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He has not told his ex about me yet. Is is reasonable for me to feel so hurt? Am I over-reacting?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, The ex-factor, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (19 March 2017) 6 Answers - (Newest, 30 March 2017)
A female Ireland age 41-50, *rudi writes:

I've been going out with my partner for one year. We both have kids from previous relationships.

Being a mother and full time parent i have included him in my two kids lives.

We both have teenage daughters.

He spent christmas with his ex and stayed over even though they live quite close.

They spent st. Patricks day together and he still hasnt told them about me.

I get on well with him but am very hurt. Am i over reacting

View related questions: christmas, his ex

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (30 March 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntYip if this was me I would be really hurt. Why keep you a secret? I can see the point for a while yes, but you have both been together a year now so I think its about time he told the truth. Also I would not be happy with the fact he has slept over.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (20 March 2017):

After a year, and neither his ex-wife or daughter know about you; he's hiding you for a reason. He doesn't want baby-mama drama; or he wants to stay in her good graces.

He seems to spend his holidays with his family, as though he is hoping to reconcile at some point; or they have a co-parenting situation that excludes the people they're dating. Teenage girls can be pretty protective of their dads; and he might even be protecting you and your daughter from the scorn of the other two. They may not be very nice.

I think it is well past time you confront him about why you haven't been introduced. Ask him directly why he hasn't told them about you and your daughter.

It is best that you determine if he's not just passing through, and you're not just someone on the side. Then reorganize your feelings about a man who hides you from someone who's supposed to be his ex. He can't be too serious about you, if he isn't man enough to handle his ex and his daughter.

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A female reader, YouWish United States + , writes (19 March 2017):

YouWish agony auntTelling the ex and telling the children I see are two separate issues. I am inclined to agree with Honeypie in this instance - I'd be questioning whether or not they're divorced or merely separated and still married. That happens much more than you might think, and staying with the ex on holiday should NOT be happening at all.

You've been seeing him for a year, which is about the right time to talk to the kids about you. While it's not prudent to tell kids about new boyfriends/girlfriends right when the relationship starts, it's usually at the nine months to one year mark where serious relationships are disclosed. In short, he has no reason whatsoever to not tell them about you. Not only that, but telling his ex should have happened RIGHT when your relationship started being a relationship, meaning the moment you two started having sex and calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend, the ex should have been told "I'm seeing someone new". The fact that he hasn't told her?? That's highly suspicious.

I would reserve being hurt until I heard the reason why he hasn't notified them. One year is a long enough time, and like Honeypie said - he's getting the domesticity of marriage plus the thrill of having someone on the side. That someone on the side is YOU until he gets to the point where YOU are the woman whose feelings he wants to protect.

Now, always the kids come first no question about it. But the ex and the children are two separate issues. Spending time with the children does not mean that he has to be with the ex, and not telling the ex should legally have ZERO bearing over his time with those kids. I think he's in denial over things being over between him and his ex, and most DEFINITELY his ex is not over him. No way!

I would tell him that you're not interested in sharing him with an ex, and that you want proof that the divorce is final, and that the kids and the ex are told about you, or you're done. It's not fair to you. It's not fair to his kids to keep up a fantasy.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (19 March 2017):

Honeypie agony auntSo, He too has a teenage daughter and SHE doesn't know about you either?

Is he fully divorced from her? Could it be that you are a "secret" because the divorce isn't final and he doesn't want to rock the boat (NOT that it's a good excuse but it might explain it)?

I would honestly bring it up. IF you two have been a couple for a year, WHY does his daughter not know and why does the ex-wife not know.

Seems to me he gets the BEST of both Worlds - to occasionally for holidays play house with the ex-wife and the rest of the time he has you.

I would NOT be ok with being some "dirty secret" when dating someone. While I think it's OK to NOT introduce your children to a new partner too soon, I think a year is reasonable.

Also, are you SURE they don't know?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2017):

I am assuming from your post that his children don't know about you either.... or the ex would know.

And here you are making him an integral part of your children's lives.

Now there are reasons that one partner would take longer- a mess divorce or kids living very far away and not seeing them much, not getting on with the ex which settlements are agreed etc. BUT this is not your situation is it.

He stays over while she's there still? Or does she leave to enable them to spend time together him and the kids? He's going out with her and them together or just her? If he lives near there's no reason to stay over and it's not reasonable this whole thing. You should be hurt- he's out of order and hurting you.

He's thinking he can have his cake and eat it too- happy families and compartmentalising the sections of his life. He's not investing much in you if after a year his kids don't know about you or have met you. He's saying your not that important that he would risk exposing his kids to you and this other part of his life he has with you.

He holds the answers as to why you are not known about in the lives of his kids, and you and him need to talk about why he's playing happy families with his ex

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2017):

Of course it is reasonable to feel hurt. If it was me I would feel shattered. You are not over-reacting at all.

If he is certain that he wants to remain the EX of his wife and wants to date you then it is time that he stopped two timing you with his ex.

The ex would know all about you through his daughters so it is the wife's way of telling you that she has him wrapped around her little finger.

What does this man use for a backbone?

Clearly his wife if not over him yet and is happy to have him stay over. Is he too scared to tell her he has been dating?

Are his finances so fragile that he cannot afford to stay in a local establishment where he has to pay the tariff to stay there.

Tell him that when he is over his ex wife that perhaps you might consider dating him again.

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