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he has made comments that women have too much power, women are inferior, women can't get anything done without emotion

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Pregnancy, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (3 April 2007) 6 Answers - (Newest, 4 April 2007)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I have been dating a man for about a year and a half. He seems to have two very distinct sides to him. When things are going well and he is happy, he is smart, sensitive, protective, re-assuring, complimentary, loving, calm, fun and funny to be around. When we are happy, I feel like I am deeply in love with him and the relationship seems to be the best I have ever been in. I feel like I want to live with him and have a family. However, there has been physical abuse in the relationship, but he has admitted to it and has made an attempt to stop in the last couple of months. He has said he’d go to counselling but has made no appointment. Right now we are broken up and I am having a very hard time being apart from him. I am definitely in love and miss with his “good” side. I want to try to work things out with him but I seem to be failing at this.

The physical abuse has been: punched in the head, temple and forehead and nose. Slapped, pushed, shoved, held down, face grabbed, been pulled by my hair, had my back pulled out from being dragged down the hallway of his house (emergency room). Scratches on my face, arms, neck and legs. Bruises, red marks, lumps, pink eye, swollen lips, sore fingers. I have tried to fight back physically many times but it made him even angrier and more abusive. When I tried to fight back he blamed me and says I am the abuser and not him.

In the past, he has made comments that women have too much power, women are inferior, women can't get anything done without emotion. He would always favor men over women in most situations. When men are assertive with him, he is ok. Whenever I am assertive, he gets mad and retaliates as if I am attacking him. Or make my own decisions, he curses me out and says I’m leaving him out and that I am “doing whatever I want to do”. He constantly hangs up on me and calls me back saying bitch every other word. When he got angry I the past or did not get his way, he was very verbally abusive- at least on a weekly basis. He called me bitch (hundred's of times), ho, fat, devil, evil, ho, sloppy, mule, spoiled, a bad mother, dumb bitch, mutherfucker, nasty, stupid and much, much more. I have had hundreds messages on my cell phone in the last year with him yelling, screaming and threatening obscenities and slurs at me, telling me to “have an abortion, bitch”, “I gonna kill u bitch” and saying he’ll kick my ass. The last time he physically assaulted me was March 11th of this year. This is April 3rd.

Lately, for about a month, he has been a gentleman 80 percent of the time and I can see he is trying to change. He doesn’t call me bitch but calls me other names. He seems to be more equal when it come to men and women. But If I am quiet, he says I’m treating him bad and being moody and if I am outgoing and assertive, he gives me mean looks and gets an attitude with me. I don’t know how to be. Be myself? Outgoing? Or be quiet? I never know which to choose and usually no matter what I do, he still is upset. We can’t be happy for more than a few days together.

When he is with his friends, he’s like “get off the phone with me. Why are you trying to hold me on the phone?” and I get off but my feelings are hurt. I go on with my afternoon doing chores or errands. Then when his friends leave, it’s like he expects me to be right there waiting, with no life of my own and he calls me angry as hell, “Where are you?? Why are you taking so long? I’m here Waiting on YOU. I should just LEAVE.” Cursing and yelling at me the whole time. I just don’t understand why he does this to me? I love him very much. It is so hurtful and confusing to me. I don’t know what to do. I don’t live with him but image that if I did I would have to deal with this even more? That is very scary to me.

When he gets frustrated, upset or angry he verbally abuses me by: yelling and screaming at me, calling me names that make me uncomfortable and tearful, hanging up on me over and over or ignoring me. He still has a bad temper and is irritated easily. He gets angry for no reason or over non-sensical things and he always takes it out on me. Many times I have to ask whats wrong or what did I do because I have no idea why he’s upset or frowning or ignoring me. He is charming and great in public and in front of others but with me he can still be demeaning and mean.

-He seems to still be in denial about treating me with respect on some level. But for him to make a big change like this, it will take time won’t it? I wonder if I should wait for this or will that be a waste of time?

- I find that now I am afraid the physical abuse will return and when he is verbally abusive, I want to get away. Is there a big chance that he will physically abuse me again because he is still verbally abusing?

-Should I attempt counseling with him or leave him for good?

-I haven’t taken him around my family because they are aware of a lot of our problems. They are not happy about it either. I feel embarrassed that I have stayed during the abuse and want to clear things up before bringing my family in it. I have explained to him that I would like to get counseling first so we can work the abusive stuff out before I move further with the relationship-taking him to my family home. He says that is bullshit and uses the fact that I don’t take him around my family to cheat on me and says we aren’t together if I don’t take him to my parents home. Is he right?

-I stopped taking my son around him because I didn't want him to hear or see any physical, verbal abuse or violence. Because it has happened so frequently. This makes my boyfriend very upset and he curses me out on a weekly basis for not bringing my son around him. My son hears him yelling and screaming at me thru the phone and asks why he is so angry. I try to explain that I don't want my son to learn these abusive habits and think it’s ok to treat women in this fashion. My boyfriend says that is bullshit. I want us to get professional help before my son is involved. Am I wrong for this? Am I right to keep my son away until we get professional help?

-I have not told him I am pregnant. Because I am financially stable, I can take care of my children on my own. Part of me wants to stay because I love him and want to work things out because he has admitted wrongs and is making an attempt (without counseling), but because of the past physical abuse and current verbal abuse, part of me wants to take my child and move on with him knowing. Is this wrong?

