesn't want to do social media, it's okay, but has he had you meet his family after two years, or introduced you as his girlfriend, or given you something to wear, like jewelry or whatever? It's one thing to be wary of being too personal on social media. It's another to make you a dirty little secret. I wouldn't put up with it if he hid you from all aspects of his life. In a serious relationship, it's healthy to slowly merge lives, keeping individuality, yet having circles overlap.
I'd have a straight talk with him about your future. No more "very nicely", because you haven't been straight with him. You just simply take stuff down on your own site to send him a message, and "very nicely" reference only one activity.
Sit him down and tell him that the whole hiding of you has to stop, and that a relationship unacknowledged and unproud of is no relationship. Tell him you want to be his girlfriend in EVERY circle he has, from social media to his friends to his family, and at 2 years, it's well past time for that to happen. Press him as to exactly why this has happened, and don't take "I don't know" as an acceptable answer.
His response to that will dictate what your move is. If he denies you and wants you to stay his secret, then what is your next move? You either accept it, or leave him for someone whose love for you has him proudly showing you off to others he loves, adding you to his pantheon of true loved ones.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): FB destroys about as many relationships as it helps form, usually from what people say than what they don't say. Real life has a bit more meaning than what you see on a web page. Do you see you boyfriend in reality? Do you love each other? Live together, cook food together, go to the movies, have sex, play, laugh, ??? For most people, including me, FB is fun to join in with, but my love life is far too private to share, I would never post a pic of my girlfriend, they are mine only. Try to stop being controlled by social media companies whose only interest in you is to make a buck out of you. get a life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): CMMP- it is good to have a male opinion and thank you for your advice. I would like he and I to be on the same page, if he is uncomfortable with making it known he is in an exclusive relationship he should not expect me to do so. He is now upset that I have taken the pictures and relationship status down, yet he has never had any posted. It is unfair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): Guys who do this make all kinds of excuses about why they do it.
I have yet to hear a good one.
I had an ex who did this as well. No evidence of "us" on Facebook; if we ran into his friends while out he'd introduce me by my name or not at all.
This same guy turned out to be either unwilling or unable to set appropriate boundaries with his female friends. To this day I am not sure if his desire to appear single while in a relationship with me was the root of the problem or a side effect of it, but I deserve better and I dumped his a**.
You are NOT overreacting. After two years with your BF, there's no excuse for him not to acknowledge you, and I'd take it as a huge red flag that he doesn't.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 July 2013):
He's not doing anything wrong and either are you. But, it's not fair to assume he's trying to hide anything. Some people just like to keep certain things close. If you don't agree with him, you're free to leave. If you don't want to leave then just learn to accept it without taking offense.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): Largenstgirl89- to answer your questions, he and I have been in an exclusive relationship for almost 2 years, however we have known each other for many more years. It is not just Facebook, he has an instagram as well and he is on it on a regular basis. He does not post pictures everyday. He is actually an extreme catch in the eyes of women, i.e. successful, handsome, healthy, in shape, funny, and wealthy. There are more women than I can count that wishe he was their boyfriend instead of mine. Yes he is computer savvy. When he is online he usually is posting something funny, or pictures from an event or work. Many people comment so he is responds with something like "thank you" and he is thanking everyone. He does not flirt with people that I know of.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2013): I truly appreciate the responses you guys have given to me. I will have another talk with him. He knows exactly how I feel about this situation. His feelings and what he wants seem to mean more. You really gave good advice and helped me to see that I am really not in the wrong. I am sensitive and do not like to hurt people so I tend to second guess myself sometimes.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (14 July 2013):
 How long have you been dating?
Does he get on his facebook on a regular basis? What does he do? Check mail? Message friends? Talk to other women?
Is he computer savvy?
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (14 July 2013):
If my boyfriend made me feel uncomfortable about posting anything on his pictures, then he isn't much of a boyfriend. The fact that his relationship status hasn't changed, he has no pictures, status updates saying he's hanging with his girl, nothing, it sounds to me that in his head, he isn't in a relationship.
I don't think you are overreacting at all. He is upset that you took down photos off of your facebook of you and him? Tell him to put some of the two of you on his. Tell him to change his relationship status to "in a relationship." If he can't do that, then he is in denial about being in a relationship, wants to keep you on the side but keep his options open or he has a deep seated fear of commitment and literally can't change anything about his page.
I would consider having an in depth talk with him about what he wants out the relationship he has with you. Establish if you are his girlfriend or not. Don't let him play you. you deserve a lot better than that.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (14 July 2013):
 There are two ways to solve this solution, the first one is to bring it all to a head. Next time he introduces you to somebody just by your name, smile broadly, hold out your hand and say "Hi, I'm Bill's (or whatever his name is)girlfriend, pleased to meet you!"
If Bill reacts negatively, either on the spot or later, you ask for clarification of your status in his life, am I, or am I not your girlfriend? If he says yes, then tell him that is how you expect to be treated in the future, if he says no, then pick up your purse and leave .... for ever!
Second solution, sit him down, across the kitchen table is always good, make sure he is looking at you, not at the table, or the curtain wafting in the breeze, but at you. Talk to him, tell him what you have told us, let him know he is hurting you, if he looks away, repeat his name until he looks back at you, your face and your eyes, not your chest or left ear, if he refuses to communicate, then pick up your purse and walk ..... unless its your place in which case you stand up and open the door and tell him, don't call me, I'll call you .... but of course the idea here is that you wont.
You can do this, you will be apprehensive to start with, but you can do it!
Good luck!
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