A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband is emotionally unavailabe. He is passive agressive but not in a hurtful way. He never tells me "No you cant go here or do that" but when I go ahead and do things, he literally lays on the couch the whole time I'm gone and feels sorry for himself...wont even eat. We never solve a conflict ever. If I try to bring something up his response is "I know, I'm a jerk, I'm sorry. I love you." Then we dont talk about it again. If the argument gets heated on my side (He never says anything while i try to talk to him) he starts making excuses about why things are the way they are; i hate my jod (which he doesnt) I"m sorry I cant do this, I dont know what to say, Please lets not fight, all I know is I love you. The problem is, things never get resolved...ever. This has been going on for almost 5 years now. He has no friends, and has very little interest in anything other than computer games. He does very little for himself, I do all the housework, cooking, etc. He wont even heat himself something in the microwave. He says "You do it so much better..." I cook only the things he likes, which is very little. We do only the things he likes to do, by ourselves, never with a friend or couple. He never yells or even raises his voice. He is the "nice guy" in everyones eyes. he is also very emotionally fragile. I have bought hundreds of dollars in self help books for myself, but there doesnt seem to be a catagory for us in any of them. He knows he needs counseling (his words, not mine), makes the appointments and then doesnt go. I am at my wits end! He just refuses to try...anything...ever. My life has turned into a pit of sad disparity and lonelyness. He thinks things are great. His mother is the exact same way. Its to the point where she doesnt even leave her house anymore...just sits all day giving excuses why she doesnt do anything. My fear is he will be just like her and my life...what little I do...will be over by the time I'm 40 something. Advice please.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (17 May 2010):
 I think you got great advice (except for the first poster, I didn't really understand how all of this makes your husband great.), but I'd like to suggest perhaps couples counseling? Because really, this is your problem too - you have to deal with it, and you must have a lot of anger from years of this attitude and all of the unresolved issues. And also, that way counseling can be something that you do together, to conquer your issues (or see if your marriage can be saved), and you'll be there to encourage him to go to therapy with you. Hey, drag him there the first few times. I'm sure he's scared about going in the first place, let alone going alone.
And afterwards (or beforehand), maybe you can make it a little more positive by going out for lunch, or a movie. I think before you leave this marriage, you should try to see if you can make it work... you owe those vows a good effort (even though it seems that your tolerance HAS been a good effort), and if there's simply nothing to save, end the marriage and find happiness with someone who makes you happy, not that drags you down and wears you out.
Good luck to you both, sweet!
A
male
reader, called Steve  +, writes (17 May 2010):
 I dont want to simplify anything but these traits seem to be classic signs for depression! He needs help and soon...
Steve
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A
female
reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Although it only lasted 6 months, I was in a relationship with a guy who was like this. He never helped me out, he avoided arguments at all costs, spent all his time smoking weed with his mates, not trying in sixth form, not looking forward to college and hardly playing his drum kit. He lived off curry that he cooked in a microwave and rice crispies. He was a lovely guy but I hardly saw him towards the end and when I was there it was so boring. It consisted of sitting doing nothing, having bad sex and being hungry! I was lucky because I fell for someone else who loved me too, we've been together for 11 months now and he is incredibly passionate and I have no regrets, I am still friends with my ex, as is my current boyfriend. Leave him and let him get on with his life. If he wants to make something of his life then he'll get out there and if not then he deserves to be a bum. Get out and spend time with people that you never could before. You may fall head over heels with a passionate and romantic man like I did =]
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A
female
reader, Auntie E +, writes (16 May 2010):
 Get out now! This guy is a cinder block around your neck! You said so yourself "I am at my wits end! He just refuses to try...anything...ever. My life has turned into a pit of sad disparity and lonelyness. He thinks things are great." None and I mean NONE of this will change. You already see your future by looking at his mother "My fear is he will be just like her and my life...what little I do...will be over by the time I'm 40 something." You are exactly right - you are living that life now anyway. Unload this guy now or you'll end up drowning in despair.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): You have great husband. Enjoy him as compared to worry about him. Many wives would love to change their hubby like your's.So i feel all the problems that you mentioned are no problems rather that virtues of your respected hubby. Enjoy..
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