View related questions: abortion, move on, violent

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2007):

Anyone like that is evidence that evolution does not apply to humans, at least not in terms of character and chivalric attitude. If you haven't already, please sever any and all ties with him, find a man who understands that the only ways that women should be objects, are when those objects are worshipped and revered as the temples from which life and love flow...men like the one you've had the terrible fortune of knowing are terrible excuses for humans, and make the rest of us, hard-working decent sweet guys (that make florists a multi-million dollar industry), look bad.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2007):

If you want to have a relationship with YOUR KID, LEAVE HIM. You have a child that you are afraid to take arround him, doesn't that tell you something.

He thinks women are inferrior, so he thinks he can lie to you, tell you he's changing, so you'll stay because you are stupider then him. If you do stay you are proving him right.

MEN aren't like that, threatened little boys are. The MEN I know have had to "rescue" two of our female friends from boys like that and MEN will protect the ones they love not hurt them. If you have a child with him that you think he will try to get back go underground and don't contact him. But above all leave.

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (3 April 2007):

birdynumnums agony auntPlease, PLEASE, listen to all the women who have written you today. Get away from this horrible man. You are not going to change him, he will continue to abuse you. It's not your fault, it's not something that you can fix in him. You are risking your life, and your childrens lives by staying. He is teaching your son how to become him. Get out today and never look back. Save yourself - PLEASE.

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A female reader, AskEve United Kingdom +, writes (3 April 2007):

AskEve agony auntYou asked... "Is there a big chance that he will physically abuse me again because he is still verbally abusing?" - YES 100%. It will NEVER work out with you and this man. The problem with him is that he doesn't even see he has a problem, that's why he would never go to counselling. A year and a half of being together and he has been so physically abusive to you that you've ended up in hospital and still the verbal abuse continues. You're right not to bring your son around, no child deserves to see/hear this kind of abuse. As he grows older he'd only grow to resent your boyfriend and of course, in time he'll have a go at him physically himself and I'm sure you'd hate for that to happen.

You ask should you attempt counselling with him or leave him for good? LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD LOVE... he will never change, he doesn't even know he has a problem. He thinks it's his RIGHT to treat you like an underdog, a piece of crap on his shoe. He has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever and he never will have. I would get out of this relationship as soon as possible. Tell him he needs to sort himself out and go to Anger Management classes! He has deep psychological problems he needs to get sorted out and the first step in doing that is to admit to them, which he isn't and might never do! So you're back to square one again...

Save yourself (and your son) any more trouble and grief and end this, it's going nowhere. I don't think you love him, you like him when he's nice to you but there's more times he's not. Could it be that you're frightened to be on your own? Do you really think this is the kind of father figure to bring your son up with? Can he teach your son respect and morals? Your son is already involved in your relationship with him. You said yourself he hears him balling down the phone at you and asks you why he is angry all the time. If he ever met your family you know it would only be a matter of time before the "real" him surfaced and you know that your family wouldn't stand for it and how would he react if one of them stood up to him!!! Exactly...! You don't dare think about it huh?

Your priority here is the safety of your son and your unborn baby and of course your own physical safety. Staying with this man will only bring you and your family heartbreak, he will NOT change! The verbal abuse will continue and the physical abuse will rear its ugly head again too, how would you feel if your son saw him hit you about or even worse hit YOUR SON about? I can't stress enough to you... get out now before he ends up putting you in a box!

Eve

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A male reader, Yos Netherlands +, writes (3 April 2007):

Yos agony auntRainee is completely right. You are in serious danger being anywhere near this man. So are your children. And so is your unborn child: the violence against you could easily cause a miscarriage. He has very serious issues that are not going to be solved by therapy any time soon. In the mean time your life, self esteem, and your children are in grave danger. Do not wait. Stay away from him, and don't let him drag you back into his life under any circumstances, no matter how much pressure he applies.

Don't tell him that you are pregnant either. Given how unstable he is, it could spark any one of several violent and abusive reactions, which would put your unborn child at risk.

Please do not allow yourself to give in and be with him. The longer time you spend apart from him, the more you will feel like being apart as your emotional connection to him fades.

If you are near any good female friends I suggest spending as much time with them as you can. What you are going through is not easy, and you could do with all the support you can get.

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A reader, Rainee United States +, writes (3 April 2007):

Rainee agony auntMy dear, I cannot emphasize this enough:

RUN FOR THE HILLS, WOMAN!

Do not, under any circumstances, allow this man to harm your children. If it was just you, I'd say it'd be up to you whether you wanted to put up with the abuse for the rest of your life (because no matter how much he says he'll go to counseling, if he doesn't go and ACTUALLY change his ways, then the abuse will continue in perpetuity), but you have an obligation to protect those who have no choice in the matter (the kids).

Save the cell phone messages and write down the times of the ones not recorded, document every case of abuse that you can think of, if you have any physical marks on you now, TAKE PICTURES, and for the love of God, GET A RESTRAINING ORDER.

Someone who makes you afraid of more abuse, afraid to take your son around him, and calls and says to GET AN ABORTION, BITCH, is not a person you should consider staying and starting a family with!

Yes, counseling is needed--he's going to need years and years worth to become a non-completely-worthless member of society, and frankly, let the counseler handle him. You need to move on with your life. The time and effort you would spend on him would be better used to care for your son and baby who really need you!

You're still young; you have plenty of time to find a guy who treats you with the respect you deserve. Don't settle for a lowlife!

Good Luck

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